I Won’t Kiss You Unless You Mean Something To Me

Girl ready for a kiss
Unsplash / Pietra Schwarzler

I am not old fashioned. I am not the kind of person who waits three dates to be kissed. The kind of person who needs a romantic setting in the rain. The kind of person who would never dream of hooking up with a near-stranger at a random party, because the timing has to be perfect.

I have kissed people who left the next morning, people who weren’t looking for a relationship. I have slept with people on the first date, and sometimes without even going on a date first. I have gotten intimate with people who never deserved my time or attention.

Even though those kisses never lead to anything serious, those people all had one thing in common — I cared about them. I wanted them in my life for longer than they stayed. I wanted those kisses to lead to something deeper, to something that lasted a lifetime.

I know most people consider kisses small and insignificant, a minor interaction that barely means anything at all, but if I kiss you, then you mean something to me. If I kiss you, then I have been thinking about your lips for a long time.

I don’t let myself get close to many people, physically or emotionally. I push everyone away before they get too close. I refuse to lead others on, because I have been on that side of the coin, and the feeling sucks. I don’t want anyone to feel that way because of me. I don’t want to be the reason for their heartache.

So I keep my distance — unless  the temptation becomes too much. Unless I like you more than I’ve liked anyone in a long time.

I prefer my personal space, I don’t like to be touched, so little acts of intimacy mean a lot to me. Holding hands. Hugging. Kissing. Something as simple as sitting close enough that our legs touch is a big deal to me, so if I kiss you, then you know that you matter to me. You know that I’ve thought about starting a relationship with you. You know that my feelings run deep.

I only kiss people who mean something to me — even if I have a strong hunch that they aren’t going to stick around until morning. Even if I know deep down in my heart that the kiss doesn’t matter half as much to them as it matters to me.

I only kiss people who mean something to me — even if I know that the kiss is only going to make my feelings for them stronger. Even if I know that the kiss is only going to make it hurt worse when they leave me alone again.

Maybe it is silly for a kiss to mean so much for me in the modern dating world, but it does.

If I kiss you, then I want more from you. I want a future with you. I want a chance with you. I want a real relationship with you. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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