They say friendship break-ups are worse than actual, romantic break-ups. What’s worse than friendship break-ups though is a friendship break-up with your best friend with whom you have fallen in love with.
Falling in love with one’s best friend is one of the trickiest situations one could find one’s self to be in. See this person is the same person you tell everything to. This person knows your dreams and the dirtiest secrets of your past. They know the financial problems your family are going through and the internal conflicts between aunts and uncles. This person stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to comfort you when you were still trying to get over your past love. This person was the one who constantly reminded you that to be happy, you need to sacrifice what you want for what you deserve. This person doesn’t only know you, they see you. This person was the one you brought along in family reunions and friends’ parties and they didn’t mind because they knew who they were – your best friend. But somehow, for some reason you’re not really bound to know or fully understand, you have fallen fast and hard for them.
You fall in love with the way they talk. You fall in love with how they say the phrase “which is” even if the phrase isn’t really beautiful or meaningful. You fall in love with their eyes, how they light up like neon lights when they talk about something they’re excited about. You fall in love with how they sleep, peaceful yet chaotic. You fall in love with their soul, the dreams which make them, the heartbreaks that mold them, the failures which motivate them. You fall in love with how they love you, how they constantly check up on you and make sure you’re ‘okay’. How they fetch you at four in the morning, drunk and falling over just to make sure you get home safe. You fall in love with how they love you, genuine and true.
And at first you thought you could keep it to yourself. At first you thought you could handle it, that you needn’t tell them because you know the feeling would eventually fade. You thought you could get over it but little did you know that you wouldn’t.
You start to feel possessive of them. Suddenly, you don’t like them talking to other people in the same way they talk to you. Suddenly, you feel unimportant when they choose to hang out with their friends because you expected they’d choose you… even if you didn’t really actually make plans. Suddenly you start feeling jealous of others, even if you knew these people even before. One day you wake up engulfed with jealousy, frustrations and disappointment. Suddenly, you find yourself picking fights for the shallowest reasons, if not for no reason at all. They’re probably confused and they probably don’t understand what the hell your problem is but they pacify you anyway. They’re probably getting a bit annoyed with your irrational clinginess and neediness but they’re there for you anyway. They’re probably at the verge of asking you what your deal is but they don’t. You’re best friends, they’ll think. You’re just going through some stuff, they’ll say.
But one day, you’ll wake up so full of all the feelings you have for your best friend and you won’t be able to keep them in anymore. You finally decide it’s time to tell them. Most often than not, falling for your best friend and telling them will cost you your friendship. Most often than not, it won’t be mutual. Most likely and it is highly likely that it would be unrequited. You sit there, frozen of embarrassment and pain and tears uncontrollably rolling down your cheeks. They try to reach for your hand but you pull away even before they could. You can’t risk them touching you at this extra vulnerable moment. They say they’re sorry that you’re hurting but you know it’s really not their fault. You want so bad to hug them because you know it’ll make you feel a bit better even for a moment but you know it’ll make it harder for you to leave if they do. You also say you’re sorry but they say you don’t need to be. You know they mean it but you’re just too embarrassed and hurt to actually believe so. You know you have stay away for a while because you can’t handle acting normal and being just friends with this person after what had just transpired. You can’t look them in the eyes and say you’re okay because you know you aren’t and you know you won’t be for a while. So you tell them you have to go away for a while and what scares you the most is that you know it won’t be for just a while.
It’s hard to break up with the best friend that you have fallen in love with because you lose two persons; the person you love and your person.