Lorenzo Jensen III

“Yes. It’s how I found my current wife.”

“Your mom is so ugly, she went into a haunted house and left with a job application.”

“Spiders everywhere, regular objects turning into cameras, random objects getting wavy, bottled waters breathing, People in the windows, shadows moving. Horrible short nightmares…”

“Nice boobs. they won’t be a liability when you get older.” 

“I can’t really process this in any other way than a real, true ghost story. I still get goose bumps.”

“My dad was a pretty violent pedophile, and also extremely charming, and was a certified genius.”

“From what I was told, he was a nice guy.”

“I may not be a weatherman but you’re gonna get more than a few inches tonight.”

8. Shaved-and-Sharpied eyebrows.

12. Sandals with socks.

1.
Smell amazing.

1. He tried to force me to wear a red wig.

Brandy—if you meet her, she’s either a redneck or was raised by rednecks. I live in a small town in Texas, 3000 people maybe, and I know at least 10 Brandys.

“I ate chunky peanut butter out of my uncle’s mouth for 20 bucks.”

4. “Bugs had started eating away at him.”

“I cannot stress enough the importance of avoiding girls who have daddy issues.”

7. Picking their nose.

25. Does frosting turn a muffin into a cupcake?