Thought Catalog

The Secret Lives Of Girls (The Things I Do That You Don't Want To Know I Do)

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“You’ve ruined the illusion of femininity for me!” he proclaimed, swaying slightly under the vodka shots. He reiterated it again to me, days later, completely sober.

I figured my friend shouldn’t be alone in destitution, so now I’m going to ruin “the illusion of femininity” for you all (except for you women who are already in on our dirty little secrets). We don’t shit rainbows. Our bodily fluids aren’t made up of sparkling candy soda. We don’t eat dewdrops and fairy dust. And not all of us like puppies.

I poop. I poop a lot—today I have already pooped twice. I love the feeling of pooping and I’m completely engaged with my poop—I wipe and inspect. I’m not going to pretend to think I’m unique in this—all my girl friends do the same. We even sit around from time to time (if from time to time means everyday) and discuss our poop.

You think that’s gross, right? Well, I don’t. I don’t think there’s anything particularly gross about one of our most natural bodily functions (I mean, unless you’re eating it or wearing it as a hat or something); everyone poops. And being aware of it is a way for me to keep up with my body. Is my poop a wet runny mess sputtering out of my ass? Yep, I’m dehydrated; need to drink more water! Is it bright yellow? Woops ate something bad, or I need to pre-empt this cold and down the vitamins! Is it sort of maroon-ish? Those beets really did a number on staining my intestines—what a curiosity!

Girls also poop in front of each other. My girl friends and I joke (but really we’re completely serious) that we’re not real friends until we’ve shared a poop. Girls also poop when they need to poop. I’ll poop in the toilets at a bar or a club or a cinema or wherever—when you’ve got to go you’ve got to go. I’ve got girl friends that have pooped in the ocean (I really want to do it; apparently it feels really weird) and just on the ground in a natural environment, like the bush.

We fart too, and as the saying goes, everybody loves the smell of their own brand. Except period farts—even girls don’t like the smell of those.

I also burp. I can burp the alphabet. Most girls know that burping is a great way to clear more room in your tummy when you’re starting to feel full but want to continue eating—most girls also like to eat until they feel sick. I’m the kind of girl that really loves eating (there’s a contingent of girls out there who really love eating but are championing the illusion that they don’t. Ever taken a girl out on a date and she orders some sort of trendy salad with kale or walnuts? Bitch is just waiting to ditch you so she can go to White Castle on her way home and scarf a cheeseburger. See now I’m lying—she’s going to inhale at least 2 burgers and a large fries), and I’ll eat anything. And I mean anything.

Once, starving and salivating, I purchased a tuna sandwich from a deli in Soho. Walking down Broadway stuffing one half in my mouth, mayonnaise smeared across my cheek, I accidentally dropped the other half. It fell open on the pavement. I cursed loudly, and the hoards of people walking past me were staring. “God damn it,” I said extra loud, making sure everyone around me could hear, “I guess I’ll just have to throw this out now.” I bent down and dramatically scooped up the fallen sandwich.

Like Gollum I scurried around a corner, hunched over my mangled sandwich, carefully put the two sides back together and took a huge bite. Three bites later my floor sandwich was all gone. What, I was hungry? And you all know I’m not the only one who’s eaten food off of the ground—in my experience girls will do all sorts of nasty shit just to get a feed.

I know you probably think I’m some kind of uniquely filthy, completely nasty bitch, but I’m not. Just because I like picking the wax out of my ears and rolling it into little balls, or because I spend an equal amount of time picking my nose and hoping that a little hair will come out attached to the snot. Just because I sleep with my hand down my pants and drool on the pillow, or because sometimes I pass out with a flattened chip stuck to my cheek, only to wake up and eat it. Just because sometimes I get my period and I don’t have immediate access to sanitary products so I stuff my knickers with toilet paper.

Here’s the part where I go and ruin everything for you—all the girls, every single one, ESPECIALLY the ones who tell you they don’t fart or WORSE, never even say the word—we all do filthy shit, all the time, and it’s all the same. Crap comes out of all our butts, period comes out of all our vaginas, gas comes out of all our pretty little orifices that seem so sensual to you, and we all have a skeleton in the closet that’s done something completely feral in the name of food. Oh, and if you want us to like you, for the love of God let us squeeze your back pimples—girls love squeezing stuff. TC mark

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    • Gus

      nothing new to us men. we’ve known all your filthy secrets since the day adam boned eve.

      girls raped and killed chivalry. it ain’t our fault.

      • Guest

        who cares

        • GUS

          apparently you care enough to have actually commented. #indifferencefail

    • http://twitter.com/Dravenport Ian Derbyshire

      goddamn it Kat

    • Eckhart

      you´re just full of shit.. 

      • Katgeorge

        Acctually I really am! I have to go AGAIN, goddamn it!

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      I am shocked and furious at the publication of this article.

      • Catt

        Because it says fart in it? FART FART FART.

    • Anonymous

      that last sentence was v unexpected

    • anon

      Pretty gross, but also pretty accurate.  My ex farted in my face one time, and even though it smelled and it was pungent, it smelled a lot better than my male friends.

      • Anonymous

        Just because you told yourself it did.

    • Lien Chris M

      Yep, got it.

      Stop. K?

    • Catt

      “Just because sometimes I get my period and I don’t have immediate access to sanitary products so I stuff my knickers with toilet paper.”

      Every fuckin’ time that bitch sneaks up on me, I end up emptying some poor public toilet stall of its roll and shoving it into my purse til I can get to my house/CVS/a girlfriend’s.

      • rose

        best thing is to get a couple of those paper towels for your hands and then wrap the loo roll around them so you get the softness of the toilet paper and the added absorbency of the paper towels. 

        worst is when your makeshift pad doesn’t stay under your vagina and slowly moves back up your bum so you have to fish it out.

        • http://ethecofem.com April

          The creeping toilet paper is the WORST!

        • Catt

          Oh my god you’re brilliant. Totally using this idea, thank you sososo much!

    • http://paopucake.tumblr.com rina

      but eating in bed can lead to ants crawling into your ears!

    • turningtables

      Perfect tbh.

    • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

      I couldn’t keep my laughter contained while reading this. People in the office probably thought I was seizing or something. And I have a friend that I immediately thought of while reading this, because we do almost all of these things.

    • Boschalicious

      OMG the LAST sentence of this post is amazing!!! :D <3 

    • TO

      We know you’re human. Was this worth writing? THOUGHT Catalog…really?

    • Guest

      I like to pull zits off my face with tweezers.  

    • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

      Kat. Your tags. LOL.

    • lalala

      hear hear!! male or female, people are all the same! i hate it when boys say that girls burping is a dealbreaker. what, you want me to get some sort of stomach disease by holding it all in? F that.

      although, i really don’t know how i feel about squeezing other people’s pimples. i like plucking stuff better. i’d love it if a guy would let me tweeze his eyebrows or excess hair somewhere. volunteers?

    • http://www.perditaspursuits.blogspot.com Perdita

      Hmm, maybe it’s a Brit thing, but we use a ruder word than ‘poop’ BUT wouldn’t do it in the same room as a friend. Piss yep, s**t nope. How very twee we are! But we do indeed talk about it all the time.

      I have an ex who was in love with the idea of an iklle dolly pwincess who happened to look like me. He used to insist to people that my farts smelled sweet. It was mortifying, he would explain that they smeeeld floral. He didn’t understand why it made me angry- people might thing I WAS DELUDED TOO & had told him that! I pretty much live on curry, meat and garlic- my farts aint nice at all!!

      • Guest

        YOU SAY SHIT IN BRITAIN

        YOU GUYS ARE SO EDGY

      • Guest

        YOU SAY SHIT IN BRITAIN

        YOU GUYS ARE SO EDGY

    • http://twitter.com/ozmafan Chelsea Nesvig

      I’m with you on everything except the pooping in front of friends…no thanks.

    • Al

      This is the truest thing I’ve ever read.

    • Anonymous

      Such a wonderfully painted picture of me.  Especially with the bacne.  Except I prefer the face.  I liked popping my ex’s pimples, they were the highlights of my day.

      On the food subject, only a select few can see me beast a meal.  If I hear all you can eat Korean BBQ, I will be at that restaurant for 3 hours.  Fact.

    • DE

      So true minus the pooping in front of others and the earwax/snot thing (wtf), I don’t get why guys get so scandalized by blood.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a lesbian and I’ve never once pooped in front of someone else, unless you count my infancy. I agree with (most) everything…save for the ear wax (ew…at least inspect it on a q-tip!) and the snot thing. A hair? Really?! 

      But poppin’ pimples? Hell yes! 

    • Anonymous

      I’m a lesbian and I’ve never once pooped in front of someone else, unless you count my infancy. I agree with (most) everything…save for the ear wax (ew…at least inspect it on a q-tip!) and the snot thing. A hair? Really?! 

      But poppin’ pimples? Hell yes! 

    • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

      OH MY GOD! I HAD NO IDEA! I’M STILL A VIRGIN! AND LIKE FOUR YEARS OLD!

    • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

      OH MY GOD! I HAD NO IDEA! I’M STILL A VIRGIN! AND LIKE FOUR YEARS OLD!

      • Rose

        that’s probably a good thing. not being a virgin at four years old would be sad.

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