The first few dates were great,
Conversations filled with laughter,
But then we had sex,
And you washed my hair right after.
I thought I could like you,
But now I know you’re a total chump,
Since you’re totally serious,
About voting for Donald Trump.
Your glasses won me over,
I really must confess,
But it ruined it for me,
That you got them at CVS.
I thought I was The One,
But now I feel pretty stupid,
Since I know about your exploits,
On Tinder, Match, and OkCupid.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This isn’t working out, though,
And it’s not me, really, it’s you.
The sun is yellow,
The sky is blue,
The first few months were fun,
But I’m bored to death by you.
You said you were chill,
But you’re a total fucking liar,
If you keep asking who I’m texting,
I’ll set my hair on fire.
I need to be straightforward,
Cause you’re a pretty decent guy.
You waste space on my DVR,
And that makes me want to cry.
You said you wanted to date me,
And I thought you knew the drill,
But you ghosted twice this week,
Then texted: “Netflix and chill?”
I asked you repeatedly,
To prove you give a damn,
But I caught you redhanded
Liking your ex’s Instagram.
You never wanted me coming over,
And there was a reason, clearly.
You never change your sheets,
And you watch The Big Bang Theory.
You used to be a sweetheart,
Always calling on the phone,
But you became a serious asshole,
Once I plucked you from the friend zone.
You’re really fucking cheap,
For reasons totally invalid,
So bounce and let me pay the check,
Cause I don’t want another salad.
I wasn’t expecting a lot,
But don’t give me that look,
How is it even possible,
That you’ve never read a book?
Winter winds are chilly,
Summer breezes are hot
I can’t say I don’t care,
That you smoke so much pot.