6. An open relationship helps – a lot
My primary and I have been having threesomes with mutual friends for the last 2 years, usually as part of an ongoing play partner relationship. If you’re good at working through jealousy and have a compersive personality it works out beautifully. At the end of the day I LOVE seeing my partner with someone else because I love to see people I care about happy and I don’t feel like I have to be the direct source of the happiness.
There’s not much more fun than giving a good friend a chance to be the guest star and to fulfill whatever her fantasies happen to be. Maybe I’m weird as a pleasure top but nothing excites me more. I don’t think people can assume all couples are the same. If anything I’ve found my open relationship has made my connection with my primary stronger. I’m still good friends with all my friends too.
7. Your needs come second
I’ve done it and it was fun and we all enjoyed ourselves, but it was very obvious how much I was the third. It’s not like they didn’t pay attention to me or my needs but they were each others’ first priorities and I was a second priority. I’m still good friends with them. We still talk every week and enjoy each other’s company. But I don’t think I’d ever jump into bed with both of them at the same time again.
On the other hand, my SO at the time and me approached a couple of his lady friends on occasion and from the feedback I received they had a good time, and they’re still girls I like and respect and they still like and respect me – so it can end up both ways.
8. Friendships can be ruined
I have been the third. It was with a really good friend of mine and her fiance (which I didn’t know as well).
We had hung out and made jokes about messing around together a few times but one night we all were really drunk and it carried home and led to a really really fun time… for a little bit. But unfortunately for me, it did not end well and ruined our friendship. At some point she decided he was giving me too much/more attention than her and just flipped out. I left (didn’t get to finish :( lol) and we spoke the next day, she then accused me and her fiance of having hidden feelings for one another. I tried to explain it was just sex and that me and her had messed around in the past…
Anyway, yah, haven’t spoken to her since. So it destroyed our friendship.
9. Try to avoid couples…
I was a friend’s valentine’s day to her boyfriend. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could take that back. It ruined the friendship, it caused problems in my future relationships, and worst of all it wasn’t any fun.
They had talked about it for a long time, assured each other they were okay with it. But once things started, the girl started having panic attacks, she was yelling at the guy about things she didn’t approve of, and I was manipulated into doing things that were apparently on the strict “no-go list”.
This experience swore me off of third party experiences for a very long time. Probably around 8 years. I’m finally getting comfortable with the idea of possibility getting back into that world, because it CAN be fun. But no relationships anymore. Feel free to ask me any questions.
10. But if you’re a couple, go for a single person?
As someone in the couple half of the threesome, none of my friendships have been negatively affected after — and this has been done with several different friends so far. I think it depends on the couple and their security in the relationship, and also how it goes down during the threesome.
I think everything went great for us because my SO and I are very secure in our relationship and our sexuality, and tried to make it fun and do what our other partners (male and female) found to be arousing rather than solely focusing on our own enjoyment. If the couple you are going to try this with is more concerned about their own enjoyment and reactions/jealousy, it might be a bad time.
11. Couple need to be absolutely sure
I’ve been the third a few times and I’ve added a third a few times.
If the couple are extremely comfortable in their relationship and really solid with each other, then it can be really fun. If they’re adding a third to spice up their relationship, it can be tricky. I had a thresome with my best friends (who are married to each other) and it threw off our relationship for a little while, but in the end, the friendship won out and now everything is fine again. It took a few months though.
12. Boundaries should be set
I have been the third (or fourth, hah) a few times and one time was 1/2 of the couple searching.
How close are you with them on a day to day basis? Do you ever hang out with one more than the other? Do you mainly communicate with them as a unit or as two individuals? And do either have any history of jealousy with partners?
These are more questions to ask yourself than you need to answer here. I find that the majority of problems in a group sexual experience comes from a lack of communication. Either one partner talks to the third person more often and the other partner feels weird about it, or the partners don’t communicate the rules of their relationship – either to each other or to the third person. (Example: it is okay to hang out alone with either of them but no sexual activity is allowed. Or sexual stuff is allowed with the girl only and not the dude, etc.)
Having clear and communicated boundaries helps everyone in the situation. Make sure they are both engaging in conversation equally on the rules and don’t just assume one has relayed information to the other – make sure.
After that, have fun! It’s a good time with the right people and if you are all into it and checking in about boundaries you should be good to go!
