1. The Friend Breakup
This one’s been pretty well documented, so no need to elaborate too much. One second you’re speaking in your own language referencing Joe Lo Truglio lines from Role Models, the next second you’re walking next to them on the sidewalk with nothing to say. It’s another 3 (really, really long) blocks until you get to the place. Brutal.
2. The Not-A-Breakup Breakup
The 2-3 month hookup, in which one party who’s been adamant about this not being a relationship sits the other down and breaks up with them — thus, kinda making it a relationship.
3. The Chipotle Aioli Breakup
During last year’s Sriracha craze, a Facebook friend of mine made a status along the lines of “this year’s Sriracha is last year’s Hummus, which is the year before’s chipotle aoili.” This status spoke to me in a way that deep articles about love speak to people who say “thank you for this,” so I gave it the ole “like.”
Alas, I don’t think I’m the only one in the midst of a Sriracha breakup. Who is the next condiment contender? Frank’s Red Hot?
4. The Coworker Breakup
You Gchatted gossip, aired your grievances at happy hour, and for a time, had the same exact outlook on the job.
While you both connected on a greater level, a lot of the intimacy definitely stemmed from bonding over your mutual situation. A promotion, new title, or departure from the company will always necessitate this breakup.
5. The Love At First Sight Breakup
That person you see on the street, a friend’s party, or at the bar, who gets you in a way that makes it clear what you should do — drop everything, and do whatever you can to have a shot at spending the rest of their life with them. Then, they do a second thing.
As a rule of thumb, it’s always good to create impossible expectations that have approximately zero chance of ever being met.
6. The Alcohol Breakup
For most people, not actually a breakup. More like that friend of yours who always talks about how he’s gonna break up with her girlfriend, and then never actually does. All filler, no killer.
7. The “I’ll Totally Make It In Like 3 Years” Breakup
The moment it hits that you if you want to satisfy all those grandiose dreams you’ve been eyeing since sophomore year of college, you’re gonna have to not have a life for approximately 8 years. And the work isn’t enough — it’s equally important to actually be good.
8. The Social Media Respect Breakup
For a good amount of time, this person was a breath of fresh air relative to the rest of your social feed; be it through humor, poignant observations, or interesting linkage, this person’s social media presence was one of the few you not only tolerated, but actually looked forward to.
Alas, as the career arc of Vincent Chase aptly demonstrates, nothing gold can stay. Clearly, that Facebook wizard never should’ve gotten that new girlfriend. Who cares that he’s now actually happy?
9. The Garden State Breakup
Turn 23, then rewatch a movie that you found incredibly deep, amazing, and influential at age 15. It may not strike you the same way. Gotta love Zachy Braff though.
10. The Lists About Being In Your 20s Breakup
At first, they spoke the truth about everything going on in your life. (Hence, them being consistently touted as “so true.”)
Then they became a bit pervasive, and the allure faded faster than that hometown hero high school kid who instantly becomes lame the second graduation ends. Painful for all involved.
Now, you have the occasional steamy fling — flings that sometimes make you hate yourself, but sometimes are…nice.