Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like I’m Still A Little Kid

God & Man

I don’t like to go anywhere on my own. If I’m invited to a party, I want to drive there with a friend, so I don’t have to walk through the door alone. I want someone that I can follow around like a puppy dog, someone that will make me feel a little more comfortable.

Going anywhere alone  — especially a new place I’ve never visited before — is terrifying to me. Honestly, any sort of social situation is terrifying to me.

That’s why, whenever I can, I make someone else speak for me. If I have to schedule a doctor’s appointment, I ask my parents if they’ll pick up the phone and make the call. If my friends are over and I order a pizza, I’ll hand them the money when I hear a knock at the door, because I don’t want to answer it myself.

I can dial a number and answer a door on my own, I know I can, I’m not incapable — but it’s so much easier to ask someone else to do it for me. Otherwise, I have to waste time psyching myself up.

I can’t just drive to a place, get out of my car, and walk up to the building like a ‘normal’ person. I could spend up to twenty minutes in the car, trying to convince myself that I’m ready to handle the supermarket or office or hair salon.

Life is easier when I have someone around to help me out, but I don’t know if relying on others is making my anxiety worse. If I should push myself outside of my comfort zone more often, so that I get used to acting like a functioning member of society.

But I have a feeling that I’ll never get used to it, no matter what I force myself to do.

There are restaurants I’ve been to a million times, meals I’ve ordered a million times, but it still makes me nervous to talk to the waiter. I still practice the order in my head over and over again so that I don’t get it wrong. If my friends try to talk to me while the menus are still out, I’ll only be half-listening, because I’ll be focused on the fact that I’m expected to say words to a stranger.

I wish little things like that didn’t scare me. I want to be the type of person that smiles at passersby and makes smalltalk in line at the grocery store. I want to be the kind of person that makes new friends everywhere they go.

But that’s never going to happen. At least, I can’t imagine it ever happening.

My anxiety makes me feel like I’m still a little kid, like I’m half my age. I want to call myself independent, but how can I do that when I’m afraid to step out of the house by myself? When I can’t go on an interview or talk in class without having a mental breakdown?

I hate what my anxiety reduces me to. I hate how I’m technically considered an adult, but still feel like a child. TC mark 

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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