You hurt me. And now you want to come back. You want me to forgive you for everything that happened. You want me to give you another chance and act like everything is fine between us again.
It’s not fair that you’re making me choose between a relationship with you and my mental health. I shouldn’t have to turn you away. I shouldn’t have to play the bad guy. I shouldn’t have to decide whether I’m going to involve you in my life moving forward.
I’m not mad at you for trying to ease your way back into my world. I’m mad at you for giving me a reason to push you out of my world to begin with. It’s not fair that we spent so much time apart. It’s not fair that you became a stranger. It’s not fair that I have no idea what’s going on in your life and you have no idea about mine.
It’s not fair that I have all of these painful memories of you. It’s not fair that, for every good thing I have to say about you, I have two horrible things to say. It’s not fair that it turned out this way between us. It’s not fair that this is where our story led.
And now, it’s not fair that I’m stuck in this position — wondering whether I should let you back into my life and risk getting hurt again, or whether I should and risk living with the guilt of keeping you at a distance. Either way, I’m losing out yet again. If you come back, it isn’t going to be easy to reconnect with you. It’s going to hurt like hell. And it’s going to hurt in a completely different way if I don’t answer your calls, if I don’t see you again, if I don’t give you another chance.
It’s not fair that this is happening to me. It’s not fair that I feel this way. It’s not fair that you brought us to this point. It’s not fair that, even if I decided to try to start over with you, there’s always going to be some resentment and anger and pain. There’s always going to be a million moments that we want erased.
It’s not fair that you put me through so much hell when I didn’t do anything to deserve it. It’s not fair that there isn’t anything I can do to change the past or even forget the past. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
And it’s not fair that I have to keep using that word you always warned me not to use. That word that comes across as childish and immature. That word that is meaningless, pointless, useless.
I still remember the way you would always stop me from using it, how you would interrupt and say, “Whoever told you life was fair was lying to you.” You were wrong about a lot of things, but I guess you were right about that.