I’m actively trying to become the best version of myself but there are days when it feels like I’m only pretending I’ve made progress. There are days when it feels like I’ve mastered the art of acting like I’ve gotten better, but inside, everything is still a mess.
The thing about toxic habits is they never really go away. You can fight against them for a while and they can get easier and easier to control — but if you’re thrown into the wrong situation, if you’re subjected to the wrong circumstances, then you can feel like you’ve been thrown right back to square one. You can feel lost again. Confused again. Broken again.
I keep trying to remind myself healing is a lifelong journey. I’m not going to change into an entirely different person overnight. I’m not going to lose my baggage in one dump. I’m not going to fix my flaws with the power of positive thinking. It takes years and years of hard work. It takes constant effort.
Even though there are days when it feels like all of the time and energy and money I’ve put into bettering myself has been useless, there are other days, better days, when it feels like I have my toxic habits under control. There are days when I see changes in myself, however small, and am proud I’ve never lost faith in myself.
I’m trying (and failing) to become the best version of myself, but I’m growing to learn that’s okay. There have been moments in the past when setbacks have made me question my worth and made me question whether there is any point in continuing forward — but I don’t let myself think that way anymore. I don’t let myself dwell on the idea of giving up.
I keep reminding myself that taking a small step back does not mean I’m a failure and should give up on whatever I’m trying to accomplish. It means I only need to take a single step forward to get back on track. It means I’ve only fallen behind a little bit — and that’s not the end of the world. That’s not a reason to quit. That’s not a reason to fall into a state of self-destruction.
The fact that I’m trying to become a better person means I’m on the right path. It means I’m mature enough to recognize my own flaws and responsible enough to set out to work on them. It means my heart is in the right place, which is a good start.
It’s not really a failure when I fall slightly off-course. The real failure would be if I gave up on myself, if I decided my bad habits weren’t going anywhere, if I decided I was powerless to change my own situation. The real failure would be accepting my toxic qualities without doing anything about them.
I might feel like I’m failing at my attempt to become a better person, but at least I’m giving it my best shot. At least I’m trying to do the right thing.