1. I masturbated to pictures of my dead friend
“I masturbated to Facebook pictures of my friend…who died two years ago.”
2. I shit on my friend’s toothbrush
“I shit on my friend Mitchell’s toothbrush.”
3. I unfriended her four years ago but still stalk her Facebook profile daily
“I look at my crush’s Facebook profile almost every day….I unfriended her 4 years ago in a futile attempt to get over her.”
4. I drank a blonde girl’s pee
“In high school sister’s hot blonde friend came over and they were hanging out in her bedroom. I went into the bathroom and disabled the toilet. Hot blonde went in a while later and of course it wouldn’t flush. Afterwards I went in and drank her pee.”
5. I fucked the cleaning lady’s boot
“I fucked the cleaning lady’s boot (not to completion, just a few thrusts). It was one of those puffy slipper type things. I thought it was hot to be secretly jacking it a few rooms away from her, then I realized it’d be even hotter to have her walking around not knowing I sexed her foot area.”
6. I stare at people while they eat and sleep
“I’ve been repeatedly told that staring at people when they eat or sleep is creepy and that I need to stop doing it. Well, until someone finally tells me why it’s creepy instead of just telling me “it just is,” I’m gonna keep watching people at the food court eat their food. There’s so much you can learn about a person by watching them eat a hot dog.”
7. I drew a face on my dick and talked to it
“Got drunk and drew a face on my dick and had a conversation with it.”
8. I helped stuff a dismembered corpse into an oil drum
“I used to live in Paraguay and most things are legal there if you are willing to pay a bribe or keep quiet about it. I had this friend who was studying medicine and he asked me one day if I wanted to go over to his house, hang out and help him with something. I arrived there and this ‘something’ he wanted me to help him out with was a dead body. Apparently, for a small price, his professor hooked him up with a corpse. By the time I had arrived, it was already dismembered and missing all the organs. My friend wanted to inspect the bones next, but there was still quite a bit of muscle attached to them, so we went out and bought an empty oil drum from a garage and some lime from a hardware store. It was like something out of Breaking Bad.”
9. I sold my soul to the Devil
“I was a lonely child. Though surrounded by many siblings, I felt completely isolated. I sold my soul to the Devil. Here was my train of thought on this spontaneous soul-selling: I asked him for someone to like me—a girl to like me—girls to like me—for a short period of time (I didn’t believe it’d work if I asked for girls to like me forever). A week later a girl kissed me on the cheek and we were dating.’ Then she broke up with me… two weeks later (DUN DUN DUN). I seriously thought I sold my soul for two weeks of love. Seems to still be the case.”
10. I bought people’s souls for a quarter
“I remember having a jar and bringing it to school. I kept little pieces of paper in it and a pencil. This was like in grade 5-6 mind you. Anyways I had a business where I would buy souls off people for 25 cents. This would mean I would write down their name on the paper and fold it up and put it in the jar. If you didn’t think this was creepy enough, keep reading. One day a girl wanted a refund on her soul. I told her I didn’t do refunds. She got very upset and demanded I give her back her soul. Young me decided it would be good to just start ripping up her piece of paper. Needless to say, as a naive youngling, she believed all this and was mortified to the point of tears. That was a fun trip to the principal’s office. Looking back on it, it was manipulative, weird, exploitive, and just plain creepy.”
