7 Things Every Guy Should Just Assume His Lady Friend’s Friends Know About Him

hillary the mammal
hillary the mammal

Women, generally, are communicative creatures. For the most part, we thrive on sharing and outpourings. And yeah, if we have a boyfriend, we’re going to talk about him. Damnit, if we even slept with someone once we’re going to recount it to our friends in all the most gruesome, intimate details. So if you’ve been with a woman in any capacity, here are the things you can expect that all her friends know about you.

1. Absolutely Everything About Your Dick

Size, girth, which direction in points, what color it is, how much you cum–you name it, we’ve told it. Generally this discussion with one’s girlfriends involves a lot of explanatory hand gestures too.

2. What Your Vinegar Strokes Look Like

Generally, we don’t tell details like this about our boyfriends, but if you were a casual fling or a one night stand and had a particularly interesting cum face or sound, rest assured there is a group of women you’ve never slept with before that know exactly what that would look like.

3. When You Cry

I am like Liz Lemon when it comes to men crying–“There, there. Don’t be cry”–and I think from the experiences of my friends, none of us are really ever expecting a guy to cry outside of a huge life trauma. So when you cry over something quite innocuous, we’re probably going to tell our friends, but don’t worry–it makes you look sweeter, and all the girls go, “Awwwww!” Unless of course you’re crying over spilled milk on a regular basis. In that case you’re a pussy.

4. The First Time You Say “I Love You”

The first time you tell a girl you love her, she’s going to tell all her friends over drinks, and they’re all going to squeal and coo and hug, and it’s going to be as wonderful a moment as the moment when you told her. Then the girls will all ask questions like “Did he look into your eyes?” “Did you cry?” “What was the kiss like after?” and all questions will be answered as though an official historical transcript of that moment was being drawn up.

5. Your Exact Thoughts On Period Sex

And we will GLOAT if we happen to land a guy that is chill with it.

6. Your Most Annoying Quality

No matter how much your woman loves you, you definitely do something on the regular that pisses her off (and I’m sure that works both ways). Whether it’s a big thing like the way you handle yourself in a disagreement or a little thing like these horrible socks you insist on wearing, all your girlfriend’s friends have the inside gossip, and they will give each other knowing looks when you display your annoying trait in their presence.

7. How You Relate To Your Mother

I am terrified of mothers and sisters. Mostly because I know how judgmental (and if not judgmental, prying and opinionated) my mother and I are of my brothers and their romantic choices. Your relationship to your mother is really important to a lot of women–mostly because no one wants to date a mummy’s boy. This is something we’re prone to over analyze with our friends. TC mark

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