1. Texting me to tell me about it. Thanks, wife.
“Texting me to tell me about it. Thanks, wife.”
2. Infrequent outbursts of unexplained laughter.
“Laughing…Not the something is funny and we can both see the humor in it. Like infrequent outbursts of unexplained laughter. Makes a guy pretty self-conscious.”
3. Don’t take an obvious dump in the next room right before we have sex.
“Taking an obvious dump right before, in the next room. Not a huge turn-on.”
4. Don’t call me your brother’s name.
“I remember the time my girlfriend passionately called me ‘Ronnie’ during sex. My name is Phil. Ronnie is her brother.”
5. Stop saying stupid porn-actress stuff.
“Please never say porn actress stuff like ‘Yeah! Fuck that pussy! You like fucking that pussy?’”
6. And knock it off with the fake porn moaning, too.
“Fake porn moans, stop that, make your real sounds. Real sounds are beautiful and erotic.”
7. Is this really the time to comment that we need milk?
“Starting a non-sexy conversation while we are doing it. Is this really the time to comment that we need milk?”
8. Why is this the time to discuss weekend plans?
“Talking. I don’t want to have a conversation with you about anything until later. Why is this the time to discuss weekend plans?”
9. Don’t claim to be a squirter and then just pee on me.
“Claiming to be a squirter but just peeing instead.”
10. If you try licking my butthole without permission, you’re lucky my sphincter doesn’t injure your tongue.
“I shortly dated a woman that was into pretty much anything. She tried to lick my butt hole. I’m surprised my clench didn’t permanently injure her tongue. Worst part, she pressed the issue. There isn’t water cold enough to let the wind out of the sails as fast as that did. You tell me you aren’t into something, that’s the end of that unless a discussion comes up later/another time. And, it wouldn’t be mid attempt. I just expect the same.”
11. Knock it off with the generic dirty talk.
“Overusing/generic dirty talk. Sure a few sexy phrases here and there are great but when it becomes boring and repetitive or simply obscure it gets hard to focus on the fun.”
12. And quit telling me to talk dirty.
“’Talk dirty to me.’
Oh, okay, I was just doing a physical activity with my blood all focused in my non-thinking head, but sure, let’s have me start thinking of things to say. How about you give me some math problems while you’re at it?”
13. Quit giving me so many instructions.
“Calling too many audibles. A little bit of guidance can be helpful, but if you want total control of the experience…you should stick with your Battery Operated Boyfriend.”
14. Don’t say ‘no’ when you mean ‘don’t stop.’
“Saying ‘no no no’ over and over again—not as in ‘stop,’ but instead of saying ‘oh god’ or ‘yes yes yes’ or ‘don’t stop, don’t stop.’ For whatever reason, some women’s ‘sex sound’ is to say ‘no.’ I get that it’s likely not something she can control, but it was a total turnoff.”
15. Quit treating my balls like tennis balls rather than the delicate eggs they are.
“Getting too damned rough with the balls. Those things are sensitive ladies, and are easily hurt. My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years, and I still have to remind her about it. You want to treat them like eggs, not tennis balls.”
16. Stop leaning too far back while riding on top and almost breaking my dick.
“Riding on top, the girl leans all the way back. Sure great experience for you but it doesn’t bend too well.”
17. Don’t be so hung-up about how your vagina looks.
“Being embarrassed about the appearance of their vaginas. I have been with a few women who wouldn’t want me going down on them because they feel like their lips are too big or something is not exactly pink or some other small insignificant thing I wouldn’t notice while I was down there and it just killed the mood a bit. Ladies, unless your vagina is like the desert sarlacc with teeth and tentacles its fine and it really doesn’t matter what it looks like.”
18. Don’t ever prop up your head while sucking dick.
“Sucking dick, but not loving it. No matter your gender or orientation, if you’re going to give oral you have got to be into giving it. Don’t ever prop your head up while sucking dick.”
19. Don’t grab my ticklish balls, because I’ll start telling dad jokes again.
“I’m insanely ticklish and during reverse cowgirl, she’d grab my balls and I’d ignite with the giggles. I like being sensual with my partner but damn, the dad jokes come out after that and she hates them. TLDR – grab my balls and I tell dad jokes.”
20. You’ll never be as good as I am at giving me a handjob.
“Handjobs, listen honey, you could practice from now till Armageddon and you’d not have as much experience as me at jacking my junk.”
21. Quit bending my dick when I’m fucking you!
“Instead of moving up and down, causing an ‘in and out’ motion, trying to wiggle forward and backward, which just bends my dick, and applies unpleasant pressure with a shearing action on the base. I get it, it stimulates the clitoris maybe, if it’s being rubbed against my body, but if you want that, just tell me, and I can use my hand, or bring out a toy or something…”
22. Acting impatient while blowing me.
“Being impatient when giving head or handjobs, for fuck’s sake if you’re not enjoying it you could at least pretend. I’ll come when I’m god damn ready, and you rushing me isn’t going to get it done any faster.”
23. Focusing too much on the tip during a BJ.
“When they focus on the tip too much during a BJ. That’s the most sensitive part.”
24. Biting too hard on my lip.
“I have recently discovered that getting the bottom of my lip bitten in some ‘rough’ kissing can actually hurt like a SOB! Needless to say, it can be a pretty unpleasant experience, especially when in the midst of an otherwise sensual kiss.”
25. Biting my ear too hard.
“I’m really against getting my ear bitten or anything close to that.”
26. Insisting that the room be pitch-black.
“Insisting that it must be pitch-black in the room. I call it ‘Stevie Wonder Porn.’”
27. For fuck’s sake, leave my nipples alone.
“For fuck’s sake, leave my nipples alone.”
28. And quit sucking on my balls.
“Sucking on my balls. It doesn’t hurt, but I can’t say it feels good, either. Almost twitch slapped her on the forehead.”
29. Placing a mind-control slug in my ear with their tongue.
“Stick their tongue in your ear hole. Just gives me flashbacks to Chekov’s mind-control slug in Wrath of Khan.”
30. Furiously pumping my dick when it’s limp feels like getting punched in the balls hundreds of times.
“Getting a furious handy while you have whiskey dick really just feels like getting punched in the balls hundreds of times.”
31. Don’t bite on or suck my nipples, because it feels fucking weird.
“Biting/sucking nipples. Don’t think it gives the same sensation a girl may get. Just feels fucking weird.”
32. Quit biting my dick!
“They don’t try to, but my dick is moderately big and their teeth always scrape across my dick. Another thing they do, which isn’t great, but also not really intentional is jack my dick in an uncomfortable way. It’s like they pull and pull and don’t realize you have to push the skin back too.”
33. I said quit biting my dick!
“Using your teeth while you give a blowjob. God damn I still can’t forget this one chick giving literally most painful worst blowjob I ever had.”
34. Don’t jerk me off like you’re secretly The Flash.
“Jerking me like she’s secretly The Flash.”
35. Don’t jerk me off while your parents are in the front seat.
“My first handjob from a girl she thought just grinding the tip with her thumb was how it was done and I couldn’t say anything because her parents were in the front seat of the car.”
36. Do NOT touch my balls. Leave them fellas alone.
“Probably just me, but do NOT touch my balls. I don’t like it. Not even a bit. Leave them fellas alone.”
37. Do NOT lick my asshole, no matter how clean I feel.
“Lick my asshole. Just not comfortable no matter how clean I feel.”
38. Do NOT stick a finger up there, either.
“Sticking a finger in my bum.”
39. As a matter of fact, don’t even approach my asshole unless I ask for it.
“Only if I ask for it, and at no other time, may you even approach my asshole. Preparation and diet are HIGHLY required before you mess with my poop chute.”
40. Don’t just do the same thing over and over.
“The same thing over and over. My ex was a missionary only type of person. We tried doggy once and didn’t like it, never tried anything again. Just missionary all the time. It got so boring that I actually had more fun just watching porn and jerking off. It was a really really bad relationship.”
41. Don’t get way too drunk to have sex and then get pushy about having sex.
“Getting way too drunk to have sex, and then getting pushy, cranky, and sloppy.”
42. Don’t spit on my dick!
“Call me crazy but I don’t like spitting, it kinda grosses me out when she hocks a loogie on my dick for no reason, since she’s putting it in her mouth immediately after anyway. And don’t say it’s acceptable to use spit rather than lube when it’s going in the butt; I know porn stars say it’s better but in all fairness they must have gaping, cavernous assholes because if you’ve ever tried that with a girl with an average butthole you’ll realize saliva only acts as a decent lube for the first 10 seconds, after that say hello to rug-burn dick.”
43. Don’t tell me my dick is big when you know it’s average at best.
When they tell me how big my dick is. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but come on we both know average at best.
44. Don’t wink at me during sex. You look like a goofball with an eye twitch.
I had one chick I banged for years that was never my gf. She was crazy in bed and would literally do anything, and she was great at being on top and giving blowjobs. But every once in a while she would “wink” at me when she was on her back, or with my dick in her mouth, or when we were doing it doggy style and facing a mirror. And it just looked so stupid in such erotic moments that it drove me absolutely bonkers because it was not only kind of creepy but took her from looking like a hot slut to a goofball with an eye twitch. So distracting and such a turn off. I never told her because I didn’t want to stop banging her.
45. Don’t sneeze on my face whilst riding me.
“Sneezing. I know it’s natural and happens but having you sneeze on my face whilst riding me, isn’t fun. At least aim away ladies.”
46. Don’t dig your nails into my back like you’re hanging off a fucking cliff.
“The nails in the back and neck. Like its kinky a little bit but most women act like they’re hanging off a fucking cliff, I don’t want to bleed every time.”
47. Complaining about her husband.
“Complaining about her husband.”
48. Don’t do Bruce Forsyth impressions while riding me.
“Bruce Forsyth impressions while riding me. I think that might just be isolated to my girlfriend, though.”
49. Don’t do literally nothing.
“Doing literally nothing.”
50. I hate when grandma doesn’t knock.
“Am a virgin but it was a huge turnoff when I’m about to cum and my grandma brings in my folded laundry.…Jesus Christ, grandma, knock for once.”