14 Essential Signs You’re Dating Someone Who’s Socially Selective


1. You text them spontaneously about coming to meet you and your friends for drinks or food and their immediate response is, “So, who’s all there?” They always want to know who’s going to be there before they show up so they can either politely decline and suggest hanging out one on one later or mentally prepare for a group outing with people they might not know so well.

2. They have no problem doing things on their own if you can’t join them. They might actually even prefer the extra alone time. Things like going to the movies by themselves or hanging at a coffee shop alone is one of their favorite ways to spend their time and just recharge a little bit more.

3. Even if they’re selective about who they spend their time with and usually say no to plans with people they aren’t comfortable with they get a little bit hurt if they aren’t invited out. It might seem contradictory and a bit selfish but it’s just the point of it all – they want to feel included and important enough to be asked to hang out, even if there’s a great chance they’ll say no. Why do they do this? Because you might get them on the off day they’re actually dying to get out of the house or whatever the event or activity is might seem appealing at the moment you ask.

4. Small social activities that might seem like no big deal to you might be a huge deal to them. Things like inviting extra people out for a night you two had plans to get drinks together and not discussing it beforehand or something as seemingly simple as calling somewhere to order delivery. Socially selective people can get anxiety about small social moments and it’s just an important thing to keep in mind when they seem to get upset about something you didn’t realize was an issue.

5. You’re always the one who leads the conversation in social settings. When people ask how long you two have been dating or what you guys have been up to you typically take the lead and answer the questions. Your significant other has no problem with this and actually feels a sense of relief when you take control of these moments.

6. They have just a few close friends and they’ve probably been tight with those people for forever. Socially selective people are more interested in building deep relationships with a small amount of people as opposed to making a ton of acquaintances they rarely engage with on a personal level. They’re never the type to go out with groups of different people every weekend. It’s just not their style.

7. They skipped out on prom, homecoming dance, or any of those other moments growing up that were basically like a rite of passage. Those moments seemed terrifying, tedious, or a mix of both. They wanted nothing to do with them.

8. They need a game plan for an exit strategy when you head out to a party or event. Even though they really didn’t want to attend your best friend from college’s birthday party they know it’s important that they be there for you. So you compromise on length of time you’ll stay at the party, the excuse you guys will use to ditch out, and lay out the details on who you think will there or what will be talked about. OR you guys just agree it’s cool if they’re only there for a bit of time while you close the place out and you two meet up later.

9. Your friends have asked if your significant other likes them because of how little they’re around when you all hang out. Or they make comments about how shy or quiet they are. You always feel a little protective and defensive during these moments. They’re actually not that shy or quiet!! They just aren’t super warm and open to people they don’t know that well.

10. They find contentment in your relationship by doing quiet activities together. So things like sitting in the same room while you’re both reading or working on your laptops is honestly one of the best ways to bond. It’s a quiet, relaxing moment you both can share.

11. They give you a heads up when they need to be alone. Sometimes they disappear for a few days and when you ask what they were doing they say “nothing.” For most people you might think this seems totally sketchy and like b.s. but no, the truth is they were actually doing nothing. At most they were probably at home chilling out with a book or Netflix and needed some time to just be on their own.

12. When you guys order delivery or there’s a UPS person walking up to your door they prefer you be the one to deal with it. They’d rather have you sign the receipt, make the small talk, deal with another human for the minute or two they’re at the door.

13. They’re more prone to travel alone than with friends or sometimes even you. If they’re a traveler chances are they often prefer to be on their own than with anyone else. The reason for this is because they like to make their own rules and go by their own itinerary on the road and join up with other travelers when they need that social atmosphere. They’ll take trips with you too, of course, but don’t be offended if they want to go on a weekend backpacking trip by themselves.

14. One of the worst things you can do is leave them alone with someone they don’t know while you run to the bathroom. Of course, you can do this, but small talk seriously pains them and they’re counting every second until you can get back and alleviate the conversation. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Former senior staff writer and producer at Thought Catalog.

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