Lorenzo Jensen III

“A witness was watching from across the river through his telescope (probably creeping on her) when, out of the woods behind her, a man walked up, grabbed her by the hair, and dragged her back to the woods.”

“My grandfather on his deathbed said, ‘they have no eyes’; still gives me chills.”

“It’s not a baby in there, it’s a monster and when you go to sleep he climbs out and talks to me about blood.”

“Baby talk. I want you to sound like a woman, not a child.”

“I watched a kid kill himself at school. Gunshot to the head. He painted the wall behind him with his brains.”

“I have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every two hours.”

“If your mother is that much of a lying scumbag piece of subhuman filth, then yes, it is very much okay to push that toxic bitch out of your life.”

“I had a dream that I killed myself and God showed me a bird’s-eye view of the effect my death had on my mom and dad.”

“Start like a fluttering butterfly. Finish like a bulldog eating a bowl of oatmeal.”

“Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, walking toward my door.”

“Relax and have fun. Enthusiasm is sexier than whatever else you could possibly do.”

The most persistent Halloween urban legend of all is the idea that somewhere in your hometown lurks a sadist who’s poisoning the Halloween candy he’s giving out to random trick-or-treaters.

“It’s currently 4:00 am and I’ve been in bed for five hours listening to a small girl screaming ‘IT HURTS’ inside my head.”

Centralia, PA. It is a Pennsylvania coal-mining town that ended up having a GIANT underground fire relatively (30 yrs?) recently. The fire burns to this day, and the town has been since evacuated. You can feel the heat from the ground under your feet…

“It was a very cold night so I went and checked on him, thinking he was homeless. Nope—dead body!”

“I got so proud that I was able to make a noose, I also decided to make some homemade ice cream.”

“I was looking at photo albums with my dad, stepmom, and stepsister. I noticed the eyes of all the people were becoming burnt and black. I screamed and threw the photo album down out of fear.”

“She set herself on fire after losing her baby.”