This Is Me Finally Letting Go Of The Idea Of Us

Christiana Rivers

It doesn’t seem too long ago that we weren’t just an idea. But reality. At least some fantasy I wanted to see become reality. That’s what I held onto. Every false promise. Every false lead. Letting go so easily, every time you disappointed me or let me down because I thought just maybe if I loved you hard enough or tried hard enough maybe you’d realize what I saw from the beginning.

We were a stream of trial and error. Running in these circles. Coming in and out of each other’s lives and I thought it was a sign. A sign that we found our way back to each other every time. No matter what happened we always found our way again. No matter how we might have hurt each other or let each other down. And no matter how wrong we might have been for each other, neither of us could deny the fact that there was something stronger there. A force greater than both of us.

I was pompous to think our history and a past I couldn’t let go of entitled me to your future. But I wanted it to be you. God damn, I wanted it to be you.

And as much as we grew up and grew apart over the years, we carried pieces of each other in every new version of ourselves we became.

We carried pieces of each other in every new place and in every new person we met. And in everyone we ever loved, the foundation first was the love we found in each other, even though we couldn’t define it really.

It’s hard to make sense of the love you have for another person when you’re still trying to figure out how to love yourself.

But we saw every worst version of each other. We lived through every horrible thing we couldn’t explain and the only thing that ever made sense in any of it was each other and the fact no matter what happened, we’d eventually find our way again.

The words I love you weren’t said because you meant it, I think we were each looking for someone to love you. I think we were looking to fill unexplainable voids. My love came free and easy not hard to won over. In both of our lives, we learned a hard lesson in love that sometimes the love we deserve from people we don’t get.

So we turned to each other. And it was in one another we learned about the cracks and scars that made us exactly who we were. And it was that understanding and lack of judgment that made us who we became after all of it. Not to be defined by circumstance but rather who we chose to be.

Both our hearts felt a little too deeply in a world that left us disappointed. We both became jaded and guarded and fearful not of love but of finding it and losing it.

I think sometimes we hurt each other because of the pain others caused us. I think sometimes we blamed each other for things that weren’t the other’s ownership to claim.

Moments where we each needed someone to hate and we loved each other enough, so that’s where it fell.

But I think we also like testing each other. There’s something comforting about knowing someone will always be there loving you regardless how you act.

We were a nice idea.

And there are still times I think back believing in it. Believing in us. When you swore to me we’d be together and we’d get it right. Of the things, I was uncertain of, I believed in you and the us I wanted so badly.

But then I got to realize that’s all it was, an idea that seemed nice.

I came to this cold realization as I went to the same place that used to be ours. I went so often alone it became my own but every time I went back I still saw the younger versions of ourselves. Ones who believed in each other.

There are some things you don’t know how to let go of and the idea of us was one I held onto so tightly.

I’ve never looked at someone so confidently and sure. My friends watched me self-destruct believing in something that was only an idea.

Because with you, I thought I’d be safe and secure and taken care of. I tried so desperately to play the role of what you needed in someone while what I needed was security.

If only we could get there first. If only every star aligned the way it should have and we were both in the same place at the same time emotionally ready to jump into this thing.

But we never found that. Instead, we found every reason to continue prolonging it.

We always found each other between relationships and heartbreak and trying to healing but we were never in the places, physically mentally and emotionally that we needed to be in to take that next step.

I always thought I was ready for you. But when you try and force someone to be what you need rather than what they are, you’ll be left in states of resentment. Maybe you never resented me but I couldn’t make you the person I knew you’d one day become no matter what I did or how hard I tried.

I still remember the night you told me there was someone else. I didn’t think much of it because of how many people we’ve seen come and go. But this time it was different. This time it was real.

And while she lived the life with you I only ever dreamed of, I still sat waiting, hoping, wishing just maybe it could still be me.

It seems everyone else has moved in with their lives. Every person we ever dated or were interested in, found someone to be their forever. And here I was alone.

Uncertain if I was to blame because I would have never given up on you if you hadn’t given up on me first.

But this is me choosing to let go of the idea of us. Because that’s all it ever was.

Sometimes I wonder if you really believed I could have been the one for you. Sometimes I want to ask do you ever look at her and wonder about me? Sometimes I wonder if any of this was real or just a feeling I liked to hold onto?

This is me letting go of the idea of us because I deserve to be more than just an idea. I deserve to not have to wait for when someone might be ready based on circumstance. I deserve a love that believes in me the same way I believed in you.

I just wonder if I’ll ever believe in someone that much again. Sometimes I wonder if I want to.

This is me letting go of the idea of us. And forgiving myself for getting so lost in someone I lost myself.

I think part of me will always love you and value you what we had even if I don’t know what that is really.

But this is me letting go of the idea of us because you did the second she walked into your life. I just hope I meet someone who can do that for me. Someone who will teach me that letting go is the first step to holding to something and someone real. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer living in Hoboken, NJ with my 2 dogs.

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