1. Why did the superhero flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
2. How do you get a tissue to dance?
You put a little boogie into it.
3. What did the zero say to the eight?
4. If you’re American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
5. What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
6. What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, and I’ll go ahead.
7. What time should you go to the dentist?
8. What did one firefly say to the other?
You glow girl!
9. What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing. It just waved.
10. Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.
11. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
12. What do you call two guys hanging on a window?
Kurt and Rod.
13. What kind of bees make milk?
14. How do you catch a whole school of fish?
15. How do you find Will Smith when he’s lost in the snow?
You just look for fresh prints.
16. Why did the mushroom like to party so much?
Because he was a fun-guy.
17. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
18. What did one tonsil say to the other?
Better get dressed. The doc’s taking us out tonight!
19. Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park?
They woke him up.
20. Knock, Knock.
Stopwatch you’re doing and open this door!
21. What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
22. What do geese take for their allegies?
23. Why do hippies like camping?
Cause it’s in tents, man.
24. What do snowmen call their fancy annual dance?
25. Why is it so windy inside a sports arena?
All those fans.
26. What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park your car, man.
27. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Cause he was feeling crummy.
28. Knock knock.
Hold on. Is there an owl in here?
29. How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away its credit card.
30. Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?
‘Cause it’s bound to squeal.
31. What’s Irish and stays out all night long?
32. What did the fireman name his twin sons?
José and Hose-B.
33. What do cows read?
34. What does a spider’s bride wear?
A webbing dress.
35. What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
One has its pricks on the outside.
36. Knock knock.
Thanks, but I’d rather have some peanuts.
37. Where do young cows eat lunch?
In the calf-ateria.
38. What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
39. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get The Chinese Daily. [Pause] Do you get it?
Me neither. I get The Times.
40. What do you call a rich elf?
41. What do birds give out on Halloween?
42. What do you call a smart group of trees?
43. Knock, Knock.
Yacht a know me by now!
44. What did one horse say to the other at the dance?
You mustang-o with me.
45. What’s the definition of a good farmer?
A man outstanding in his field.
46. What washes up on tiny beaches?
47. What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
48. How do mountains stay warm in winter?
49. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
50. A sandwich walks into a bar.
Barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
51. Why did the man run around his bed?
He was trying to catch up on sleep!
52. Why can’t a person’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
53. Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
54. Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
55. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
56. What did one toilet say to the other?
You look a bit flushed.
57. What makes the calendar look so popular?
It has so many dates!
58. What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Please don’t take me for granite.
59. What do you call a duck that gets all A’s?
A wise quacker.
60. Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
61. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we’ll go places together.
62. Why was the belt arrested?
Because it was holding up some pants.
63. What did the paper say to the pencil?
64. What gets wetter the more it dries?
65. Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights!
66. Why was the broom late?
It over swept!
67. How do you make an octopus laugh?
68. Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Cause if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels!
69. How do you know if a vampire has a cold?
She starts coffin.
70. What did the horse say when it fell?
I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
71. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something!
72. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
73. Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
He was looking for his buddy, Pluto.
74. How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Just act like a nut!
75. What do you call two birds in love?
76. Why did Charlie go out with a prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date!
77. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
78. What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive?
A minnie van, of course.
79. What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner’s on me!
80. What do you call a dinosaur when it’s asleep?
81. Why did the teddy bear skip dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
82. What has ears but can’t hear a thing?
83. What did one DNA strand say to the other DNA strand?
Do these genes make my butt look big?
84. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
85. What did one pickle say to the other after they fell out of the jar and onto the floor?
Just dill with it, okay?
86. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That really hit the spot!
87. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
88. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
89. Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
90. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
91. What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
92. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt so crummy.
93. Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because her parents were in a jam.
94. Why couldn’t the pony sing?
She was a little hoarse.
95. Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools.
96. What did the little corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
97. What do you give a sick bird?
A special tweetment.
98. What do you call a horse that lives next door?
99. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
About a buck an ear.
100. What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
101. What animal can you always find at a baseball game?
102. What do you call a ghost’s true love?
103. What building has the most stories in any city?
104. How does the moon cut his hair?
105. What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. They croak every night!
106. What’s a tornado’s favorite game to play?
107. How does a scientist freshen her breath?
108. How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
She starts coffin.
109. What is a computer’s favorite snack?
110. What do elves learn in school?
111. How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
112. What did the nose say to the finger?
Quit picking on me!
113. What kind of bird is always depressed?
114. What musical instrument is always in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
115. Why did the little girl bring a ladder to school?
She thought she was ready for high school.
116. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
117. Where do pencils like to vacation?
118. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to dance with.
119. What time do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
120. What do you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers.
121. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It just wasn’t peeling well.
122. What did the puppy say when he sat on sandpaper?
123. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
124. What kind of award did the dentist get?
A little plaque.
125. What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style?
126. Why do bees have such sticky hair?
Because they love their honeycomb.
127. Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
128. What kind of kitten works for the Red Cross?
A first-aid Kit.
129. What do lawyers wear to court?
130. What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
A milk dud!
131. What kind of hair do oceans have?
132. Why didn’t the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
133. Why is a fish so easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales.
134. Why did little Will throw the clock out the window?
He really wanted to see time fly.
135. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
136. How do you talk to a giant?
Use big words!
137. Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moo-vies!
138. What do you call a sleeping bull?
139. What does a farmer call a cow that has no milk?
An udder failure.
140. How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
Pleased to eat you!
141. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
142. What type of markets do dogs hate?
143. What do you get from an over-coddled cow?
144. What kind of fish will only swim at night?
145. What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
146. What do you call a bear with no ears?
147. What type of dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
148. What is a cat’s favorite color?
149. How do rabbits travel?
150. What kind of bird works at a construction site?