1. National Hangover Day (January 1)
If you drank too much on New Year’s Eve—and who doesn’t?¬—this is the day where you can nurse your headache and your sore muscles. You can either do that by taking a hot bath, getting a massage, taking some aspirin and watching TV…or by drinking more. This is also why January 1 has been designated as “National Bloody Mary Day.”
2. National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day (January 3)
As the cold and darkness of winter fully kick in after the winter holiday season, blunt the pain of mid-winter by gobbling down as many of these delicious little confections as possible. Chocolate-covered cherries were invented in England in the 1700s and usually were peppered with a bit of liqueur. Nowadays they’re mostly filled with cherry-flavored syrup, but either way, close your eyes, eat a chocolate-covered cherry, and pray for springtime to arrive.
3. National Drinking Straw Day (January 3)
Bet you didn’t know that drinking straws go back about 5,000 years—the oldest known one in existence was found in a Sumerian tomb dating back to 3000 BCE. The straw in question was a pretty snazzy item, seeing as how it was a gold tube featuring a precious blue stone. This holiday falls on January 3 to honor the fact that on that date in 1888, Marvin C. Stone received a patent for the paper drinking straw.
4. National Fruitcake Toss Day (January 3)
Is there anyone on the planet who likes eating those horrific loaves of doom? Why the hell would anyone give this as a Christmas gift? It’s the culinary equivalent of a bag of coal. Anyway, people’s distaste for fruitcakes runs so deep that there is now a holiday that allows you to throw a fruitcake as far as you can and compete with others nationwide for the yearly record. So get out there on an open, snow-filled plain and heave that fruitcake with all your might! You’ll feel better.
5. National Spaghetti Day (January 4)
On the day after National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day, as you peer out of your cabin in the woods and realize it’s still cold and dark outside, take comfort in one of the ultimate comfort foods—hot, steamin’ pasta smothered in a sauce of your choice. Italian Americans have gifted us with not only pizza and Frank Sinatra—they’ve also given us spaghetti, and for that we owe them an everlasting debt.
6. National Bubble Bath Day (January 8)
OK, well, it looks as if it’s not getting any warmer outside, so stage a rebellion against winter’s cold cruelty by drawing yourself a nice hot bath beneath a comforting layer of soap bubbles. Relax, exhale, and feel comfortable knowing that Old Man Winter can’t find you underneath all those bubbles.
7. National Kiss A Ginger Day (January 12)
Freckled redheads comprise only about 2% of the global population but are subject to harassment and bullying, even in countries such as Scotland and Ireland, where they account for up to 13% of the populace. Here’s your chance to take a ginger aside, give them a kiss, and whisper in their ear that you realize they have souls just like everybody else does.
8. National Blame Someone Else Day (First Friday the 13th of the Year)
Although it’s irresponsible and ultimately counterproductive, let yourself take that heavy burden of guilt you carry around and toss it all on someone else. Even though it’s not really their fault and you know it, you will feel better for at least one day.
9. National Dress Up Your Pet Day (January 14)
Granted, when most pets get dressed up by their owners and are forced to pose for pictures, they typically look like they would murder their owners if they could get away with it, but this day is not really about the pets, it’s about the owners, so if you want to dress up all five of your Chihuahuas as the Village People to celebrate this day, it’s on you if your Chihuahuas attack you in your sleep.
10. National Cheese Lover’s Day (January 20)
Yes, it’s oozing with fat, and yes, it’s also loaded with sodium, and yes, if you eat too much you’ll probably get “swole” in all the wrong places, but being stuck smack-dab in the dead of winter, you shouldn’t feel bad for eating an entire pizza or a cheeseburger with three extra slices of dripping cheddar. Anyone who says they don’t like cheese is either lying or a cheeseophobe.
11. Squirrel Appreciation Day (January 21)
Yes, they’re rodents, and OK, if they bite you there’s a chance you may get rabies, but at least appreciate the fact that they can be kind of cute sitting on their haunches and nibbling on acorns. This day was created by a wildlife rehabilitator in North Carolina to honor the 200 or so species of squirrels currently in North America, including the Black Giant and the nocturnal arrow flying squirrel.
12. Compliment Day (January 24)
If you don’t have anything nice to say, remain silent for this entire day. Otherwise, take this opportunity to say something nice to someone who needs it, whether a friend or a stranger. You’ll feel better and will also make someone feel better about themselves.
13. Ice Cream For Breakfast Day (First Saturday in February)
Set aside your boring bowl of oatmeal or your seen-it-all-before plate of eggs and hash browns and wake up to a big, delicious, creamy bowl of ice cream. Yes, it’s probably not the best thing for your diet, and no, it’s probably inappropriate to eat cold things in the middle of winter, but here’s a way to rebel against the status quo without anybody getting hurt.
14. Bubble Gum Day (February 1)
This is another day for you rebels out there—since it’s usually frowned upon to chew gum in class, this is a day where students reserve the right to do it if they each give fifty cents to their favorite charity. This day not only helps the disadvantaged; it also allows students to feel, just for a few hours, that being in school isn’t a form of punishment.
15. National Bagel Day (February 9)
This was formerly Bagel and Lox Day, but since Lox is an acquired taste and contains roughly as much salt as there is in the entire Atlantic Ocean, it was trimmed down simply to Bagel Day to honor the yeasty confection whose sales top over a billion dollars yearly in the USA alone. Whether you like yours plain or toasted, with cream cheese or butter, today’s the day to pamper yourself and enjoy the mighty bagel.
16. National Gumdrop Day (February 15)
If you aren’t in a complete sugar coma from all the chocolates you gobbled down on Valentine’s Day, you should give yourself a treat and buy a bag of multicolored gumdrops and savor their tastes one by one, going from mint to licorice to cherry to orange and then back. Then, if you want to take it up a notch, play a round of the classic board game Candy Land and make your way through Gumdrop Mountain and Gumdrop Pass.
17. National Day of Unplugging (Second Friday in March)
Fed up with social media? Feel a little sick at looking at Facebook and Instagram, only to see how happy all your exes and enemies are? Do you even remember a time when you didn’t use electronic devices nearly every second? This is a day for you to unplug everything and experience life as humans have for hundreds of thousands of years.
18. Steak and BJ Day (March 14)
Falling as it does exactly a month after Valentine’s Day—which many men assume is more for women than for men—this day attempts to set things right by requiring the female member of the romantic team to cook their guy a steak and then give him a blowjob. It is thought that the holiday was invented in 2002 by a radio DJ named Tom Birdsey, so if the very idea of this holiday makes you angry, blame him, not us. (Also see: Cake and Cunnilingus Day, April 14.)
19. National Let’s Laugh Day (March 19)
Life is so filled with injustice and suffering and agony and unfairness that it’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole and torture yourself with all of the misery. This is the day to either re-watch your favorite comedies, retell your favorite jokes, or reconnect with that one person from the past who makes you laugh so hard that your sides hurt. You’ll feel better, we promise.
20. Absolutely Incredible Kid Day (March 21)
Although good parents do everything within their power to make sure their kids are safe and comfortable and happy, this is the day where parents are encouraged to tell their kids—either directly or through letters, videos, and email—how much they love them and how much better life is with them in the world.
21. National Goof Off Day (March 22)
Have you ever called in sick from work or school when you really weren’t sick? Have you ever stepped away from a task that needed to be done to do something you actually wanted to do? Well, if you do this regularly you’ll probably get fired or expelled, so here’s the one day a year you can act like Ferris Bueller and take a break from the drudgery that is your daily routine. This holiday is wisely timed, seeing as it comes on the second day of spring when everyone is dying to shake the winter blues.
22. National Puppy Day (March 23)
Yes, kittens are cute, and if you prefer cats it’s OK if you want to celebrate National Kitten Day instead, but there’s nothing quite like holding an eager little warm puppy in your arms and having it lick your face as if its life depended on it. With all of the awful things in this world, puppies have never been one of them.
23. National Nougat Day (March 26)
Does anyone really know what “nougat” is? This mystery treat is said to contain whipped egg whites mixed with honey or sugar and roasted nuts, but we suspect it’s some ancient nectar of the gods that the divine entities, in their often grudging generosity, have allowed us to sample. Nearly all of the most popular candy bars—including Snickers, Baby Ruth, Three Musketeers, Milky Way, and Zero—contain nougat, so take your pick and give yourself a well-deserved sugar rush.
24. Cake and Cunnilingus Day (April 14)
This was created as a response to Steak and BJ Day (March 14), which was itself as response to Valentine’s Day. Once again, the attention switches back to the ladies, who get treated to a nice big slice of their favorite cake along with a nice, long, slow, luxurious round of oral pleasure. It’s a wonder why this isn’t women’s favorite holiday.
25. No Pants Day (First Friday of May)
This holiday, which is celebrated in countries all across the world, is suspected to have originated sometime in the mid-1980s. According to a story which may be nothing more than an urban legend, it started when a businessman was so obsessed with not being late for an important business meeting, he forgot his wife was ironing his pants, so he boarded with subway in a suit jacket and his underwear. On this day you are encouraged to forgo wearing pants wherever you can get away with it legally.
26. Star Wars Day (May 4)
This is held on the 4th so that the “fourth” can be with you—get it? It’s a chance for the countless fans of this entertainment juggernaut to celebrate a media franchise estimated to be worth a staggering $65 billion.
27. National Hoagie Day (May 5)
If you’re actually from Philly or have at least traveled through it, you realize what an authentic hoagie sandwich tastes like and why those stale, cardboard-tasting things they serve up at Subway don’t even come close. The hoagie was declared Philadelphia’s official sandwich in 1992 for good reason—few things on this planet taste as good as an Italian hoagie with salami, ham, mozzarella, hot peppers, onions, oil, vinegar, and mayonnaise all stuffed inside a 12-inch bun.
28. National Lost Sock Memorial Day (May 9)
We’ve all lost socks—it’s an unfortunate aspect of life. But most of us, preoccupied with trifles such as “finding love” and “working a job,” have never taken the time to mourn our lost socks. It is also on this day that you are encouraged to euthanize all those lonely single socks that sit around in your chest of drawers, pining for their missing loved one.
29. National Dance Like a Chicken Day (May 14)
If you’ve never danced like a chicken before, you don’t know what you’re missing. If you have danced like a chicken before, you realize how fun and freeing it can be. Either way, get up, flap your wings, and start squawking—once you get over the initial self-consciousness, you may never want to return to acting like a normal human again.
30. National Say Something Nice Day (June 1)
In a world that’s filled with hatred and violence and bloodshed and heartache and meanness, would it KILL you to set one day aside to say something nice to either a friend, a loved one, or a complete stranger? If it would, maybe you deserve to die—just kidding, but say something nice anyway.
31. National Moonshine Day (June 5)
Moonshiners get a bad rep, but they were some of the original American rebels. George Washington sent out more troops to quash the Whiskey Rebellion in western Pennsylvania than he did to defeat the English in the Revolutionary War. And throughout history, people have home-brewed their alcohol as a way to avoid paying taxes. And although few know it, the first great NASCAR drivers all got their start by outrunning the law by carrying moonshine through the Southern mountains. Take a sip of some illicit alcohol and feel a little dangerous on this early summer night.
32. International Axe Throwing Day (June 13)
Bet you didn’t know that Axe Throwing is not merely something that bored lumberjacks do—it’s an officially recognized sport regulated by The World Axe Throwing League that measures variables such as distance and target size to determine the best axe-thrower. But if you have an axe and a lonely spot in the woods, take out all your frustrations by tossing an axe at a tree—the tree might regret it, but you won’t.
33. National Selfie Day (June 21)
Even though we’ve reached a stage where it seems like everyone on the planet, no matter if they’re sixth months or ninety years old, takes at least one selfie a day. On June 21—which is also the first day of summer—take at least two.
34. National Nude Day (July 14)
You were born nude, as were all other animals. Today, if you can swing it without getting arrested, step out into the warm summer sunlight without a stitch of clothing on to experience what it really feels like to go au naturel. Founding Father Ben Franklin—who wasn’t exactly a male model if you’ve seen the pictures—used to take “air baths” completely naked. It’ll feel good. Go nude, and it’ll improve your mood.
35. National Tell a Joke Day (August 16)
Not everyone is born to be a comedian, but everyone has at least one joke that always makes them laugh. Tell that joke to someone you love—or even someone you meet on the street.
36. National Just Because Day (August 27)
This is sort of the Joker or Wild Card of holidays because it doesn’t really celebrate anything or anyone and there are no formal rituals—it’s merely an invitation to choose this day to do whatever the hell you want. You should be able to do this every day of the year if there were any justice, but most of us have things such as jobs and mortgage payments. But here’s one special day set aside where you can feel comfortable acting like a flake.
37. National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day (September 1)
This might be the most eccentric and esoteric holiday on the whole list here, because it encourages you to celebrate the very few words in the English language that do not rhyme with any other single word:
There’s no need to waste the entire holiday trying to find rhymes—poets and sages have been trying to rhyme these words since the dawn of time with no success. Just sit back and celebrate the fact that you’re not even going to try.
38. National Lazy Mom’s Day (First Friday in September)
No one on the planet works harder than a mom trying to keep all her kids safe, her house clean, and her checkbook balanced. Here’s the one day a year where mom has to do nothing—get someone else to do the laundry, wash the dishes, and scrub the toilet. Let mom sit on the couch and watch her favorite shows while you spoon-feed her chocolate ice cream and then give her a foot rub.
39. International Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19)
Arrgh! Avast! Ahoy, ye maties! Today is the one day of the year you can stop suppressing your inner pirate and let it out for all to see. You can also walk around wearing an eyepatch and a parrot on your shoulder if that’s your idea of a good time.
40. National Fluffernutter Day (October 8)
The “Fluffernutter” is a sandwich that mixes peanut butter with the angelically sweet marshmallow creme. This sandwich was huge in the 1960s but sadly has mostly fallen out of public favor. Relive those glory days and experience the taste treat of your life by mixing huge dollops of peanut butter and marshmallow creme onto two lonely, naked slabs of white bread. You won’t be sorry.
41. National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day (October 21)
Cheesecake is one of those things that tastes so good, you wind up not caring how bad it may be for you. But on this day, only ten days before Halloween, honor the fall season by stuffing your mouth with the incredible combo of rich creamy cheesecake and the inimitable taste of pumpkin. Oh—did you also know that the scent men find more erotic than any other is the smell of pumpkin pie baking? If you’re seeking to seduce a man, pumpkin is the way to go.
42. St. Crispin’s Day (October 25)
This was originally a Catholic holiday honoring the twin saints Crispin and Crispinian, but it morphed into more of an opportunity to publicly shame people who’d annoyed the entire village. In England in the late 1800s, a dummy would be made of someone in the village who “had misconducted himself or herself, or had become particularly notorious during the year,” hang it on a signpost until November 5, then tear it down and burn it.
43. National Greasy Foods Day (October 25)
While it’s smart to eat healthy, natural foods that go fresh from the ground to your dinner table, it’s also starting to get cold outside, so here’s the one day per year you can set aside and gorge on greasy, drippy, fat-laden comfort foods. Whether it’s pizza, fried, chicken, or nachos, just stuff your face and fall into blissful slumber. You might not feel so great tomorrow, but tomorrow can wait.
44. National Knock-Knock Jokes Day (October 31)
Yes, they’re roughly as annoying as puns, but here’s the one day every year where you are permitted to annoy everyone around you with the worst knock-knock joke you’ve ever heard. For example:
Really? You don’t look like a shoe.
45. National Men Make Dinner Day (First Thursday in November)
Although the cliché is that men make the best chefs, you wouldn’t know that from hanging around most households, because most men don’t ever attempt to “make” any meal more sophisticated than a bowl of cereal. But on this day, force the guys in your life to take it to the hoop and cook an entire three-course meal for you. The only thing we’d recommend is to keep a fire extinguisher handy.
46. National Absurdity Day (November 20)
For one day a year, you are encouraged to stop working on whatever project has been consuming you, stop worrying about what the future will bring, stop wondering whether people actually like you or not, and simply bask in the idea that life makes no sense and that sometimes it’s a relief to realize it. This is the one day a year you are encouraged to do things that make no sense.
47. World Hello Day (November 21)
This holiday was founded by two brothers in 1973 who were sick of witnessing war and destruction in the Middle East. To encourage friendship and compassion worldwide, they want you to greet 10 different people on this day with a friendly “Hello.”
48. Old Clem’s Night (November 23)
This used to be a widely celebrated Christian holiday in honor of Pope Clement I, patron saint of blacksmiths. To honor this day, blacksmiths would load their anvils with gunpowder and start hammering the hell out of them, causing a crude and primitive form of fireworks. Then there’d be drinking and singing, and door-to-door begging by blacksmiths dressed up in “Old Clem” costumes.
49. National Cookie Day (December 4)
If you don’t like cookies, it’s fair to wonder whether you actually have a soul. The best way to honor this humble little holiday is to bake some cookies of your own…or buy some Girl Scout cookies…or have someone bake cookies for you…or even just buy some cut-rate cookies at the supermarket. But don’t take this holiday lightly—for one day, pretend as if that cookie is a communion wafer and you’re participating in a holy sacrament.
50. National Bacon Day (December 30)
On the day before New Year’s Eve, what better way to prepare yourself for all those drunken snowball fights than to pack on an extra pound or two by gobbling down some of this fried and crispy salted pork belly? It even tastes good with peanut butter or ice cream. (This holiday is not to be confused with International Bacon Day, which falls on the Saturday before Labor Day.)