Sometimes I’d love to just lay it all out on the line, what someone is signing up for before becoming my friend. This is what you’re getting into and I understand if it’s too much to handle.
At first, you’re going to be really impressed with how I have it all together, so it seems. Every to-do list. Every goal list. How I’m always doing something and need to stay busy. The truth is that’s how I’m wired. When I’m busy I’m not overthinking. I’m not dwelling on the past or worried about the future.
I’m constantly making up scenarios in my mind as my mind plays some trick on me telling me multiple things I can’t process. My mind does not shut off ever. It’s exhausting.
The truth is there’s a lot of things you won’t notice it at first.
You won’t notice how much I overthink things because not everything I think comes out of my mouth. You won’t notice how often I overanalyze details.
You won’t notice the stream of questions that go through my mind or the moments I doubt you. Those moments I wonder if you’re lying even though you gave me no reason to suspect that. It’s just the way my mind works.
At first, you’ll simply wonder why I’m not sleeping without realizing something happened that day and it’s been on my mind all day. At first, you won’t realize every irrational fear and worry. What you will notice is how quickly I answer texts or how I always show up on time and follow through with plans.
As you get to know me even then I’ll try and conceal this thing I hate about myself.
You’ll begin to see texts becoming longer and returning to your phone with more than one. You’ll listen as I overanalyze an event and try and see it from many different perspectives.
You’ll notice how long it takes me to make a decision because I fear making the wrong one. You’ll listen as I read texts out loud and ask “does that sound okay?” You’ll soon get the screenshots of conversations as I wonder what it means. Because in my mind nothing is ever what it seems.
As we talk and engage in conversation more and more you’ll notice how one-word texts really annoy me.
You’ll notice how painfully honest I am because I want the same from you. I want you to tell me when I’ve done something wrong. I want you to tell me to tone it down a notch or two. But more than that I want you to tell me it’s okay.
As I get more comfortable with you, you’ll notice exactly how much anxiety and overthinking affect my everyday life.
You’ll notice how I’m always the one to make plans and organizing things. The root of it isn’t the want and need to be a control freak but I can’t control this thing in my life so I try and control other things.
You’ll see us go out and what will seem like a great time as we throw back shots laughing quickly turns into a moral hangover of my apologizing for whatever I said or did I don’t remember. You’ll notice more than one miss call. And in my mind, I’ll think you’re mad at me.
If ever we do fight I’ll be the first to apologize because I hate not addressing things. I will always want to talk things out and try and fix things.
People who overthink are fixers. It’s a good and bad thing because sometimes we want to fix things that aren’t even a problem, to begin with.
If I could give anyone advice about being friends with an over thinker I’d say explain things even if it’s little and it doesn’t seem like much, it might mean a lot to us.
Listen. Listening will help you understand why we are the way we are. To you, it might not seem like much but sometimes just listening is everything.
This is how I came to this conclusion. This is why I think this. And I might be completely wrong with the conclusion I’ve drawn but that’s what is bothering me. And I need you to tell me it’s okay. I need you to tell me you’re not going anywhere despite any mistake I’ve made.
Try and answer quickly. Delays in responses or going days without speaking will lead us to analyze things from years ago, we are going to think you’re mad about. We’ll pull every skeleton from any closet to get to the bottom of this.
Every situation in my mind always leads to the same road of something I’ve done wrong and something I need to apologize for.
It always leads to the worst case scenario of zero to a hundred.
The honest truth is I over think things because I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want people to leave. And while I don’t want to come across as clingy or needy, the people I choose to have in my life I truly value.
So it’ll come in the form of thank yous and apologies that might not be necessary. But just take it all with a grain of salt.
Because if you can deal with this and help me learn to live with it, what you’ll get in return is someone who loves you unconditionally. Someone who will be loyal to you until the end. Someone who will drop anything when you need me to. You’ll get someone who is always honest with you and will tell you things like they are. But more than that, you’ll get someone who truly does care about you and wants you to be apart of their life and will do anything to show you your value.
I’m not easy but I like to think I’m worth it. Because I can’t control the way my mind works but what I can control is showing appreciation for the people who choose to stay.