She only sees her face in mirrors with bad lighting and photographs that she takes herself. In those overly posed selfies where she’s trying too hard to look pretty, where she’s forcing her smile.
She never sees her natural smile. She never sees how her eyes glow when she talks about her passions or how her head tilts back when she laughs.
She doesn’t see herself the way that the rest of the world sees her. They see a strong woman, brimming with potential. But all she sees are flaws.
She has no idea how beautiful she is, because she only believes the negative things about herself. All of her friends tell her she looks like a queen, but she thinks they’re lying, that they’re only trying to be nice. And when a complete stranger tells her that she’s fat or ugly or worthless, she believes them.
She tortures herself by ignoring the compliments and obsessing over the insults.
Even though she has heavy insecurities, she still has random bursts of confidence. Some days, she looks in the mirror and actually likes what she sees. She likes her makeup or her hair or her tattoos, and thinks that anyone would be lucky to have her.
But a few hours later she’ll look into the same mirror — or try to take a selfie that just won’t come out right — and wonder what the hell she was thinking earlier. How could she ever think she was pretty? How could she possibly like herself?
She has an unhealthy relationship with her body, her face, her skin, herself.
That’s why she refuses to accept compliments. When someone tells her that she looks pretty, she shakes her head. Laughs. Changes the conversation.
She doesn’t believe in her own beauty, which is why she tries to make jokes out of it. She’ll either joke about how she’s going to die alone, how no one will ever want her — which is more true than she wants to admit.
Or she’ll joke around by acting like she’s hot stuff, by saying that she’s the sexiest woman out there and that she could have any guy she wanted — which is a bigger lie than she wants to admit.
People don’t realize how insecure she is, because she’s learned how to fake her confidence. But deep down, she thinks she’s ugly. Not just average. Ugly.
She doesn’t see how beautiful she is, because she chases after boys that aren’t interested. Boys that make her feel like she’s doing something wrong, like she looks wrong.
She doesn’t see how beautiful she is, because the world has tricked her into believing that only women with small waists and big breasts are attractive. That someone like her could never be considered pretty.
She doesn’t see how beautiful she is, because she doesn’t want to come across as a bitch. Because it feels trendy to hate herself, and cocky to love herself.
She doesn’t see how beautiful she is, because she isn’t opening her eyes enough. She isn’t looking close enough.