I never thought this day would come. I truly never saw it, even in my wildest of dreams. I never thought I would wake up one day and not see your face in the back of my mind. I never thought I would wake up one day, and not want you next to me.
But I woke up today and didn’t think of you. I woke up, and didn’t wish you were there. I woke up, and didn’t feel the usual tiny hole in the pit of my stomach that liked to gnaw on my subconscious during the night. I woke up, and your name didn’t even cross through my head.
At first I thought I was dreaming. Or that I was going insane. Because you were always supposed to be the one on my mind. You were supposed to be the one that got away. The one I would never get over. The one I would mention and watch my friends roll their eyes or cast worried gazes my way. You were supposed to be the one I would always be in love with.
You were supposed to be the guy I wrote my first poetry book about.
But today I woke up, tiptoed upstairs to get my coffee, and didn’t think about the way you used to bring me lattes. Today, I turned on my laptop and didn’t feel the urge to check what you were up to. Today, I listened to Taylor Swift and The Lumineers and Bon Iver and you still didn’t run through my veins like you usually do.
I thought it was a fluke. Like maybe I was having a day where my brain suddenly let me exhale without being scared of running out of air. But then I realized, I haven’t thought about you for a while. For months, even. I haven’t gotten drunk and messaged you without my friends knowing. I haven’t felt the need to know who you are anymore.
My god….I don’t feel your pain anymore. Am I free from your grasp?
It’s amazing. To not feel the weight of you bending me backwards everywhere I go. It’s amazing. Being able to talk to my friends without hearing them whisper about how I’ll never get over you. It’s amazing. To feel this light. To be able to run through the wind without getting held back by the chorus of your echoes. To not have you dance on my toes every step I take.
It’s amazing to not want to know you anymore.
Because the you that I knew is far away. The you that I knew? He’s gone. Gone where I left you. Gone where we will remain forever marked on that worn down pavement. And I think that’s where I’ll keep you. In that safe place. Where I can visit who we used to be. To get a glimpse of us when we were at our prime.
Because now, I know. We won’t ever be those two people anymore. And that’s ok. That’s more than ok. Because now, I’m not weighed down by your ghost. I’m not threatened by the demons of the past. I’m not covered and washed down in your absence.
I think I’m finally free from you. My god. I think I’m finally free.