I Am Proud Of Myself

Unsplash / Justin Aikin

Most of the time, I make deprecating jokes. Some of them aren’t even technically jokes. They are how I really feel. I talk about how much I hate myself. I complain about my insecurities — the size of my forehead, the size of my nose, the size of my waist. I treat myself poorly because I cannot shake the feeling that I am not good enough. I don’t know my own worth. I believe that everyone surrounding me is more important, more talented, more valuable. I think of myself as a bother. I toss the word failure around in my head because it seems to fit me better than success.

However, there are moments when I force myself to take a step back and look at how much I have grown in the past few years — even the past few months.

Even though I feel much more comfortable whining about what a screwup I am, I have to admit that I am proud of myself. I am proud of the person I have become. I have been actively working on myself for a long time. I have tried to become a healthier person. A nicer person. A person with unshakable morals and unstoppable determination.

I am not exactly where I want to be — but I am getting closer. I am taking steps toward my destination each and every day. I have made mistakes but I have also made achievements. I have rediscovered myself. I have found out what I really want from this world and am working towards grabbing it.

I am not completely happy with myself, but I like myself more than I have in a long time. I am more comfortable in empty rooms. I am more enthusiastic about pictures of myself. I am growing to appreciate the person staring back at me in the mirror instead of constantly criticizing her.

Even though I spend most of my time acting like everything sucks, in reality, I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I am doing well for myself. I might not have a wedding ring on my finger or three diplomas hanging from my walls — but I am not sure if I even want those things. My version of success is not the same as another person’s version of success.

Most of the time, I am too hard on myself. I never think anything I do is enough. I compare myself to my friends and to celebrities, even though I know it’s wrong. The little voice inside my head picks out my flaws, and even though I attempt to silence it, I still hear its complaints.

I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to be perfect. I’m just trying to be better.

I’m going to start by being a little bit nicer to myself, even though I’m used to saying mean things about myself. I’m used to putting on an act (that’s not really an act) about how nothing I do is right and how I am going to end up alone.

But it’s time for me to admit the truth I have been afraid to speak for so long — underneath it all, I am really fucking proud of myself. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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Image Credit: Unsplash / Justin Aikin

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