I Chased You

God & Man

I texted you twice in a row because I wanted to talk to you that badly.

I rescheduled plans with you after you canceled because I wanted to spend time with you that badly.

I gave you second (and third and fourth) chances because I wanted to date you that badly.

You gave me mixed signals for the longest time. I could have taken them as a signal that you weren’t interested in a relationship. I could have given up hope that we would ever get together. But instead of assuming that you were never going to become my person, I assumed you needed a little push. Some extra encouragement to see me as more than a friend.

I chased after you because I thought I could get you to stop saying you weren’t ready for a relationship. I thought I would be able to convince you to give me a fighting chance.

I came up with excuses for you. I made up reasons why you were pushing me away. You were still heartbroken over your last relationship. You had trust issues. You had abandonment issues. You wanted to protect yourself by staying single. You were scared of how much you liked me.

I chased you because I thought that was what you wanted me to do. I thought you needed me to prove how strong my feelings were for you. I thought you needed the compliments and the double texts and the Instagram likes to know I was serious about wanting to be with you. I thought they would help prove I was worth your time and effort.

I never worried about looking desperate because I thought it was better for you to know how I felt about you than to leave you guessing. I thought expressing myself was better than sending mixed signals the way you were doing. I wanted to be upfront with you. I wanted you to know exactly where I stood.

I chased you because I wanted your attention and didn’t care how that happened. It didn’t matter if I had to send you selfies, rearrange my schedule to see you, or spend hours on my outfit in order to impress you. I would have done anything to make you notice me. To make you care.

I chased after you because I knew that if I stopped texting you first, we would never have another conversation. If I stopped setting up plans with you, we would never see each other again. If I stopped giving you chances, you would never go out of your way to set things right with me. I knew I had to do all of the work to keep our friendship alive.

I chased after you because the alternative was letting you go and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to keep you in my life. I wanted to make you a permanent piece of my world but it turns out I was only temporary for you. TC mark

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You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.

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