1. You have found yourself in the deepest and darkest of funks. Just, what’s the point anymore? When does it end? Why are we here?
2. You are actually having an existential crisis right now. It’s in progress. You are questioning your entire existence. Nothing is okay!
3. Anything that could go wrong or wayward is doing so. You spilled coffee on your favorite shirt. You burned your tongue. You fell randomly in the middle of the sidewalk while wearing flat shoes. Pretty much all activities you could do normally are completely fucking with you right now.
4. You may have felt the desire to wear all black to match your mood. Black on black on black is the go-to during this moody emo time we’re all going through.
5. Do you feel like you have no control over your emotions? Have you turned into the most sensitive version of yourself? Has someone looked at you strangely and you overanalyzed it and were suddenly convinced they hated you? Yep, retrograde.
6. Do you just, in general, feel not like yourself? Have you stood in front of a mirror lately and asked yourself, “Who am I?” Don’t worry, it’ll pass as soon as Mercury gets its shit together.
7. You are spinning inside the perpetual cycle of self-doubt. Your thoughts are just a jumble of nonsense like: Nothing you do is good enough! You will never amount to anything! Quit everything now!
8. You’re being the biggest asshole to yourself and you don’t know why. It’s like your normal internal self has been replaced with a berating hybrid of Ann Coulter and Donald Trump and you are NOT OKAY ABOUT THIS. Take deep breaths. Those little demons will pass once Mercury straightens out.
9. Your communication skills are so off-point it’s almost like they’ve come back around full circle to on-point. (But not really, because you can’t quite get on the same page with anyone right now.)
10. You should probably just take a break from anyone you’re dating because retrograde is causing you both to turn into monsters that subsist off each other’s tears.
11. He/she not texting you back? All Mercury’s fault. Everyone is in their own world of despair right now. We’re all hurting. Nobody is reaching out. It’s bleak.
12. DO NOT MAKE ANY BIG DECISIONS RIGHT NOW. This will be the exact time that you want to quit everything, move, break-up, get married, make monumentally large decisions that you will regret the day Mercury stops going retrograde. (Ladies: do not get bangs. I repeat, DO NOT GET BANGS. PUT DOWN THE SCISSORS UNTIL OCTOBER 25.)
13. If you need to get a good cry going, do so. GET IT OUT. Your emotions are raw right now. It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re all okay. (I think? I hope? I don’t know, I’m in this retrograde, too.)
14. You may feel the desire to overindulge on basically everything. Maybe don’t do that? Just think about how you feel on a normal retrograde day. Now add a hangover on top of that. NOT WORTH IT.
15. A lot of old beliefs and feelings are coming up right now. If you’re stuck retracing the same old tired beliefs and past frustrations, chill out and don’t let it get to you too much. Retrograde by nature means a backtrack, so it’s only natural that you’re falling into a deep pit of shit you thought you’d already trudged through. The light is near, my friend!
16. If you are finding yourself questioning every decision you’ve ever made in your life and falling into a tailspin over it, yep, this retrograde has got you in its claws. You are not going to get the answers right now. Just give up and go get a cookie.
17. The best thing about retrograde is that when it rights its path, there is an insurgence of creativity and inspiration. So, while you’re wallowing inside the dark pit of your misery right now, just remember that the light in the future is bright. (But seriously, for now, just get the cookie and get a good cry going. That’s about as productive as you’re going to get right now.) GOOD LUCK.