After sleepless nights of wondering what I did wrong eventually you stopped consuming me and keeping me up. Eventually, I began to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and put it back together despite not knowing what happened or how we got to where we were when it ended.
The toughest goodbyes are the ones that go unexplained.
The toughest goodbyes are the ones where you have to get closure within yourself because the other person doesn’t care to give it to you.
And I moved on as best I could. But I still thought of you. I thought of you every time I went left instead of right where I used to pull into your block. I thought of you every time I walked past the bench that we spent hours talking. I thought of you every time I’d meet someone and I wished they were you because that instant connection was in fact too good to be true but something I thought was real. And I thought of you every time I passed the cafe in town that I waited an hour for you to show up at.
You were still thoughts that came and went soon to be forgotten. But the reminder of yet another story that didn’t turn out right while I questioned what I did wrong.
Running through details of moments wishing I didn’t say or do that became a tiring game of living in the past.
And just when I began to forget you as I held the hand of another, I felt my phone go off in my pocket and your name appeared.
How quickly I was taken back to everything. And an apology in an attempt to make you seem decent sounded like you were trying to cover your own ass. There was no explaining it even when you tried and yes I did deserve better. I know it wasn’t right. And as much as I wanted to run back to you and forgive you for everything, I put my phone down and looked at someone who hadn’t hurt me yet.
And an apology I waited so long for didn’t give me the comfort or closure I thought it would. Instead, it just became words I heard again too late.
You became just another story that didn’t end how I wanted and another reason to not trust the person that came next.
But I wasn’t going to let you be the reason I don’t trust someone in my future.
I wasn’t going to let your lack of love be the reason I don’t believe in it.
The way I saw it was the best thing I could do was continue to trust people as I had you. Continue to love people as I had you. Continue to give my best in hopes that maybe the next person would realize the value in that and not let it scare them.
Because the truth was I knew what I had to offer scared you.
I knew maybe you weren’t ready for someone like me.
And while I appreciate the apology, I think I’d appreciate more someone who doesn’t need to say sorry in the first place.