1. The Wannabe 32 Year-Old
In a relationship and/or “done” with the contemporary dating landscape, this person has no qualms letting you know that they are so over everything that everyone else their age considers fun — going to bars, traveling adventurously, loving bands that don’t even exist, etc.
As you’ve discovered, nothing gets them going quite like the word “mortgage.”
2. The Superior Couple
They only started day a year ago, but their relationship is better than every relationship that’s ever occurred.
You’re not sure whether to be jealous or feel bad for them.
3. The Premature Cat Lady
24, and in a committed relationship with her 2 cats — Felix and Jennifer Lawrence. A stereotype for a reason.
4. Podcast Pete
His father, AM/FM Alfred, used to garner all his self-worth from listening to the radio to and from work — far and away, the best part of his daily routine.
If only they had the Freakonomics podcast in his day…
5. World Traveler Wanda
Instead of settling for the 9-5 that she spent the first two years after college hating, she’s decided to travel the world and not be tied down by no man.
This, undeniably, makes her incredibly interesting and infinitely attractive. But you kinda get the point after the 2nd instagram.
6. The Retired Frat Guy
He’s swapped the backwards hats for the quarter-zip, and the beer pong prowess for an increasingly alarming interest in wine.
It’s only a matter of time until he moves in with his GF — the cause of his retirement.
7. The Borderline Alcoholic
He hasn’t done anything too destructive, but he’s got about 3 more years until it’s no longer socially acceptable to get this aggressive on a Tuesday.
You said that 3 years ago, but whatever.
8. Multiple Friend Groups Michelle
As college gets further and further in the rearview, the college friend group will slowly crumble; people will outgrow certain collegiate bonds, move to San Francisco, and feel the need to tell their college friends that no, they actually aren’t solely dependent on Liza’s pregame.
So goes the saga of Multiple Friend Group Michelle — forcing friendships with co-workers since ’06.
9. Frighteningly Jaded Jeremy
He’s only 25, but he knows for a fact that every single thing any company has ever done has been conducted purely out of self-interest — something that could be traced to the institutional evils of living in a capitalist society.
Worth it for the Facebook statuses.
10. The Now What? Couple
Meaning, they got married. It was a huge deal, given that they were the first in the friend group. In fact, the past 2 years were spent discussing their relationship, engagement affairs, and wedding events almost exclusively.
But five months after the wedding, and it’s all died down. Their recent housewarming party is even old news.
11. Started From The Bottom Now We’re [Promoted]
Apparently, all that’s required for sustained human happiness is an extra $5,000 and the word “associate.”
12. The Curveball
A mere three months ago, she had it all — the job, the boyfriend, and the ability to be judgmental and completely get away with it.
Now, all she’s got is a freakish amount of gift baskets.
13. Person Who Feels The Need To Tell You How Much They Read
When in contact with this person, a fun game to play is “count the amount of times he/she says the name Malcolm Gladwell.”
14. The Shared-Interest Couple
Be it running, going to raves, or cracking each other up with their super funny standup bits, this is the couple that is dating only because they love hot yoga more than they love each other.
Again, you’re not sure whether to be jealous or feel bad.
15. Craft Beer Cameron
Between the ages of 22-24, 33% of young males are affected by a nasty disease called “Craft Beer-icitis.” Symptoms include saying the word “stout”, expressing a strong desire to brew beer, and being overall pretty annoying.
By age 25, the virus generally reaches its most heightened phase. It is at this time the income vs. willingness to go to trendy areas of the city equilibrium is at its peak.
16. Bottomless Brunch Brenda
The further you get from 21, the increasingly allergic you become to grimy dance floors predicated on laughable makeouts. Brunch is the great equalizer — a good way to merge adulthood (eating things with Hollandaise) with rowdy youthness (drinking).
Every group has a Bottomless Brenda, admirably leading the charge. You need a Bottomless Brenda.
17. The Premature Health Nut
Watch as they liberally share internet articles that emphasize the word “cheat day.”
18. The “Just Hangin’ Out” Couple
They’ve been living together for years, but is it going anywhere? No one really knows.
But if one thing’s for certain, the rent situation is pretty awesome. More power to them.
19. Dream-Ditching Darryl
If your early 20s are about forcing your dreams down society’s throat, your mid-20s are for realizing that eating ramen for the next decade probably isn’t worth it. Sushi is pretty good. As is a mattress.
All brought to you by a mindless, relatively low-stress job that pays just enough.