1. It’s currently 4:00 am and I’ve been in bed for five hours listening to a small girl screaming ‘IT HURTS’ inside my head.
“My pharmacy is out of stock of my medication until Monday. It’s currently 4:00 am and I’ve been in bed for 5 hours listening to a small girl screaming ‘IT HURTS’ inside my head.”
2. The voice tells me to kill people at my school and that I am superior to them. That it’s just natural selection to kill them. He also tells me God is dead and not to believe in Him. He tells me I am God.
“I hear one male voice distinctly and the rest is just faint whispering and deep breathes. The voice tells me to kill people at my school and that I am superior to them. That it’s just natural selection to kill them. He also tells me God is dead and not to believe in Him. He tells me I am God. It’s a pretty disconcerting disorder.”
3. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.” ‘Kill Yourself. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘FUCKING KILL YOURSELF!!!’
“I’m at work. People are standing around talking about there normal stuff, kids, shopping, weekend plans etc…. I smile say I’m excited for the weekend as well it’s always nice to see my friends. It’s so normal and between every breath….. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.” ‘Kill Yourself. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘FUCKING KILL YOURSELF!!!’ ‘Kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill Yourself. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘FUCKING DIE!!!’ ‘Kill yourself.’ Man starts breathing down my neck, he moves away before I can see him….. Stands in the corner. ‘Shut up!’ ‘kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Why the fuck do you try?’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘This weekend…. kill yourself.’ ‘Why don’t we get that gun, it’s easy.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ The man still stands there points to the women I work with, he shows me which ones are people I can trust. ‘Kill yourself.’ I work with a vampire I can’t stand her. ‘KILL YOURSELF!!’ She steals energy from everyone around her. ‘FUUUUUCKKKK YOU!!’ She’s selfish and evil. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill Yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ He’s back behind me. My side hurt, he stands behind me breathing. ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘kill yourself’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Kill yourself.’ ‘Oh, I wish I was like you.’ My coworker says, ‘Your just so calm and together all the time I wish I knew your secret.’ ‘Kill yourself’ I smile ‘Kill yourself.’ I say thank you and living life in each moment can make anything easy. ‘Kill yourself.’”
4. I have three androgynous voices. One that tells me constantly how worthless I am and how I should just kill myself.
“I have three androgynous voices. One that tells me constantly how worthless I am and how I should just kill myself. One that tells me I am better than everyone and that I should be queen of the world, more or less. And one that whispers and tells me that I should keep going because at some point, something is going to happen and the other two will go away.”
5. Kids clapping and cheering. Forever.
“Kids clapping and cheering. They keep clapping and clapping and laughing, like in a playground. Forever. Every hour of every day of my life.”
6. Most of the time I hear a little girl crying and whispering.
“Most of the time I hear a little girl crying and whispering. Or very heavy breathing. I see a tall man who just stands in the corners sometimes. Scares the fuck out of me.”
7. I have a little girl who whispers songs softly to herself when I’m alone and a woman who cries when I’m in public.
“I have a little girl who whispers songs softly to herself when I’m alone and a woman who cries when I’m in public.”
8. Two voices, both male. One tends to be sadistic.
“Two voices, both male. One tends to be sadistic, as the other is usually encouraging. I have reached the point where I can tone them out, and completely forget they’re there.”
9. I hear one single man. Constantly giving me ideas of death and destruction.
“I hear one single man. Constantly giving me ideas of death and destruction. He has a very deep voice and is there more often than not. I hear shrill screams every night. As if my neighbor is getting stabbed or something. I used to ask my girlfriend if she heard it too when that first started. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and tell her ‘he isn’t here.’ I would stare around my room and house like I’ve never been there before. I, would shake and become violent. The few times I get to be alone in my head is when I smoke pot. And when I’m extremely happy….When I’m in public or around family is when it is at it’s worst. Always telling me scenarios of killing them all, going on a complete rampage and killing myself. I’m Told I am disgusting and a terrifying person by him. I feel like he is always just right there beside me telling me to kill every one. Kill them. Kill yourself. Hurt them. When there is death or a rampage on the news i hear ‘you piece of shut, that could have been you.’ Tells me names of guns I’ve never even heard of to kill with….It will never stop. This is my life.”
10. A really deep ‘demon’ voice that says unintelligible words like ‘nachlichin’ and shit.
“I hear several: a really deep ‘demon’ voice that says unintelligible words like ‘nachlichin’ and shit. I also hear my mom yelling my name, not like in despair but like aggressively. I also hear a robotic voice saying random shit.”
11. There’s long been one voice I hear which calls me names and insults me and often prompts me to be violent.
“There’s long been one voice I hear which calls me names and insults me and often prompts me to be violent. That’s mellowed as I got older. Now I hear my children cry and call me. A lot of sudden and random noises. This gets much worse when I haven’t slept a decent amount.
Though I fit most of the criteria for schiz. I’ve never taken meds for it. It’s a lot less intense for me than it is for most people and far less intrusive. I can usually tell the hallucinations from reality, but the babies crying thing really freaks me out because I have two six-month-old kids and I’m still very anxious about being a father.”
12. They’ll tell me to kill everything and everyone.
“Four voices. Three male, one young female.
The female voice howls, screams, and cries when I’m in public places. She whispers that people hate me and want me dead. She encourages delusions of persecution, paranoia, and violent acts.
One of the male voices is the complete opposite. He encourages me, tells me how much smarter I am than everyone. He encourages delusions of grandeur, power, superiority.
The other two voices are wild and unpredictable. They’ll tell me to kill everything and everyone. Then they’ll switch and lull me with lies about how in control I am, how I don’t need medication and that its poison. My therapists are trying to wipe my brain and make me into a blank slate.
I’ve had auditory hallucinations since childhood. It took years to be diagnosed correctly. I had doctors say I was faking for attention because little kids aren’t schizophrenic.
I’ve been in just about every antipsychotic medication available. I’ve been institutionalized. I was pulled out of high school and put into an alternative school.
I hate the medication but I need it. I want to live like everyone else but I can’t. People don’t hang around once they find out I’m ill. I’m jealous of normal people and at times I feel luckier than them. I’m never alone. They’ll always be with me.”
13. You know how you turn on a TV sometimes for background noise? I basically hear that.
“You know how you turn on a TV sometimes for background noise? I basically hear that, mindless chatter that I always hear.
edit (since there is a little confusion): Tinnitus is a constant ringing in the ears, no words are spoken. I hear mindless chatter, words are spoken…all day, every day.”
14. I hear things like a crying girl, the sound of a large fire, water rushing through pipes, a constant banging sound late at night like someone is banging a wrench against a pipe…
“I take medication for social anxiety, depression and schizophrenia, sometimes I hear things like a crying girl, the sound of a large fire, water rushing through pipes, a constant banging sound late at night like someone is banging a wrench against a pipe, but that’s not very often, I mostly see things, fire, swarms of bats, and most frequently a man wearing a black robe, he usually stands outside the window at night and it scares the fuck out of me, I named him Dread….I’ve spent nights walking up and down in the house looking for the thing that keeps boiling water in the roof, my family hears nothing, tell me to go back to bed, 30 minutes later I’m back up looking for the boiling water. As for the robed man, he haunts me, some nights I wake up and I can feel him standing outside my window, it’s the most awful, foreboding, scary feeling I have ever felt, that’s why I named him Dread.”
<h3>15. I would hear voices. Just my name mockingly and laughter.
“When I was six, when I was alone, I would hear ringing in my ears. If I sat there and made the ringing go louder (mentally, somehow) at some point the ringing would stop and I would hear voices. Just my name mockingly and laughter. It always went away as soon as I found someone to talk to, no one thought anything of it for some reason. After a few times I just didn’t make the ringing go louder and didn’t have any problems after that… I was diagnosed with prodromal schizophrenia when I was eighteen and was part of an early intervention program, I was never hospitalized. I’ve had other symptoms but have dealt with them very successfully through breathing meditation. I’m on a new medication now and haven’t had symptoms for three months. Medication is going a long way and have fewer side effects. I’m socializing more and making new friends but I’ll probably always be a little odd, but that’s just part of who I am. If you no anyone who is showing the first signs of schizophrenia, please get them into early invention before a full-blown episode damages them for life (like my brother). This has been a paid announcement from your local head case….”
16. I hear a lot of whispering. Mostly just asking if I’m there, what I’m doing, who do I think I am, or trying to get my attention.
“I hear what sounds sort of radio commercials, sounds like different people talking for around 3-10 seconds before they cut off and immediately someone else starts talking. Males and females. I can never really make out what they are saying, though.
I hear a lot of whispering. Mostly just asking if I’m there, what I’m doing, who do I think I am, or trying to get my attention. I do my best to ignore them.
I can’t stand silence, it gets too loud.”
17. I usually hear screaming that no one else seems to hear. I try to put it out of my mind.
“I’ve struggled with this all my life. I usually hear screaming that no one else seems to hear. I try to put it out of my mind. I’ve gone to doctor after doctor and while the medicine and therapy help a little, I know I am stuck with this for the rest of my life. If I’m in a public place I’ve learned to just don’t act any different. Don’t look around if I hear screaming (even if someone may actually be screaming). I know people judge people for having this condition but it’s really hard to live like this. I also often feel like I’m being followed by this shadow that harasses me. It won’t go away. I can’t type all of this without crying. I really wish more people knew about schizophrenia and what we go through with this condition. I hope I answered your question as best as I could.”
18. Think of a crowded mall food court, all the chatter. It’s just that.
“I never experienced auditory hallucinations for years. Mostly I just felt scared all the time and would trick myself into believing that people were trying to hurt me, ruin my life, etc.
The only auditory hallucinations I ever have are pretty bland. Think of a crowded mall food court, all the chatter. It’s just that. I can’t make out a word anybody is saying, but it’s very annoying.”
19. I see and hear a young, teenage girl. She keeps me from loneliness and I’m never without her.
“I hear one voice, it’s a bit different from what I’ve seen described here. The voice is coupled with a visual hallucination, so I see and hear a young, teenage girl. She keeps me from loneliness and I’m never without her. However, she keeps me from sleeping and I literally have to be absolutely exhausted just to fall asleep. I can have interactive conversations with her, and I can feel her, but it’s not an actual feeling more like how you can ‘feel’ in a dream. Lately it’s gotten a bit worse, and she’s begun telling me violent things like ‘kill,’ ‘thrash,’ and ‘bang,’ but I’ve not seen a doctor or told anyone about this because I fear people would view me differently, and as though I’m crazy. Although, I will admit that mentally I am not at all normal, I also don’t want to live in a world without her. I’ve been bullied and made fun of my whole life, and she brings me up and tells me how great I am, but at the same time it scares me that this might actually harm me eventually. It’s a love/hate thing.”
20. I hear flutes; I’ll regularly get into conversations with sorta quiet voices in my head.
“I hear flutes; I’ll regularly get into conversations with sorta quiet voices in my head and sometimes I see black cats in the corner of my vision.”
21. Laughing when I was home alone, someone calling my name, screaming, banging sounds, animal sounds, walking sounds…
“I have PTSD that started out as schizophrenia symptoms. When I was in middle school I started to notice weird background sounds that was impossible to happen. Laughing when I was home alone, someone calling my name, screaming, banging sounds, animal sounds, walking sounds, etc., etc. At first I thought it was just my mind since anytime I spoke to my parents about it they insisted ‘everyone hears those things, it’s normal, it’s just you thinking too much’ but they sounded distant but like they were right next to me at the same time. Like I could actually hear them with my ear, it was completely different then how I think sounds or voices or such. But I ignored it like I was told to. As I got into JR High they got worse and worse and all these sounds got louder and more frequent. And soon they turned into voices. I am not sure how many I had because they were always too hard to count because they liked to talk at the same time. But there was this one that sounded like a scared little girl who would tell me not to trust anyone, to run away, hide, and that everyone was going to hurt me… I think that has something to do with the reason I have PTSD. You know, I black out a lot of my life. Some times I black out every single detail of something that happens and don’t recall it at all until I have one of my melt downs. And sometimes i just black out details. So I remember high school being one giant fucked up place with so much over whelming sounds and voices and visual hallucinations. I remember a lot of the feelings, but not so much details anymore. I saw mostly shadows and such, people standing behind me or next to me and suddenly they would be gone. And for a while I was completely convinced they were ghosts. But after a while I figured out it was just me seeing things and they would get worse if I was stressed or having a meltdown or angry. Same with all the voices. I have never been on medication for it as my parents never once believed me for a second. They didn’t believe me when I told them I was depressed either. They told me I was just being a normal teenager… My boyfriend through high school (now my fiancé) believed me and took me seriously and he was the thing that held me together. I was such an angry messed up person that I literally had fantasies of shooting up my High School. Even got blue prints of the school and made and very elaborate plan. The main reason I didn’t was cause deep deep down I knew it was wrong and I would have no life after ward and I wanted so badly to see what would happen with the rest of my life. It had to get better… And in a lot of ways it did. When I was finally able to move out of my parents’ house and I managed to scrape by through High school things got so much better. The stress was so much better and it changed. I don’t hear many voices anymore. I still get a few background sounds but I try to keep music or something going so I don’t pay attention to them. They are at their worst when I am doing something that I have a phobia of. Like showering. Yes I shower normally but it’s a phobia that I will get attacked in the shower or something will happen to someone in my house while I am in the shower. So I hear a lot of weird noises and thumps and stuff while I am showering, my heart racing the whole times. I was finally able to see a therapist, a very very good one, and was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I have a lot of flash backs and my dog is my service dog now. My dog and my fiancé are the best things that have ever happened to me. When I drink the once voice I have left, who sounds like my fiancé, tends to be very loud. And he never says nice things. I have to really trust my fiancé when he says he never said those things. PTSD does mess with my life a lot and I have a lot of anxiety and depression. Money is very tight so I am not on any pills at the moment though I really do want to get on. I just do my best to cope and pretend that I’m normal. If you were to talk to me for a while you would never guess how fucked up my head is. It all an elaborate lie I have been keeping up with since I was 8 years old… (Sorry it’s so long and sorry for any mistakes. I have dyslexia).”
22. I usually hear people call my name. I’ll hear them say ‘hey’ or ‘hello.’
“I usually hear people call my name. I’ll hear them say ‘hey’ or ‘hello.’
I constantly feel watched. I live in an attic in a garage alone, and I see people outside the windows all the time. I have to leap a few feet to get off my bed because I see hands coming out from under it all the time. When I’m standing I’m always afraid there are people directly out of my line of sight. Also when I’m sitting. I always think someone’s gonna grab my feet.
I can’t eat in public because I look at people and the people in my head are telling me about what everyone else is thinking. I can’t go in crowded places at all. If I do eat in public I need the same server every time.
I’m constantly having to delete all my texts and Facebook messages. I don’t know why. If I don’t ill have a panic attack. Recently within the last five or so months, I’ve constantly had a feeling of pure dread. It’s like… When you have something bad to say to someone but you can’t say it and it physically hurts you. That’s how it feels, but constant. And I have nothing to say.
My body is out for rent, to the people in my head if that makes sense. I spend nights watching myself pace back and forth from a third person views. Sometimes they’ll wake me up to stare out the windows at the figures outside.
I’m always hearing people downstairs in my place. I send text messages that I don’t remember sending and sometimes I remember sending text messages that I never even wrote.
They tell me situations that never happened over and over again until I believe them.”
23. I hear a woman who calls out to me. not too bad. then I hear a male voice, one who tells me consistently to kill people, myself, they’re staring at me. That kind of thing.
“I hear a woman who calls out to me. not too bad. then I hear a male voice, one who tells me consistently to kill people, myself, they’re staring at me. That kind of thing. I take quetiapine and paroxetine and diazepam. I am on the edge of my seat 100% of the time. I hear every single noise at once. I cannot make an emotional bond with any one including my son. I think about suicide every fucking day.”
24. I wear earplugs to stop the voices.
“I wear earplugs to stop the voices. I figured out that my brain was processing sounds as voices falsely. Any ambient noise I would think was a voice saying something and I would go into my mind to listen. This earplug thing works great. I can still hear but no more fake voices.”
25. I hear random muttering of syllables by what seems to be an old man.
“I hear random muttering of syllables by what seems to be an old man. Sometimes I notice myself moving my lips while it happens. I hear random conversations between 2-5 people. They speak about entirely random things and last for about 30 seconds. I hear random clicking and walking sounds, as if someone is around my computer and reading it; it caused me to get up and check on the terminal more times than I can imagine. And then there are the voices that tell me to trust no one. They say everyone hate me, they fake everything in the interaction with me to get to me and hurt me even more. They tell me I hold absolutely no value to anyone, that I am a menace that has to be extinguished, that I need to die. They tell me everyone else is traitorous and that I need to kill or be killed. They tell me that the girl I love is the leader of all this, that she played this joke on me so that I will live the worst existence that can exist. They make me lash out against people, especially my parents. But my parents are part of this. They can’t help me, they are part of the problem. Usually when those things happen I freeze.
I took 4 different drugs so far, and currently on 800 mg Seroquel/day. It’s almost the maximal dosage, but the change it started has halted and has started to revert. I see a psychiatrist once a week and a psychologist twice. I don’t trust either of them. I hate talking to them. The psychologist is one of them, and the psychiatrist pretends to understand.
I am alone in my room all day, every day for around seven months now. I sit in my room in front of the computer with a large headset, playing some kind of music or sounds all the time. They muff out the voices, sort of. This year was meant to be my last year in high school. I am the one who finally called for help late last year. But I feel like things were much better when I asked for help. A lot of people seem to act as if I am pretending, that I can just get over it and study like everyone else for my finals. I won’t be conscripted into the army like everyone else, a rite of passage, of sort, in my country.
I am useless. I don’t believe they can help me, or that I can change. I will die here, like this. Alone in the darkness, as I have came to call it. Some people suggested I befriend the darkness, but I don’t see a way in hell to befriend it. It wants me to die. It wants me to lie and manipulate, and I cannot resist it. So far I have managed to hurt several people without their knowledge, but I fear in the end I will take more drastic measures against them.
I am so sick of this. I can’t remember what its like to have peace anymore. Everything is barely a distraction at best. I don’t know or remember what real empathy or love are anymore. I want to hurt other people so they will join my misery, I know I shouldn’t but it’s very hard to control. Maybe in the end something will change, but I don’t know if I will be there to experience it.”
26. There’s the goddamn voice in my head that tries to persuade me to try and do violent things.
“Do you know the Master from Doctor Who and his drumming? Imagine that, but real. And then there’s the goddamn voice in my head that tries to persuade me to try and do violent things.”
27. Occasionally it will tell me to harm myself, or do something to put myself in harm’s way.
“I hear many things. There’s a couple of voices that I hear; one is degrading, telling me how worthless I am. Occasionally it will tell me to harm myself, or do something to put myself in harm’s way (e.g., telling me to jump out a car door while the car is moving, or jump in front of a train when I’m at the train station). The other voice is a lot more confusing. Sometimes it’ll tell me how I’m special, more special than anyone in the world. Sometimes it tells me that I’m doing things the wrong way, yet it won’t tell me what I’ve done wrong. Sometimes it will tell me to pay extremely close attention to something mundane—last time I listened to it, it told me to count bumps in a wall, because it was somehow important.
Aside from the voices, there’s a bunch of other auditory hallucinations. I often hear static, a bit like an untuned radio, and occasionally a deafening explosion. One hallucination that I actually am truly grateful for is the music in my head; for the past 10 years or so, in the background, is this wonderful, alien music that’s forever morphing and changing. The only downside I see with that is that i get lost in it, paying little attention to the real world, because listening to it is the most wonderful experience.”
28. He told me just last week that I could kill a man walking down the street with my knife in my pocket.
“I hear a man and a girl.
The man tells me things that aren’t true, or are out of grasp. For instance, he would tell me to go hit on this girl, when I know she’s out of my league. But sometimes, he will say things that just aren’t right. For instance, he told me just last week that I could kill a man walking down the street with my knife in my pocket. That I can play god, and that I am god, and everything that is, is me. He scares me. I only hear him when I’m alone, and depressed, however.
The girls voice is an odd story. I had an ex move away to Florida about six months ago, without saying a word to me. Just up and left. But the girls voice, I can recognize as my ex’s, Kelly. She’s the nice one, whom I hear a lot of. She tells me that I shouldn’t fear being alone, and I shouldn’t fear death. I shouldn’t be afraid of what lies ahead, but embrace it rather. She’s also my ‘heightened common sense,’ if you will. Like if I’m cooking…..I don’t know, a cake. She’ll tell me exactly what to put in the bowl, and what consistency it should be, and how long it would take. And she’s always right, I haven’t read directions for cooking since I started hearing her. She tells me I’m a nice, loving, kind hearted and generous man, and that I shouldn’t listen to the angry tempered man in my head. Nobody knows that I hear these voices, not even my mom, who I’m super close to. I might head these voices, but I see it as a good thing. I have a different understanding of the world, as well as several viewpoints on an issue when I have one. The only real problem is, when I’m alone, I talk to the girl, the one that sounds like Kelly…And we have nice conversations. Like me and the real Kelly did. I am so in love with this girl, even after 6 months, that hearing this voice even hurts sometimes. We talk daily, the voice and I. Through my thoughts, when I’m around people, and aloud when I’m alone. She tells me every night before I fall asleep, ‘Sweet dreams, my darling. When you wake tomorrow, I will be here when you wake tomorrow. Sleep tight. I love you, don’t let the bed bugs bite” Then I smell a perfume that smells like strawberries, and I feel a faint kiss on the cheek. This routine kills me on the inside, because I know who the voice is…I know EXACTLY who it is….And it scares me. I cry every night, when I feel that faint kiss on my cheek, because that’s what Kelly would do…And she’s gone, forever…I’m sad that I hear her tell me she loves me every night, because I know she’s not real, but at the same time….I’m glad I’m not alone…All of my friends left because I’m either an atheist, or I don’t have money to give them to get fucked up every night. I know Kelly is gone, and I know the voice is fake….But at least I have someone to talk to, who understands me, and somebody to tell me they love me every night of my life….That’s all I could ask for…I wish this voice were a real person, here with me, instead of a voice of a person that I’m madly in love with and will never see again. I’m sorry if I spelled anything wrong, I’m bawling at the moment, so its a tad hard to type…But I feel like typing this out makes me feel better, and makes it a little easier to cope with, knowing that thousands of you…are interested in hearing my story.”
29. He usually urges me to do violent things.
“Not sure exactly what I have, but basically it’s kind of like hearing voices, except instead of hearing the voices as if it’s another person, I have two different trains of thought going all the time. One of them is a perfectly normal docile person, which thankfully seems to be the dominant one, and the other is a more instinctive vengeful me. I’ve named him Mortimer. He usually urges me to do violent things, sometimes I can tell why, like a person is annoying me, but other times I just start craving violence for no reason at all. But the thing is I have two thought processes in my head, so when they communicate it’s like two telepathic people sharing thoughts 24/7.”
30. I’ve heard whispers calling my name that turn to yelling directly in my ear.
“I’ve actually tried to do an AMA a couple times but, they’ve all been taken down. I have residual schizophrenia. It’s mostly in remission so, perhaps I could help. I’ve really never had very many hallucinations (to my knowledge anyway). I’ve heard whispers calling my name that turn to yelling directly in my ear. It sounds just like any other external voice. I’ve heard conversations while alone coming from my empty house. Usually under times of stress. I’ve never had threatening or violent ones. Mine were mostly while I was growing up so, I suppose I just didn’t know any difference. I’d love to answer any questions that you all may have :)”
31. I can ‘hear’ other people’s thoughts judging me, fear there are plots to discredit or ruin me.
“On a good day. It’s kind of like walking around a crowded party. You can hear people talking, but it’s so much audible clutter that it becomes noise. If I’m busy or thinking really hard about a problem I’m solving (i.e.: at work or a project) it fades into the background but I’m still aware of it.
If my mind isn’t constantly occupied with something (i.e.: boredom) the opposite happens. The noise increases and sometimes the voices/thoughts become tangible. Usually preying on negative feelings or memories.
On a bad day, things are much, much worse. Bad days can occur after severe lack of sleep, emotional trauma or tremendous stress. Voices become clear and fall into several categories:
1.) Fearless. You can do anything. Fuck boundaries you can rock this shit. These aren’t too bad, but encourage reckless and dangerous behavior (drinking, drug use, impulsive actions)
2.) Paranoid and Delusional. I can ‘hear’ other people’s thoughts judging me, fear there are plots to discredit or ruin me. I see everyone as an enemy to be avoided/overcome.
3.) Failure. Voices focus heavily on personal failures. Instead of using them as a learning experience the voices berate me with reminders of how worthless I was (these have improved with therapy)
4.) Violence. I have never once allowed these to influence me other than punching a wall here or there when I was younger.
I am medicated now, and with a combination of medication, lifestyle changes, therapy and exercise I have managed to greatly improve my mental health. Sometimes there are struggles, but my day to day life is relatively normal.”
32. Sometimes they scream angry hateful things telling me to kill myself or others around me.
“Most of my hallucinations are visual. I see men who watch me from a distance. Sometimes if I look away they get closer. I can never look at their faces because they look like a smeared oil painting if I try to focus on them. Sometimes they scream angry hateful things telling me to kill myself or others around me. No matter where I am there is always at least one around. It can be berry terrifying especially when it’s dark and silent and I can hear one walking closer to me. I haven’t seen a doctor because I fear they wouldn’t believe me. I’m not at all expressive in my face or voice so people regard me as very quiet and emotionless.”
33. Sometimes they say things that don’t make sense. I write some of them down. One example is ‘he cannot these cortexes find.’
“So I actually have schizoaffective disorder, which is schizophrenia plus a mood disorder, which for me is depression. Anyway I’m a bit of a weird case. I have auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations, and my auditory hallucinations can originate from either outside of me or within my own mind (like your thinking voice, but not the one you actually think in—if that makes sense). My auditory hallucinations are also weird because they aren’t all voices. I hear a lot of random sounds. The first thing I heard was one strum on a guitar in my bedroom when no one else was home and my guitar was zipped up in its case. I’ve also heard snickers, footsteps, horses walking on the road outside my house…really random things. These are all things I hear coming from outside of me.
The things I hear inside my head, no psychiatrist has ever really been able to explain, and I’ve been through a few. Basically I hear other people’s voices inside my head. Men, women, teens, children, gruff old men. Sometimes they say things that don’t make sense. I write some of them down. One example is ‘he cannot these cortexes find.’ Other things do make sense, but I can’t make sense of why I’m hearing them. It’s like I’m hearing snippets of other people’s conversations out of context. And they’re really dumb. I heard a teen girl talking about being picked up to hang out with friends, things like that. Sometimes I’m not sure if they’re talking to me or someone else, like one gruff gentleman who said something to the effect of ‘honey, go get my gun.’ These voices come in packs and usually when I’m trying to focus on homework or trying to fall asleep or something.
New as of my last episode in the fall is music. I hear distant music that is just faint enough that I can figure out a genre but not recognize an artist or song title. It’s actually really annoying because I want to be able to place it but I can’t. One time African drums were keeping me awake.
…that’s the gist of mine.”
34. ‘You’re stupid’ and the ‘F’ word are used quite liberally 24/7.
“One male voice here, started shortly after turning 28. It’s very similar to hearing someone just speak, the tone is a little different. But it can change tones with effort and it will mimic knocks or sounds from outside to get your attention, whisper something as you walk pass people to make you think they are talking about you, etc. Mostly mean childlike games involving basic psychology or behavioral conditioning in my case. Always trying to keep my attention focused on it and using repetitive words or phrases to elicit emotional responses, which can be quite effective. The actually used words are very limited in my case which is likely less than 20 words, ‘you’re stupid’ and the ‘F’ word are used quite liberally 24/7.
I suppose I’ve been one of the lucky ones as I’ve always found it more comical then anything, so there has never been the need for medication, even if it has been very annoying at times. After about 12 years later I ended with an auto-immune which made the voice more influential as I became weaker mentally and physically. What I found to help me the most then, was simply exercising my mind occasionally. Working on my sense of sound like a musician would, learning to distinguish different tones and sounds. Working with the other senses as well to focus intently on the physical reality, doing math, language, pretty much a full mental workout. On top of working on my will power by making myself feel certain emotions or countering negative emotions with other emotions. etc. It takes work and time, but then most good things do and like most things you do it gets easier and easier.”
35. The older-sounding male was always against me. Always trying to get me to commit murder/suicide.
“Well, I heard 3 voices. 2 male and 1 female. The younger sounding male was chaotic, always switched between being nice and being against me. The older-sounding male was always against me. Always trying to get me to commit murder/suicide. The female was mostly nice. I heard them as clearly as if they were sitting right next to me. When I was a kid, I made imaginary friends, that I could see, to keep me company. The winter after I turned 12, the bullies at my school (The second of the 3 schools I’ve been to) got worse, and my grandma moved out, on my mom’s command. My imaginary friends disappeared one day, but the voices stuck around. I started cutting (not the flimsy way with a razor, but with a knife I got from the scouts. About 15cm long), because then the voices got quiet. I noticed that after I got hurt, falling from a swing. I tried committing suicide 3 times, all times by cutting deeper than normal. I got hospitalized at 17 years old. This was the first time someone actually listened to me. I got medicine after a couple of months, and they helped. I stopped hearing voices after a while, and got out of the ward after 6 months. After another 6 months, I got a psychiatrist that actually listened to me and diagnosed me with schizophrenia when I was 18. I am now 19, and I haven’t been able to go to school since I got hospitalized. I can’t concentrate, I can’t remember. I am currently in the process of lowering my doses, so I in the end can live without the medicine.”
36. People screaming my name. It’s never the same voices and usually only when I am very stressed.
“People screaming my name. It’s never the same voices and usually only when I am very stressed. I remember hearing it as early as 5 years old. There was also a male voice that at one point told me to stop visiting my friends when I was about six. Frightening stuff for a little girl.”
37. I have three male voices.
“I have three male voices. This recording is disturbingly accurate.”