Funny Last Words

40 Funny Last Words That Are The Epitome Of Gallows Humor

Nearly everyone wants to be remembered when they die, and what better way to assure that than to have the perfect last words? These actors, scientists, and criminals managed to do just that — by having the most well-timed and funny last words ever.

Because if you can’t go out with a bang, you might as well go out with a laugh.

"Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard. I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around!” — Carl Panzram, serial killer

2. “Hey fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French fries.'”

— James French, convicted murderer (before his execution)

3. “What the devil do you mean to sing to me, priest? You are out of tune.”

— Jean-Philippe Rameau, composer (as the priest sung hymns at his deathbed)

4. “Good. A woman who can fart is not dead.”

— Louise-Marie-Thérèse de Saint Maurice, Comtesse de Vercellis (after letting one rip)

5. “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.”

— Richard Feynman, physicist and author

6. “I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s; I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.”

— Thomas J. Grasso, convicted murderer (after he ate his last meal on death row)

7. “I’d like to thank the Academy for my lifetime achievement award that I will eventually get.”

— Donald O’Connor, actor

8. “I knew it! I knew it! Born in a hotel room and, goddamn it, dying in a hotel room.”

— Eugene O’Neill, playwright (as he died in a hotel)

“It must have been the coffee.” — Jack Soo, actor (while being wheeled into the operation room for cancer of the esophagus)

10. “And now for a final word from our sponsor—.”

— Charles Gussman, TV announcer

11. “Remember, Honey, don’t forget what I told you. Put in my coffin a deck of cards, a mashie niblick, and a pretty blonde.”

— Chico Marx

12. “Damn it! Don’t you dare ask God to help me!”

— Joan Crawford, actress (when her housekeeper was praying)

13. “Yeah, country music.”

— Buddy Rich, drummer (when asked, ““Is there anything you can’t take?” by a nurse before going into surgery)

14. “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.”

— James W. Rodgers, convicted murderer (when asked if he had a last request before dying by firing squad)

15. “Surprise me.”

— Bob Hope, comedian (when his wife asked him where he wanted to be buried)

16. “Thank god. I’m tired of being the funniest person in the room.”

— Del Close, comedian

“I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct.” — Dominique Bouhours, French priest and grammarian

18. “I’ve had 18 straight whiskeys… I think that’s the record.”

— Dylan Thomas, poet

19. “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—”

— John Sedgwick, general of the Union Army (as he was shot mid-sentence)

20. “On the contrary.”

— Henrik Ibsen, playwright (after his wife said he was looking better)

21. “I should have never switched from scotch to martinis.”

— Humphrey Bogart, actor

22. “I am sorry to bother you chaps. I don’t know how you get along so fast with the traffic on the roads these days.”

— Ian Fleming, creator of James Bond (while ambulance crew took him to hospital)

23. “Now is not the time for making new enemies.”

— Voltaire, philosopher (after a priest asked if he wished to denounce Satan)

24. “I’m looking for loopholes.”

— W.C Fields, actor (when asked why he was reading the Bible)

25. “This wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. Either it goes or I do.”

— Oscar Wilde, author

26. “Gun’s not loaded… see?”

— Johnny Ace, singer (while playing with a gun backstage during a concert)

“Pardon me, sir, I did not do it on purpose.” — Marie Antoinette, Queen of France (after stepping on her executioner’s foot on the way to the guillotine)

28. “Am I dying, or is this my birthday?”

— Lady Nancy Astor, socialite (when she woke up and saw her family gathered around her bed)

29. “Oh, you young people act like old men. You have no fun.”

— Josephine Baker, dancer (while reportedly trying to seduce a younger man)

30. “Codeine… bourbon…”

— Tallulah Bankhead, actress (when asked if she wanted anything)

31. “No.”

— Alexander Graham Bell, scientist (after his wife said, “Don’t leave me.”)

32. “I’m bored with it all.”

— Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister

33. “This is no way to live.”

— Groucho Marx, comedian

34. “I desire to go to Hell and not to Heaven. In the former I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, while in the latter are only beggars, monks and apostles.”

— Niccolo Machiavelli, Italian diplomat

35. “Turn me over — I’m done on this side.”

— Lawrence of Rome, deacon (while being burned alive as punishment)

36. “Now why did I do that?”

— Sir William Erskine, 2nd Baronet (after he jumped off a balcony)

37. “Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something important.”

— Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary

38. “Oh Lord, forgive the misprints!”

— Andrew Bradford, book publisher

“I’ll be in Hell before you start breakfast. Let her rip!” — Tom Ketchum, cowboy and criminal

40. “All right, then, I’ll say it: Dante makes me sick.”

— Lope de Vega, playwright and poet Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Maria Monrovia