Aries

Throws a party. Because they don’t really care.

Taurus

Asks what they did wrong. Gets ignored. Swears of love 4ever.

Gemini

Vacillates between being totally heartbroken to totally enraged and back again. This will last for about three days and then they’re #overit.

Cancer

Doesn’t leave the house for a week. Drinks three bottles of white wine over the course of those seven days and finishes five whole seasons of The Office. Pam and Jim are their only friends now.

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How You’ll Do Everything Based On Your Zodiac Sign includes an exhaustive analysis of each sign’s personality. You’ll learn which high school clique represents them (Pisces are the cool art kids), who would get eaten first in a scary movie (Gemini, obviously) to how each sign prefers to say ‘I love you’ (for Taurus, it’s with good food). Alternating between silly, sweet, and serious, this book is filled with deep dives into the mind of everyone whose birth chart you can get your hands on.

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Leo

Posts fire selfies with Rihanna lyrics.

Virgo

Makes a color-coded excel spreadsheet of all their Hinge matches so they can properly assess who is worth pursuing next in order to minimize the chance of being ghosted again.

Libra

Becomes obsessed with self-care.

Scorpio

Fucks the ghost’s best friend.

Sagittarius

Gets blackout drunk on a Tuesday. Has no regrets.

Capricorn

Gets crazy involved at work and gets a promotion.

Aquarius

Is in denial until they send an exploratory text to said ghost after a week to test the waters. Gets blown off. Blocks the ghost’s number and moves forward.