1. Take selfies every day. Or every other day. Or have more than 10% of your photos on any platform be pictures of photos of yourself….that you took yourself. It’s cringeworthy. And your real friends inform you of that before it gets out of hand.
2. Go on frequent rants about inconsequential things. A rant every now and then is something most people can handle. A rant every two hours about whatever the Internet decided to be angry about that week is unacceptable.
3. Post intimate details of your romantic relationship that you damn-well know will come back to haunt you. Yes, even if you and this person will spend the rest of your lives together or whatever. Moreover, you have to know at least half the likes you get are passive-aggressive obligatory likes.
4. Go on essay-length political rants talking about issues they know are divisive. And then inevitably get into some sort of hard-to-watch Internet fight which always concludes with them deciding something along the lines of, “Everyone who doesn’t agree with me is an ass-hat!”
5. Go on emotional benders about someone who you were crushing on, or briefly dated, and then tell the whole world why things didn’t work out. Seriously now, save the drama for the theater. If you have a problem with someone, tell them. Not 2470 of your “closest friends.”
6. Post, or have anything whatsoever to do with that overused, redundant, completely pointless Marilyn Monroe quote. “I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure….” I’m not even going to finish it. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re the friend nobody likes, post this quote and if none of your friends call you out on it, welp, there’s your answer.
7. Constantly post “romantic” notes to their significant other’s Facebook wall. Few things lead to more second-hand embarrassment from everyone who has the unfortunate pleasure of seeing this pop up on their News Feed. It’s not cute, it’s cringey.
8. Post embarrassing song lyrics that everyone absolutely knows explain your emotions right now. Hey, we’ve all been there and it’s acceptable if you are currently younger than the drinking age. If you’re older than the drinking age, please just grab a glass of wine, put your Spotify on private as you listen to that “Heartbreak” playlist, like the rest of us respectable adults.
9. Weekly pictures of the following: You at the gym. You on a run. You with a caption of something that reminds you of the weather. Sunsets. Sunrises. You with any of the following hashtags: #soblessed #yolo #swag #lovehim #loveher. Here’s a # for you: #STOP.
10. Religiously participating in ALL of the following days: #MCM #TransformationTuesday #WCW #TBT and #FBF. I assure you everybody is #SMH’ing at you. And if this has been going on for a while, your real friends are contemplating a digital intervention. Trust.
11. Having joined accounts on any social media platform with a significant other. If you’ve been losing friends and acquaintances ever since you decided to get one of these, this is the reason. Friends don’t let friends commit this cardinal sin of digital media. And they would rather leave you behind than continue in this failed friendship.
12. Photos with you making the duckface. Come on, these are the last days of 2014. If your friends are still letting you do this in pictures, please take some time away from them and re-evaluate everything. With friends like that, rest assured, you do not need enemies.