Almost relationships are always going in circles. They are always uncertain, timid and unsure. They are a rollercoaster of adrenaline and butterflies. Almost relationships are as passionate as they are scary. And they are always, always going to hurt the hardest.
I had my first ‘almost relationship’ in college. Before that, I was a serial monogamist relationship type of girl and honestly had know idea what I was getting into.
The thing about almost relationships is that you never go into them knowing it’s an ‘almost’ or a ‘maybe’ or a question. You go into it expecting more. Wanting more. Craving more. You go into it eager and trusting.
It’s only until it’s over when you realize that it was never going to be what you truly wanted it to be.
I met a wonderful guy junior year of college on the shuttle bus heading home to my apartment and I was smitten. He laughed at my jokes. He shyly smiled at me while I gleefully smiled back. He was sweet and endearing, and had a way of making my heart flutter that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Before long, we went on our first date and I was more confident than I should have been. I wore a black dress and kissed him on the sidewalk, feeling higher than a kite.
I was entranced by him. And the thing about him was that he was awkward. He was cute in a nerdy kind of way. He didn’t give me any red flags. He didn’t give me any reason not to trust him. He didn’t give me any reason not to fall for him.
Until he did.
After a few dates and overnight sleepovers, he started slowing cutting me off. Me being the naive person that I am figured he was just busy. But slowly, after a few days of being ghosted, everything came crashing down on me.
And I was the one who had been played.
Turns out, he had been sleeping with one of my best friends at the time. Turns out, he lost all his feelings towards me. Why? I will never know. I was shocked. Never in my life had I been so blindsided. Never in my life had I ever been so sure of something, and so sure of someone, to have him drastically prove me wrong.
I went from feeling like I was on top of the world, to lying in my living room crying like a newborn. I had put all of my heart and trust into something that wasn’t even real. I had put all of my strength and my hope into this one person, who didn’t even really give a damn.
And it hurt. Like hell.
It hurt more to know that I had trusted him, when he was messing around with someone else behind my back. It hurt more to know that I thought we were on the same page, when we clearly weren’t.
It hurt more to know that I cared more. I always cared more.
I saw him a few months later on the same shuttle bus heading home. He sat next to me and gave me that same shy smile that I used to adore. I looked at my hands, unsure of what to say or do. Finally after what seemed like years of awkward silence he cut it with a “I’m so sorry”. Looking up at him, I could tell he was genuine. But I still wanted to slap him for doing that to me.
Later on I learned that he and my ‘ex best friend’ didn’t last long. Karma’s a bitch ain’t it?
A year later I saw him getting off of his shuttle stop, twirling a cute girl around in the rain. They looked happy and giddy. They looked like they were in love. I stared at them, all of a sudden feeling incredibly protective of that lovely girl. I prayed that he wouldn’t do the same thing to her. I hoped he had learned his lesson. I hoped he would finally step up and be the kind of man that every girl truly deserved.