The odds are that at some point in life, we will face the inevitable; struggles, challenges, self-doubt, and our sinking self-image and confidence. Trying hard to keep all the balls up in the air, we’ll look for anything that can eliminate all the worries and magically turn our lives upside-down in a good way. Some try to fix themselves by finding the right job or the right hobby, while some chase the one and only that they believe will be the end of all their sorrows. Unsurprisingly, the best fit of job choice won’t fix you, nor a newfound hobby, not a person. Nope, not even The One.
None of these things will magically turn your life into the fairytale that you have hoped for. Yes, it may enrich your soul and certain aspects of your life, but fix it? Not even one bit.
It might feel like your life has been fixed just because you are being distracted for a while, but it doesn’t mean the burdens deep within you have just disappeared. It doesn’t mean that you suddenly know how to cope with your fears or know how to apply that in your everyday life.
Don’t confuse yourself with thoughts that the one can fix you when the most they can do is to walk beside your demons and do the best they can to protect you from them. The truth is, they can’t touch them even though they want to. They can’t destroy them, even though they want to do so badly. Finding the one won’t fix you.
They can’t, simply because it isn’t their problem to fix. It’s yours and yours only.
What they can do instead? The special ones in our life can carve out peaceful spaces between our chaotic messiness. They can make us forget our self-hatred for a little while when they embrace us without a second thought, when they look into our eyes as if we are the most beautiful view that they have witnessed. They can make our stomachs ache from intense laughter instead of the ache we feel in our empty hearts when we feel nothing without them. They will be there for us, but they can’t fix us. Period.
We are only able to begin healing when we erase all external factors as options to fix ourselves. Once again, a job is not an option. A hobby is not an option. A soulmate is not an option either. These are all external factors that we need to depend on if we want to begin our healing journey.
And the tricky thing is, external factors are always temporary and rarely secure in the long run.
If your own groundwork is based only on external factors, your sense of your own whole existence would disappear in a heartbeat when those same external factors disappear, leaving you questioning who the hell you actually are and what you stand for without that certain person or certain job.
On the other hand, internal factors are always solid and most reliable in the long run.
It is solid in the sense that you will always be there. Even on the worst days where you can’t seem to show up, you are still physically and mentally here, aware of your own presence and mind. The only person you can’t run away from is yourself. You can hide and distract yourself as much as you want, but at the end of the day, you have the upper hand to change the course of your life.
You are the only one aware and knowing how it feels to be you.
Tune in to your norms and values and live according to it.
Align your norms with your values.
For example, if one of your desired values is honesty, make sure that your actions show that too. It doesn’t have to be drastic changes all at once. Begin small and start to implement it in everyday life by being honest with your words and actions. Start an authentic conversation with a stranger or buy ‘’honest’’ food that is produced as it should be instead of food that is harming the environment and the communities that are involved with it. Gradually, you will get in tune with yourself when you practice enough actions that align with your deepest norms and values, thus gaining more self-confidence and less doubt towards yourself.
When it is hard to recognize what your norms and values are, seek those you believe in and ask yourself why you believe in them. Those same traits that made you believe in them often reveal your own norms and values.
Once again, chasing and depending on external factors won’t fix you, but getting to know your own norms and values will get you to the right path when you act according to it.