Thought Catalog

You Used To Care

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Caring
God & Man

You used to call me back immediately even if it was just a butt dial I didn’t intend for.

You used to answer texts so quickly I never questioned it.

You used to blow up my phone and newsfeed. Your name was always my favorite to see.

Your compliments were always genuine and sometimes I wondered if you noticed me blushing.

Most guys wouldn’t notice something so small like me doing my hair differently or changing my makeup or if I dressed differently.

You used to invite me places and always be on time.

You used to be every text in the morning and my favorite way to start a day.

I knew in those moments to be grateful. Something in me could feel this would end. How sad it is to live in a moment you know you are going to miss so you cling as tightly to it as you can hoping it could last just a bit longer.

You used to meet me completely halfway that I never had to try.

You used to say thank you and actually be grateful and surprised and what seemed like happy every time I did something.

You used to love me.

Then suddenly there was a shift.

You stopped saying thank you and started expecting things.

When things were reciprocated it wasn’t out of being genuine but rather a sense of obligation like you had to.

You stopped answering quickly then it turned into not at all.

I sat there fumbling to find words in hopes you’d respond.

I sat there staring at my phone that was supposed to connect us but it made me feel more distant.

And I look back at the past hoping maybe I’ll find something there. A reason for a shift or a change.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve begun to annoy you.

And as much as I want to try harder I don’t want to push you further away than you already are.

So I stay mute hoping in this silence you’ll miss like I have you, even when you’re standing right next to me. The truth is it hurts like hell missing the ghost of who someone used to be.

You used to tell me everything. These days it feels like I’m missing something. Like I’m out of the loop.

So I try a little too hard and overcompensate hoping maybe you notice.

I dress up a little more hoping to feel a little less invisible.

I’m tiptoeing and walking on eggshells because I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

But it almost feels like no matter what move I make it’ll always be something that makes you unhappy.

You used to care and I don’t know how to get back to that place.

All I can do is hold onto a hope that’s fading. And maybe when you find yourself again, it’ll be there you find your way to me again. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

But Before You Leave

“Losing you would be like losing part of me, only it’d be losing the best part of me.”

“Even if your voice is shaking, never stop asking for what you want.”

Kirsten’s writings really touch me. It’s like all the things I have ever thought of or wanted to say are expressed through her writing. I resonate with so much of it. It’s so deeply touching, moving, raw and just plain real. There were times reading I teared up because something said just went straight to my heart. I think I honestly highlighted almost the whole book! —Elizabeth

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Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

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