I am not old fashioned. I am not the kind of person who waits three dates to be kissed. The kind of person who needs a romantic setting in the rain. The kind of person who would never dream of hooking up with a near-stranger at a random party, because the timing has to be perfect.
I have kissed people who left the next morning, people who weren’t looking for a relationship. I have slept with people on the first date, and sometimes without even going on a date first. I have gotten intimate with people who never deserved my time or attention.
Even though those kisses never lead to anything serious, those people all had one thing in common — I cared about them. I wanted them in my life for longer than they stayed. I wanted those kisses to lead to something deeper, to something that lasted a lifetime.
I know most people consider kisses small and insignificant, a minor interaction that barely means anything at all, but if I kiss you, then you mean something to me. If I kiss you, then I have been thinking about your lips for a long time.
I don’t let myself get close to many people, physically or emotionally. I push everyone away before they get too close. I refuse to lead others on, because I have been on that side of the coin, and the feeling sucks. I don’t want anyone to feel that way because of me. I don’t want to be the reason for their heartache.
So I keep my distance — unless the temptation becomes too much. Unless I like you more than I’ve liked anyone in a long time.
I prefer my personal space, I don’t like to be touched, so little acts of intimacy mean a lot to me. Holding hands. Hugging. Kissing. Something as simple as sitting close enough that our legs touch is a big deal to me, so if I kiss you, then you know that you matter to me. You know that I’ve thought about starting a relationship with you. You know that my feelings run deep.
I only kiss people who mean something to me — even if I have a strong hunch that they aren’t going to stick around until morning. Even if I know deep down in my heart that the kiss doesn’t matter half as much to them as it matters to me.
I only kiss people who mean something to me — even if I know that the kiss is only going to make my feelings for them stronger. Even if I know that the kiss is only going to make it hurt worse when they leave me alone again.
Maybe it is silly for a kiss to mean so much for me in the modern dating world, but it does.
If I kiss you, then I want more from you. I want a future with you. I want a chance with you. I want a real relationship with you.