1. Michael, 22
Time after which you feel drunk enough to give him your number: 2:35am.
Are you into the beard?: No.
Likelihood of finding him smoking a cigarette outside when the bar closes: Really high.
First guess at his overall personality from this one conversation: One Of Those Guys Who Hasn’t Been Told He’s Not Funny.
2. Seth, 24
Hours you’re willing to spend talking to him: Until closing time.
Sense of humor: Self-deprecating.
Political Correctness: He didn’t ask “No, but like, where are you really from?” after you said you grew up in the midwest.
Why he has 4 stars: He looks like he brought weed with him.
Why he doesn’t have 5 stars: His friends are idiots.
Drink: Gin and tonic (but he doesn’t drink it out of the straw).
3. Aaron and Nick, look underaged, but probably 20-somethings
1/5 stars each, 2/5 stars total
Hours spent listening to them talk about themselves: 3—not including time spent during your multiple fake bathroom trips.
Are Nick’s glasses real?: No.
Do they both check out other girls while talking to you?: Yup.
Drink: Bottled Bud Light.
Why are they rated together?: Aaron and Nick are inseparable wingmen bros to each other—so when you meet them, their introduction sounds like one long name: “Hi, we’re AaronandNick.”
4. Wesley, 23
First thing you noticed about him: It was 10pm and he had already sweat through his Brooks Brothers Non-Iron Madison Fit Windowpane Dress Shirt.
How did you know the specific name of his shirt?: He told you immediately.
Drink: Tequila shots, abandoned beers left on the bar.
Conversation topics: Private equity, the last time he was crossfaded, why you should smile more.
Why he doesn’t have 0/5 stars: He put four of his business cards in the fishbowl to win a free happy hour and promised you were invited if he won.
5. Jason, mid-40s
Do you think he’s aware he was in high school when you were born?: Mmh, for sure.
Drink: Whiskey (but he cringes slightly every time he takes a sip).
His go-to pick up line: Something about how you seem like an old soul.
Interests: Rock climbing, reading books about Teddy Roosevelt. End of list.
Positives: Tipped the bartender really well.
6. Luke, early-30s.
Profession: Wants to do something creative, is currently doing something not creative.
Does he have his own car?: Yes.
Fatal flaw: He’s still using a cracked iPhone 4.
Questionable outfit decision: Wearing his sunglasses on the top of his head despite being inside a dark bar.
Drink: Whatever you’re drinking.