10 Weird Things That Happen During Sex When You’re Monogamous For Long Enough

Flickr, Dr. Wendy Longo
Flickr, Dr. Wendy Longo

1. Someone will fart.

There’s a direct correlation between how close you grow as a couple, and how much less effort each party devotes to holding their farts in. This mathematical reality holds true inside and outside the bedroom. Farting freely can be wonderfully intimate! But it can also be awkward, especially in the middle of a passionate romp. Letting one rip during sex simply isn’t something you can avoid forever. For the sake of preserving the mood, you might try to keep a mid-sex toot silent, but even so, you’re bound to stink things up a little.

2. Someone will drizzle nose juice all over the other.

Mucus dripping is another bodily function we can’t control at all times. Whether it’s allergy season and you’re prone to sudden sneezing, or you’re just recovering from a cold and you want that orgasm you’ve been missing while lying sick in bed so damn badly so you have sex while sniffly, you’re at high risk of uncontrollable nose goo dribbling. And unless it’s your own, snot is pretty gross. So don’t expect your significant other to mask their disgust after you drizzle all over them. The best thing to do is keep a box of tissues next to the bed so you can promptly wipe up your nasal juices from wherever they happen to land on your partner’s body.

3. An attempt at naughty talk will fall totally flat.

The problem with becoming well versed in the art of dirty talk is that doing so requires practice and a certain willingness to experiment, which invariably leads to small failures. What sounds sexy to one person might sound ridiculous to another. And you can’t distinguish the relative effectiveness of “My pussy is hugging your cock” versus “I’m squeezing my vagina muscles so tight for you, baby” until you market test both. No matter how much you love your boyfriend or girlfriend, it can be super awkward to see their brow furrow in response to a carefully crafted phrase intended to arouse rather than confuse. (A tip from personal experience: slang words like “cock” and “dick” are generally preferable to medical textbook terms like “penis” and “testicles.”)

4. There will be an accidental knock on the “backdoor.”

You’ve gone through the motions of foreplay and you’re both hot and ready for penis insertion. Since a woman’s vagina and anus are mere inches apart, it would be unreasonable to expect total accuracy every single time a guy tries to stick it inside. Every man is likely to misfire on occasion and poke his girlfriend in the backdoor. Depending on how a woman feels about anal play, such misguided hole navigation may be received as an unexpected but welcome foray into butt sex territory, or a traumatic, unforgivable mistake.

5. You will mishandle each other’s private parts.

As much time as you spend hooking up, you’re never going to be as familiar with the opposite sex’s private parts as you are with your own anatomy, which you get to poke and prod on the sly constantly. As a result, there will be times when you’re trying to arouse your partner by fondling their genitals but you’re so far off base, it’s bound to become embarrassing. Your sensual massage might just tickle them, and that sudden rub, yank, or grab might produce an “ow!” instead of the intended satisfied moan.

6. Someone will scream the wrong name.

You love each other to bits, but you both spend a lot of time around other people, and they all have names. Your friends, colleagues, and family members all compete for your attention daily. So many different monikers pop up in your inbox and social media feeds every single minute! You can’t always be expected to think and say the right one while you’re in bed with your lover. But as easy as it is to understand why a case of mistaken identity might happen in the sack, it will always kind of suck.

7. A new sexual position will feel absolutely awesome—to exactly one of you.

One of the joys of being in a long-term relationship is trying new positions out in the name of staving off the sexual boredom that often accompanies monogamy. When you have sex with the same person for long enough, you even end up contorting into odd positions you’ve never seen diagrammed, which you should feel free to name yourselves (personal favorite: The Ice Cream Sandwich). Varying positions is a wonderful way to keep things fresh, except when you get tangled into a human pretzel situation that feels AMAZING to one of you, but hurts like hell for the other. When your bodies don’t seem to agree, it can be disheartening, not to mention super painful.

8. One person will fail to get and/or stay in the mood.

You’ve got a million things going on at all times, so it’s natural for certain unsexy thoughts to invade your mind while you’re going at it. Sometimes, it will seem nearly impossible to shelve all other concerns for the twenty or so minutes it takes to get naked and boink. Did you remember to cancel that Saturday night dinner reservation? Did you order those light bulbs, or are they still sitting in your Amazon cart? Is tomorrow your bestie’s birthday, or is it the next day? Most of the time, you’ll manage to keep these unwelcome thoughts to yourself and tuck them aside in time to climax. But occasionally, you’re bound to slip up and say something like “Did you ever call your mom back?” out loud at the least awesome moment, effectively advertising to your partner that your head is in more of a future-mother-in-law place than a fuck-me-please state. Whether or not you can bounce back from such a scenario depends on your ability to shift gears as a couple—fast.

9. Someone will nod off unexpectedly and/or yawn.

Many modern men and women work very hard, and they don’t get enough sleep as a result. By the time we climb into bed at night, we’re often so exhausted that we can’t imagine committing an ounce of energy to physical activity, even if the reward is an orgasm. Having sex with your partner when you’re supremely tired because you can sense how horny they are is a lovely, selfless thing to do. But there’s a risk to opening up shop when you’re feeling extremely sleepy. Especially if you’re lying flat on your back, you might just nod off while your partner does the humping. The only thing worse than letting your eyelids close momentarily—which, if executed carefully, can be written off as a response to the mind-blowing pleasure you’re currently experiencing—is giving into a giant yawn. The “I just need oxygen” line won’t get you very far in convincing your partner that you’re not totally bored.

10. One of you will experience an ill-timed laughing fit.

Intimacy is often forged through shared hilarious experiences and cracking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend during sex can make for some precious memories. However, if the chuckles are one-sided, they tend to be irritating rather than pleasant. And guess what? You’re not always going to find the same things humorous. When you’re the only one experiencing a laughing fit—because your partner does something inadvertently funny while trying to arouse you through nipple pinching, maybe—your partner will feel excluded as you take your solo trip down the giggly path. No one likes to feel left out, so unilateral laughing is likely to end in a begrudging, “let’s try this again later” disaster. TC mark

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