You see him at a bar one night and immediately feel warm inside when he smiles at you. You smile back and giggle with your friends, feeling his eyes on you. At the end of the night you wrack up enough courage to give him your number. After all, what do you have to lose?
Fast forward a few months later and you are being ghosted by him. You’re confused and hurt. You know it isn’t about you, but a tiny part of you is thinking otherwise. You didn’t do anything to deserve this. To deserve the humility of being ignored. To deserve the humility of being rejected.
But, truthfully you know this guy is gone for good.
Now you’re stuck not only wondering what you did wrong, but you’re wondering if you had deep feelings for this guy. This guy that you only went on a few dates with and that you only saw on weekends.
Did you actually care for him? Or did you just like the attention?
I got ghosted recently and I must admit, it got to me. I called up my best friend in tears wondering what the heck I did to deserve this. Another friend told me to block him and ghost him back. My sister gave me a sympathetic look as she told me, ‘I told you so’.
When I realized he had stopped responding to me all of a sudden, I felt a pit in my stomach. That kind that feels like you’re going to be sick and cry at the same time. But now as I sit here writing this, I feel at peace.
I wasn’t in love with the guy. We didn’t even go further than kissing in his car. And honestly? I don’t even know how I truly felt about him.
But what I did adore was the attention. More specifically — his undivided attention.
He made me feel special. Like I was different from the rest. His unwavering eye contact made my stomach drop (the delicious, good kind of stomach drop). He asked me questions about me, about my life, about what I did and didn’t like. He made me feel like I was the only damn person in the room when I was with him.
And that kind of attention can be dangerous. Because once you get it, you never want it to stop.
I liked him. I liked his charming smile that I bet a million of girls would kill to look at. I liked the way he spoke to me. I liked the way he kissed me and touched me. I liked that damn spark in his eyes that made me go crazy.
But I think I liked the attention more than I knew. I liked feeling wanted. I liked being needed. I liked having someone to text every day. I liked waking up to a ‘good morning’ text. I liked using that dumb heart eyed emoji that is so cliche, but oh so fun to use.
I liked feeling a little loved. Even if it wasn’t love.
And honestly, I think we need to start admitting to ourselves that sometimes it isn’t even about the person, it’s just about how they make us feel. And sometimes it isn’t about him or her, it’s about the attention you get from them. It’s about you wanting to feel a little less alone. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing to want that.
Why is it such a crime to crave attention and to admit it? Why are we so silent about wanting to feel liked and wanted?
It’s not a crime. It’s human nature to want it. It’s simply just human nature to feel good when someone is paying attention to you. Especially when that someone is as cute and charming as this guy was.