1. Ugh, I don’t want to be on any dating apps. They’re such a waste of time.
2. …Well maybe I’ll try [insert app], people seem to like it. My friend just downloaded it and met her boyfriend on there so it must be chill.
3. Ok which of my Instagram pics would make the best profile pic?
4. Right, so now what do I say on my profile? Do I try to be witty and cute or do I say nothing and work the mysterious angle?
5. Profile’s done!
6. Oh he’s cute *swipes right.*
7. Ugh this guy looks like an asshole *swipes left.*
8. There’s no way I would be his type *swipes left.*
9. Is that my ex-boyfriend’s torso? *Favorites*
10. Hmm this guy looks really hot in this picture but in this one not so much *not so sure where to swipe*. [Closes app, as if to really think it through].
11. OMG it’s been like 20 minutes and I don’t have any matches. Am I ugly! What’s wrong with society!
12. Whatever I’m so over it.
13. Deletes app.
14. Repeat 2-10.
15. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling into the wee hours of the night.
16. Goes to sleep, finally. Wakes up, phone underneath pillow, excited to see that there are so many new matches and messages!
17. Today is going to be a good day.
18. Oh yeah, he’s really cute.
20. 8 hours have passed.
21. Well it says he was last online an hour ago but he hasn’t responded to my “hey” yet.
23. Oh, this one’s even cuter.
24. “How’s it going?”
25. “Fine and u?”
26. “Yeah I’m just busy with work, meh. Hey I saw you love Moloko — I love them, too!”
27. No response.
28. Still no response.
29. That’s fine. Whatevs.
30. This guy says he’s only into other fit masculine normal guys. I mean…
31. Oh he one looks fun, I’ll message him.
32. We’ve been sending cute messages back and forth for like 2.5 days now, maybe it’s time we TOOK THIS TO WHATSAPP.
33. This is so the biggest step when dating online.
34. Ok his name is David, I know way too many Davids.
35. But this David has really nice abs.
36. So I’ll put him in as David Abs, which is different from David Tinder and David Total Top.
37. Messaging with someone you haven’t even met is so fun! We connect so well even just through typing! My soulmate!
38. You love picking up the phone and seeing all the green Whatsapp notifications. It’s like you’re winning. No notifications is very sad :(
39. Something always goes wrong at this stage of the courting.
40. Scenario #1: SOMETHING GOES WRONG. Cute guy says something stupid/racist/misogynistic/idiotic.
42. Scenario #2: PERSON IS TERRIBLE. Hey, let’s meet for coffee.
43. Ok well that was terrible. NEXT.
44. Scenario #3: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.
45. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about, I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.
46. After the first date he disappears completely. Messages are much less frequent.
47. Scenario #4: Hey, let’s meet for coffee.
48. Oh wow he was so cute! And we had so much to talk about! I can’t believe I was there 5 hours.
49. Gradually we’re hanging out more and more.
50. He sleeps over.
51. He starts leaving things at my place — a tooth brush, a clean pair of underwear. He brings the coffee he likes and stores it in my cupboard.
52. He’s my boyfriend!
53. Where did you two meet?
55. Do we tell the truth or do we lie and say “mutual friends”?
56. Maybe online dating isn’t so bad after all.
57. Ok we’ve been dating for [insert length of time] now…why are you still on Tinder/Hinge/OkCupid/Grindr/Match?
59. When it ends — if it does — repeat 1-58. It’s back to the notification screen.