The 5 Stages Of White Girl Wasted


One of the best parts of being “twenty something” is that, even though we no longer live close to our friends in the quasi-commune that is college, we do get to celebrate being semi-adult every weekend with our girls: Or, as it is more frequently called, a weekend of being, “White Girl Wasted”.  (#wgw isn’t about color, it’s about the “how” you got drunk)

White Girl Wasted differs from “getting drunk” for one reason, and one reason only; your sole goal on a WGW evening is to have a good time with your girlfriends, and nothing else. No boyfriends, no outsiders, no hook ups; just you and your friends spending a night of getting drunk, and taking blackmail, erhm, I mean, pictures with one another. On this night, there’s no “drunk crying”, or “therapy sessions”; ain’t nobody got time for that. You’re on a mission, and goddammit, you will accomplish it.

After a week of incessant hype on social media, including at least one #tbt, your night with your girls finally commences, and this is usually how it goes:

1. First Phase: The Pre-Game

It’s 7 o’clock and you all convene at one of your friends’ house; you have multiple outfits packed, straighteners, curlers, enough make up to do one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey’s face (you can pick your favorite- personally, I choose Teresa) and of course, vodka.

2. Second Phase: The Light Buzz

You’re getting ready, applying make up in between sips gulps of vodka and cranberries (or whatever your choice of drink is) and before you know it, you’re three solo cups in and feeling good. You’re proud of yourself for applying your make up without looking like a ratchet whore, and have taken PLENTY of selfies to celebrate your accomplishment.

3. Third Phase: The “We Just Got Here,  LETS DO SHOTS”

Your Light Buzz has faded from the cab/train/mom’s minivan ride you just took, and you need to keep the momentum going. After all, it’s girls night out. In your mind, the only way to get to the next level is to take shots, and they’re usually shots of fireball.

4. Fourth Phase: The “IDGAF!”

A personal favorite, the IDGAF phase is when you have completely passed buzzed, and, are running head first towards black out. You’re buying rounds for you and your friends, taking bathroom selfies, laughing at everything. You’re in the middle of the dance floor; breaking it down to Nicki Minaj’ “Starship” with your synchronized dance moves. You’re tweeting, snapping, texting, dancing, drinking simultaneously. All in all, you’re in the moments where you realize you have accomplished your goal; you’re White Girl Wasted, and nobody is going to stop the fun.

5. Phase 5: The After Party

You and your girls have come to the consensus that these heels aren’t meant for dancing anymore, besides, your make up is starting to run down your face: it’s time to go home.  You corral your girls, pile into a cab/train/moms minivan, and make your way. Quickly, you all whip off your barbaric heels and push-ups bras, trading them in for your cozy yoga pants. You spend the rest of your night sitting around with one another, reliving your time out, finishing all your liquor, until you pass out. If you’re lucky, one of you (probably the “mom” of the group) is sober enough to hand out advils and water before you all daze off to that wonderful drunk sleep.

Yes, the next morning might be groggy. Inevitably, you’ll see some questionable Snapchat stories, and probably some indecipherable tweets. There will be horrific pictures of you posted on instagram, but in the end, it’s the nights like this that make us all a little bit happier. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I don’t eat orange flavored candy.

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