The day after my 27th birthday, I came to realize my life had changed immensely. Now officially in my “late 20s” and realizing everyone around me is a wife, a mom, or pretty damn close to it, I’ve had to say goodbye to a few things. Listen closely, and try not to be too depressed about it.
1. Everything bagels bathed in full fat cream cheese. It will immediately make your face fat. As a wise woman once said, eating a bagel is exactly like eating 7 pieces of bread…and I’m pretty sure that’s true.
2. Sure you can have a birthday but it’s only a day now. Not a week. Or a month. Ain’t nobody got time for your birth week.
3. Taking vacations “just because.” Kiss adventurous traveling goodbye at 27. The next few years are chock full of weddings and every dime you make will go towards plane tickets, wedding gifts, and clothes for said weddings. But they’re really fun. I promise.
4. Ignoring babies. Inevitably, the babies that come from these marriages also start screwing up your plans and your bank account. But you’re a bad friend if you ignore their births, baptisms, birthday parties, etc. Plus, they’re kinda cute, right?
5. Dancing at the bar until the lights come on and expecting to not be in bed until 3 PM the next day recovering.
6. Shopping at Forever21. 21 isn’t forever…you’re 6 years past that. Go to Ann Taylor and get over it.
7. H&M is done too, actually. Sorry.
8. Oh and Urban Outfitters.
9. Hair accessories. They’re for newborn babies.
10. Rainbow sandals. You’ve been wearing them since you were 15. It’s time to let them go.
11. Law school. I know you’re still thinking about it. It’s too late.
12. White dresses. Again, your life revolves around other people’s weddings so these are the only events you will attend. And somewhere in the last 5 years, a rule came about that the bride wears white to not only her wedding, but every shower, Bachelorette party, and engagement party; and if a guest dares to wear white too…they will be shunned.
13. Midnight movie showings. It’s not cute to be “totally with the tweens” anymore. Plus, you actually have to be on time for work tomorrow.
14. Speaking of work, you must be VERY serious about your career. No more “but I’m fresh out of college! I’m exploring my options!” You’re 5+ years out. Stop gchatting and figure it out.
15. Not having a hobby. I don’t care what it is – running, guitar, cooking, hiking – just get one so at adult parties when old adult people ask you what you do for fun, you don’t go “Uhhh…” (while your inner voice says: “All I do is day drink.”).
16. Old ratty bathing suits. Take that off. You look poor.
17. Boy bands. Everyone can see your Spotify “recently played” and you look like a pedophile.
18. Being a flake. No more backing out of plans. Be dependable. You’re almost 30 for crying out loud!
19. Fighting with your Mother. Haven’t you learned by now? She really is always right.
20. Watching MTV.
21. Holding grudges against your exes. It’s bad for your skin.
22. Not showering every day. You’re a grown woman and you can no longer get away with this. If you’re one of those mysterious girls who can go 7 days without washing her hair and look flawless, go for it. But wash that bod. Every day.
23. Themed Parties. Time to retire that toga!
24. Not watching the news. You need to know at least the bare minimum of what’s going on in the world whether it’s the latest political scandal, the healthcare bill, or where we are on finding that damn plane. Oh, and start thinking about where you might stand on these issues.
25. Approaching a guy to flirt and/or wingman for your best friend before taking a glance at his left hand. Trust me on this one.
26. Facebook albums. Your once daily Instagrams are more than enough.
27. Not working out. I know it sucks, but just do it. Every single day.