If The 6 Most Popular Dating Apps Were Guys You Were Actually Dating

Scott Webb
Scott Webb

1. Tinder recently Instagrammed a photo of himself holding a dog in a meadow somewhere. He hates it when girls talk about their zodiac signs, but he’s in tune with what Myers-Briggs personalities are compatible with his. He claims he’s “bad at texting,” but is really eager and fluent in Emojis when it’s later than 12:45am. He justifies never catching onto your sarcasm about going to see him play in his band as a function of never really “getting” Seinfeld.

2. Bumble calls his mother once a week—says he’s great with parents. He has never taken (or at least never posted) a mirror selfie or a photo with his shirt off. He prefers bicycles over motorcycles, loose leaf tea over coffee, and wishes it were socially acceptable for him to never wear shoes. He doesn’t own any shirts with prints on them, looks pretty good in baseball pants, has watched every World War II documentary on Netflix, and once ended a friendship with a guy because his favorite show was Entourage. Not afraid to call himself a feminist, but sometimes does get a little overzealous proving himself as one.

3. Coffee Meets Bagel wears fake glasses because he thinks they make him look less threatening and more intelligent. In reality, he’s never actually read a book for leisure before in his life, but he has great taste in movies. He’s gluten-free by choice, which is ironic considering half the name of the dating app you met on is “Bagel.” He’s probably the only person you know who actually knows how to use Microsoft Excel. The only photo album he’s uploaded to Facebook is titled “Hiking 2013” and consists of photos of him standing near waterfalls with his arms open wide above his head.

4. OkCupid says he’s your age, but his cultural references are just ever-so-slightly irrelevant. He only orders whiskey at bars, but you always catch him sneaking sips of whatever you’re drinking when he thinks you aren’t looking. He wears a baseball hat all the time, which you were totally cool with at first, but now you find yourself wondering where his hairline begins. He actually pays for his Netflix, Hulu, and HBO GO accounts—a major sign that he’s a functioning adult—but weirdly he’s never seen Narcos or The Sopranos, so you aren’t exactly sure what he’s been doing in his free time.

5. You actually had no idea what Grindr genuinely looked like until you met up with him. Up until that point, you only knew he had a six pack and someone he lived with used Old Spice deodorant. Grindr is exciting and aggressive—although he definitely lied about his height on his profile. His LinkedIn photo is the same, shirtless one from his Facebook profile. And although Grindr acts tough (and does shit like ask you on a date to the gym at 10pm), he also forwards you videos of baby animals learning to walk for the first time.

6. Match prefers ordering food in instead of going out—which you thought was cute and maybe a touch romantic at first. His favorite weather is overcast and he has a pretty obscene amount of Instagram photos showing him posing in front of various brick walls and pieces of street art. He can’t cook to save his life, sleeps in until 10am everyday, and his favorite song of all time is “In Too Deep” by Sum 41—a fact you try not to dwell on too long. When he goes home to visit his parents, he sleeps on the top bunk of his childhood bunk bed that he still shares with his younger brother. He knows how to play squash, can honestly pull off any haircut, and is the only guy you know who isn’t, and hasn’t ever been, into cars. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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