She hates playing games. She hates sending mixed signals and waiting to text back and acting like she doesn’t care about the people that mean the most to her.
But if she admits that she has feelings for someone (an act that she considers brave) everyone else will say that she’s moving too fast. Loving too hard. Expecting too much.
If she texts back too quickly or always texts first or decides to double text, then people will look at her like she’s clingy. Like she’s desperate. Like she is impatient and impassioned.
She doesn’t want to plays games, but she feels like she has no other choice. So she rewrites her texts to make them look casual. She waits at least thirty minutes to text back. She compliments her crushes — but not too much, nothing too obvious.
And she puts up with it when other people play games. She tries not to complain when she has to waste time deciphering their mixed signals, overanalyzing their behavior.
Are they waiting an hour to text back to look cool or have they stopped responding because they honestly couldn’t care less about her? Are they canceling plans because they’re genuinly busy or because a better offer came along? Are they playing hard to get or are they actually impossible for her to get?
She hates those questions. She can’t stand those games.
She wishes she could walk up to someone and tell them that she likes their eyes and their smile, that she wants to take them out on a date, that she wants to see if they have what it takes to last more than a weekend, more than a summer.
She wishes that feelings didn’t have to be hidden. That people would embrace their emotions instead of acting like they were embarrassing secrets.
She’s tired of wasting months on a guy — talking to him, flirting with him, working hard to break down his walls — and then finding out that he didn’t want a relationship from the start. At least, not with her.
She wants honesty to become the new norm. She wishes she could tell someone I like you, I want to be with you without coming across as a creep. Without sounding like she was in desperate need of a boyfriend.
She’s sick of hiding how she feels. She wants to walk around with her heart on her sleeve. She wants to say what she’s thinking instead of censoring her thoughts to look more desirable.
She hopes that, one day, she’ll find someone that refuses to play games and encourages her to do the same. Someone that appreciates her willingness to tell the truth. Someone that loves her for being an open book.
Someone that doesn’t run away when she spills her heart, but takes a step closer.