Maybe What We Had Wasn’t Love

Maybe we were supposed to part.

Love that burns like bonfire can never last. It flickered to life, wild and hungry as we were inflamed in our deadly attraction. We couldn’t stay away from the dark allure, and the intensity engulfed us. But then, the fire always dies out eventually.

As much as we wanted it to work, reality reminded us why it shouldn’t. Love like ours was better to be observed from a safe distance. We were too different, too angry, and too intense to be suited for each other. Our love was vividly beautiful, explosive, and an emotional ride, but it couldn’t and shouldn’t last.

I wanted an earth-shattering romance, the kind that invaded all my senses and yanked my heart out from my chest as though it no longer belonged to me. It felt like I was on fire, and all the atoms in my body yearned to be with you. I wanted a love that consumed me from deep within and left me writhing in agony when we were apart. I was always left wanting more of you.

And I got what I wished for. It was good while it lasted, but it drained me mentally and physically. Perhaps the price just wasn’t worth it anymore. I was tired of the toxicity that kept me chained to you. I was starting to regain my senses that this wasn’t working. I was wary of a love so difficult, and our relationship was doomed from the start.

Maybe what we had was not love.

I wanted a love that burned brightly like the sun and allowed me to base my entire world upon it. But love was supposed to be part of the equation, not the totality of my existence. Love isn’t supposed to be a highly charged emotion all the time, bringing you a euphoria high and an extreme low on the same night. Love wasn’t merely a feeling but also a careful balance of compatibility and chemistry. Love wasn’t basing my self-worth and identity in the relationship and expecting it to validate me instead of doing it on my own. Love wasn’t jumping into it blindly and seeing where it goes.

Love requires commitment, hard work, and effort to work through any conflict and issues together. Love means having the same aligned view and values of the future. Love means embracing and accepting each other’s imperfections fully.

Love doesn’t necessary means having perfect and exhilarating fun dates, but rather making the ordinary and mundane days extraordinary. It doesn’t mean never having a bad day, but rather the day becomes better because we can be there for each other. It doesn’t mean we only love when it’s convenient, but we do so despite the obstacles, difficulties, tears, and heartbreak.

Maybe losing you was supposed to be the turning point of my life.

Some losses, although devastating, are actually blessings in disguise. After we ended, I was very much lost and abandoned. I wanted you to be the sole reason for my existence, and now that you weren’t in my life, my purpose for living crumbled around me. It seemed that my life disintegrated before my eyes, but I refused to stay defeated.

I took my time to heal, learn not to automatically search for your face in the crowd, to almost forget the taste of your lips and your scent on my skin. I met new people and tried to replace our memories with them. I made bad decisions but grew from my mistakes and learned to stand on my own feet. I stopped looking for love externally and found strong self-love radiating from within. I realized what we had wasn’t love and was thankful for walking away.

Ending it with you was heartbreaking, but definitely for the best. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I write about falling in love and out of love.

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