1. “Have At Thee, Knave!”
I actually shouted “have at thee” when some guy broke into my house. 2am, I’m alone (wife’s away) and I hear a door, someone climbing the stairs, etc. Still half asleep I figured it was in my head until I saw a flashlight walking into my bedroom. Went for my 4-cell and leapt out of the rack with the stupidest war whoop ever and he pearled before I could grab him. I’m still pissed off I wasn’t awake enough to catch him. At any rate, seeing a 200lb, barely dressed, hairy fat-ass come charging at you out of the dark has to be terrifying enough.
Oh, I missed grabbing my mag-lite and instead grabbed the power strip. Halfway out the room before I realized I was brandishing a power strip, alarm clock, cell phone charger, and night lamp. File under: “crazy white boy with issues.”
2. Good Manners All Around
My female friend was home alone in her house when this huge black guy walked into her bedroom. She was in shock, so of course the first thing she says is, “Uh, can I help you?” The guy goes “Oh shit!” and takes off. She got window bars installed that week.
3. A Giant Man And His Dog
I was in the shower when I heard my dog start to bark. She rarely does so, so this meant one of two things, there was a stray cat in my front yard, or some shit was actually up. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked out and saw my front door hanging open and some kid with pantyhose over his head. My dog was growling really menacingly and curling her lip at him while I just yelled “What the fuck!?” I suppose the mixture of him not having a weapon, my dog being ferocious and me being 6’2, soaking wet and mostly naked made him nope the fuck out, because he fucking booked it.
I figured he was a kid in his early adolescence, because he was short and obviously saw the pantyhose over the head idea on TruTV or something without knowing its purpose.
In hindsight, I wish I had dropped the towel, put my fists up and said “HAVE AT YOU, RUFFIAN!” To really fuck that kid up mentally, but I was too shocked at the time to consider the funny.
While I was in graduate school, I was getting some much needed and probably pretty deep sleep in the afternoon after pulling an all nighter and turning in a paper that was due earlier in the day and woke up to hear two guys talking to each other in the next room. I was very confused but luckily realized what was going on before I said anything or got up. Heard them talking about how to get my TV out of my apartment and decided it was probably best to just act like I was sleeping and hope they just went on their way.
While laying there I realized I had a cordless phone nearby. Dialed 911 and didn’t say anything – just whispered ‘help.’ Cops showed up 10 minutes later just as the two guys were walking out the door. Woke up. Felt good. Got my TV, Laptop, and a bunch of video games back.
Did not go back to sleep. Finally appreciated the mandatory response to any 911 call.
Moral of the story: if you need to call 911 and aren’t sure what to say, its the thought that counts and you don’t need to say a word.
5. A Hilarious Scene
One night, my aunt (who was in her late teens/early 20s at the time) was awoken by strange sounds coming from downstairs. It was far too late for anyone to be wandering around the house, so she grabbed a baseball bat and walked into the hall.
She checked my uncle’s bedroom door. Closed. She checked my mom’s bedroom door. Closed. Grandma wasn’t home, as she worked nights. Aunt decides to investigate on her own.
She peeks downstairs and can see someone trying to enter through the kitchen window, clad in black. She can’t see their face, but she doesn’t take chances. She quietly sneaks back upstairs, grabs the telephone and calls 911.
She actually worked at the police dispatch center, so she actually knew the person who picked up on the 911 line. She tells this person to send cops right away, that someone was breaking in. Within only a couple minutes, a couple police cars pull up to the house and cops head towards the kitchen, both inside and outside, guns drawn.
It seems that the burglar was stuck in the window. The police grabbed him by the legs and pulled him out and had him pinned to the ground. Aunt comes running up to see who the burglar was.
It was my uncle. He snuck out in the middle of the night to go and get drunk with his friends (he was underage), forgot to bring the key and locked himself out, and was so shitfaced (and fat) that he couldn’t manage to push himself through the kitchen window.
6. One Noise Did The Trick
My Dad’s story:
He was living in an apartment on the second floor. One night he was woken from slumber from some noise in the living room. Being from Texas, he grabs his shotgun (standard Texas issue when any Texas citizen comes of age) and slowly and silently moves into the living area like a redneck ninja.
He sees the balcony door open and a dude rummaging through the stuff in the darkened living room.
My dad, the badass, says nothing. Does not move. Does not make a peep. He simply cocks his shotgun.
Upon hearing this, the burglar does not turn around. He does not hesitate for a second. He runs through the open door, leaps off the balcony and just starts running when he hits the ground.
I don’t think my dad even bothered to call the cops. I honestly never even thought to ask him if he did.
7. “Fresh Tattoo”
My grandpa (naked, in his late 50’s, fresh tattoo) held a revolver to a robber who was outside their house at night with a shopping cart full of their stuff. Grandma dialed 911, the cops came and pointed spotlights at everything (including him, still naked), and arrested the guy.
8. Grandma Exorcises A Burglar
My great grandma, being the hardcore christian she was, told the robber in a commanding voice, “GO WITH GOD.” The dude freaked and booked it out of there in fear of this old grandma with a Bible. And she did it all from her easy chair.
9. The Archer And The Thief
I do traditional archery. I also sleep naked. These will be relevant points in about twenty seconds.
My last house wasn’t in the nicest of neighborhoods. Not bad, but not really the kind of place you want to leave a door unlocked. Luckily for me, I remembered to lock the door…but forgot that I’d burned something in the oven earlier and left the kitchen window cracked.
At this point, I lived alone with my two cats, but my tom might as well be a guard dog. About two in the morning, I heard my cat going apeshit in the living room, and I knew something was up. So I grabbed my bow off of the wall (40# recurve, I keep it strung, and now some archer’s gonna yell at me for it) and knocked an arrow.
Walked into the living room quietly, flipped on the light, and behold…a young man half-in, half-out of my kitchen window, straddling it like a horse. It’s not an easy window to climb through, the sill is about at eye-level.
Drew back to my anchor, lined up my shot, and said “Wrong house, motherfucker!”
He stared at me completely dumbfounded/terrified for a moment. Considering that he’d just been caught in the act of breaking into a house by a 6’2″ bow wielding woman wearing nothing but socks, I think he handled himself quite well actually. He promptly rolled out of my window and beat feet.
Drew down, rehung my bow, got dressed, and called the police. I don’t think they believed me, and the guy was never found.
10. The Setup
My older sister had left with her “friends” I didn’t want to go because I was sick so I stayed home playing games. Not long after I saw a few guys with masks and beanies walk out of my sisters room. I stood up scared one of them punched me in the ribs a few times and threw me in the bathroom while one of them stood watch with a pocket knife to make sure I didn’t do anything.
Two were in the living room stealing my Wii and PS3. Then my sister and her “Friends” got home and she rang the door bell scaring off the two in the house and they left all the games and their backpacks. My sister came in through the open window. The one in the bathroom was freaking out then my sister opened the bathroom door and pushed him into the wall (his back was against the door when she opened it).
At that point I rushed him and repeatedly punched him in the face while he was in a headlock. He got free and ran out of the window they came in. Her “Friends” outside just let him run. We call the cops and they take the backpack which has the robbers names in it. It turns out the people who were her “Friends” had actually set it up so that they could rob us. They are all in jail now for various things.
11. The Castle Doctrine
I live in a two bedroom apartment with my best friend and my dog. When we moved in we decided to buy a shotgun for home protection since we lived on a more dangerous part of town.
So one night I wake up to the sound of my dog growling. He is a Lab who is always friendly so as soon as he was showing aggression towards something, I knew someone had broken in. I grabbed the shotgun from under my bed(we decided to keep it in my room because I had more experience shooting.) and went to go check out what was up. As soon as I opened the door my dog ran out and started barking at the guy that had broken in. My dog didn’t do anything but stand there and bark. Right at that moment I pointed my shotgun at this guy and told him to lay down. I gave him a choice, either stay still and wait till the cops show up, or I will shoot you if he tried to run. I live in Texas so it’s legal to shoot an intruder inside of your house. He decided to stay on the ground and wait for the cops to show up. I yelled my roommates name until he woke up and told him to call the cops. I’m glad he decided to wait for the cops to show because I don’t think I would’ve been able to shoot him.
12. The Girl From Suburbia
I was working the morning shift at the time and was about to go to sleep around 9am when I heard a knock at my door. I looked through the peep hole and there was a huge dude that I did not recognize standing there. I figured if I didn’t say anything he would just go away. He did not. After a minute I walked into the other room trying to decide what I should do. While I was pacing, he threw his whole weight (probably a good 400 pounds) into my door and busted the frame right in. I screamed as loud as possible ‘WHAT THE FUCK?!’ and grabbed my phone to call 911.
Ten minutes later locked in my bathroom the cops finally showed up, he ran off once I screamed. I rode in the cop car and id’d him a street over. Thinking back, if I had just said “who’s there?” he probably would have left…but oh well. I was very disappointed how I actually reacted when something happened. I had taken self defense and everything but all I ended up doing was yelling expletives and fumbling to call 911. I was standing in my kitchen and didn’t even grab a knife. I’m prepared now though.
As a 23-year-old girl who grew up in the suburbs where nothing bad ever really happened, it sucked. I promptly moved.
13. The Power Of Acting
The truth: I yelled “Alright, mother fucker. Let’s do this.” They bolted. Was lucky I guess.
I don’t own a gun, or any defense weapon. But I am big and was in theater so I produce a shockingly loud shout.
14. All Fun And Games Until Big Bro Shows Up
Not a burglary but someone did try to get into my house. A couple of years back, my sister and I were upstairs about to go to bed and I noticed a strange noise at the door. We realized that someone was trying to get into our house. My sister called the cops. I called my brother and he told me to stay in my room. In a couple of minutes I heard his car swerve into the driveway. I ran downstairs and looked through the peephole. I then saw my brother take the guy by his neck and belt and chuck him off the porch. Oh, and the cops never showed up either.
15. The “Fuck Den”
Had just moved my stuff into my new ground level apartment and crashed on the couch. Hardly anything had even made it into the bedroom. That first night I heard voices, then a knife click, then my screens being cut. My nunchucks were right where I could get at them so I started into the bedroom.
The window opened and I saw two legs slide in, bam bam bam I beat the fuck out of the back of those legs. I had a free and clear shot and I wailed on them. I got shots on both legs. Not something that would fuck someone up, but they weren’t going anywhere. I let him go out the window and raced around the front to confront him.
It turned out to be two teenagers that had been using the empty apartment as their fuck den. The guy was crying, the girl had to help him walk and they were terrified. I didn’t do anything, they weren’t going to do it again.
16. A Close Call
About three years ago I was staying at my grandmother’s house and sleeping in the living room. I heard someone fucking with the front door and went to the basement to grab my shotgun (I’ve been shooting since I was 8 and know how to use it). I load four shells and wait behind the kitchen wall. The door opens and I swing around the wall and point the gun right at him.
It was my cousin from NC who was coming down for the weekend (something my brother failed to tell me). Funniest part was he just walked past and said “Quit fuckin’ around.”
17. He Picked The Wrong Ladies To Mess With
Home alone one night I was sitting on the couch. around 11pm and my 10 month old Boxer went to the back door flipping out assuming she had to go potty I let her out. To my surprise she went out barking and growling. I ran in and grabbed my bat to go and see what was going on. By the time I got outside she was hanging from a guys shirt while he was half way over our fence. He was punching her trying to get her to let him go. I went out there screaming telling him to go the fuck away.
He then tells me he knows I’m home alone and will rape me if I don’t shut the fuck up. By then my dog had let go and was trying to get to his throat. After he jumped down on the opposite side of the fence he kept saying things like ill rape you. Being a female and working three years in a ER where I’m threatened everyday I was sick of hearing this threat so I opened my fence and let out my Boxer. Her and I beat the crap out of the scum bag till the cops arrived ( people heard his screams) he wasn’t hurt bad my dog mainly held him down.
18. “Who’s Out There?!”
My brother had just left with his friend so I was home alone at around 7:30 pm. I’ve sitting in my bed with my dog when the lights go out in my house. I’m thinking my city just experienced a power outage so I leave my room and start walking around the living room.
After about 3 mins of using the flashlight app in my house I head back into my room with my dog and lock the door. So I’m in my room watching a YouTube video when I hear something break. Normally I never thought someone would try to break into my house so I said the wind probably blew something over.
Now my dog is snarling and I shush her when I see some lights going under my door. Someone tries to open it but luckily I had it locked. While they go into another room I sneak up to my door and place my ear next to it. I hear a voice saying, “Grab the laptop.” I’m freaking out but still I have doubt that someone would break into my house. I was thinking my brother came back with a friend and were looking for stuff so I yelled, “Who’s out there?!” No response so I said it again, “Who’s out there?!” When I didn’t get a response that time I just yelled, “Get out of my house! I’m calling the police!” I call and the police arrive maybe 3 min after.
The front door was broken into. The robbers took a stack of quarters and a camera. What scared me the most wasn’t the experience but what my mom said afterwards. She said thank god the robbers weren’t professionals or they might’ve broken into my room to shut me up. I had nightmares for a couple of days just thinking what if they tried to break into my room.
The whole experience was frightening but if anything I’m glad it happened to me instead of one of my cousins.
19. Mom And The Dogs
When I was 5 years old, my dad was out of town on a business trip. I was sent to bed around 8 or so, then I vaguely remember my cousin waking me up at 10:30 or so and telling me that I needed to go to the office for a while. My initial excitement at being awake this late into the night quickly faded and as boredom set in, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning, when I was promptly informed of what happened the night before.
My mother was just getting ready to go to sleep, and was closing up the front of the house. Suddenly she heard a crash as the sliding glass door to the master bedroom was shattered. She immediately stormed to the back of the house, our cavalier King Charles Spaniels yipping furiously at her heels. When she reached the bedroom she started screaming that she had a shotgun and was going to blow their motherfucking heads off if they didn’t get the fuck out of her house right now. They fled, with one of the three getting caught later on in the night.
20. Burglar Meets Sword
I was living in Las Vegas at the time and I have always a night person. I was asleep in my bed when i heard banging at my door around 10am. I was still really tired, but decided to just go see who the hell was beating at my door. (I assumed it was my friend being a dick) When I go to look out the peep hole, I saw no one there. Pissed off that i just imagined someone beating at my door, i went back to my bed. Three min later I hear someone messing with my window. Confused, thinking it was probably maintenance fixing something, I slightly opened a slat of my vertical blinds to see what was going on. I see a man walking away with my window screen. Still a little confused i sat back on my bed, but suddenly realized I never received a notice of work, nor asked for any.
By this time the guy (Mr. Burglar) came back and i heard what sounded like him trying to pry my window open. I kept a decorative sword by my bed, so I grabbed it, unsheathed it and braced my back against the wall next to the window remaining out of sight from Mr. Burglar. He popped my window open and took his hands to slowly open a view from my blinds. Adrenaline had begun to pump into my veins like nitrous to a car. I raised my sword and blindly stabbed it out the window. Missed his eye by an inch. Mr. Burglar fell back into the bush under my window allowing my to swing again. It landed, but being a decoration, it just merely cut his jacket. He got up and ran like the wind as I yelled at the top of my lungs “GTFO OF MY HOUSE”.
After 10 min of cooling down, I call the police. Operator asked why I waited so long to call. I told her i couldn’t find my phone. Police showed up, asked questions, and the asked if I thought about being a cop.
21. Nearly Abducted
I was very young, 3 years old, my older brother was 14. My mom and dad slept upstairs. A burglar (my nanny’s brother) broke into the house at night through my brother’s open window and he screamed. The robber got him in a choke hold and held a knife to his throat. When he took my brother into the hallway he looked up to see my fat, British, naked father standing on the other side with a .357 magnum trained on his head. The robber made it out of the house alive and my father didn’t take the shot as he ran away from the house, as that is illegal here in California. My brother, who is now 36, still sleeps with a night light. Later it was discovered that the burglar’s intent was to abduct me because we were moving away from Los Angeles and my nanny didn’t want to let me go…
22. Text Message Teamwork
Trapped them in a room and called the police! (it also helped that it was a very large share house with housemates. We communicated our plan via text message). Interestingly, in this situation the robber had just robbed a couple houses on the street so the police were on the street… with dogs and were at my house in about 1 minute. Those puppies were very excited… Needless to say, he was caught.
23. Bump In The Night
My wife and I were at home when we lived in Atlanta. Our bedroom was at the back of our apartment there. There was another bedroom between the front of the apartment and our bedroom. I went to the kitchen in the front to get a diet coke, and then I heard a light bump and someone kind of whisper/gasp quietly “fuck.” I shook it off at first, but then I heard the bump again. I keep a handgun above the fridge so I got it and went in the bedroom. I saw the closet doorknob finish closing itself like someone had just let go of the other side. I walked up to it slowly and then pulled it open while stepping back. The gentlemen jumped out at me with a knife, startled I shot him the arm. He started wailing and dropped the knife and one of my watches. Ended up being my case knife he was trying to stab me wife (only about 3 inches of blade, but fuck getting stabbed you know?).
Wife woke up from the gun shot, got her to call the cops. The guy must have had pretty sensitive arms because he just rolled around on the floor and made no attempt to escape.
I have shot more people in my life than the average person should think about shooting.
24. The Pile On
Well this isn’t my story, but my friends brother was sleeping on the couch, a guy high on meth broke into their house, and was trying to steal the dvd player. It woke him up and he jumped up and started beating the shit out of him. My friend woke up and came down stairs and saw what was going on and started beating the shit out of him too. Then their dad woke up and thought they were beating the shit out of their little brother, so he started beating the shit out of my friends brother until he realized what was going on. Their mom came in and was screaming about all of the blood on the new carpet.
25. “It Was Terrible For Everyone”
It was 3am and my dad heard a sound at the front door, which then moved to the side door outside the garage. He went to check it out, thinking it was just some trouble making teens trying to mess with the car. Turns out it wasn’t. It was 2 huge men hiding around the corner when he stepped outside. They stabbed him 11 times with a screwdriver (6 times in his left arm because he was covering his heart, and 5 times just missing his kidney). They knocked him out with some firewood and ran away.
I was fortunate enough to only wake up to the sound of my dogs barking once the police arrived, but I fell right back asleep without knowing anything had happened. My sister on the other hand, heard all the screaming and saw my dad leaving in an ambulance that my mom had called.
So I guess I wasn’t really awake for it and didn’t handle it, but that’s how it went down with my dad. It messed me up pretty badly though. Weeks before the incident I had been begging for a security system for my birthday (Elizabeth Smart really scared me) and then this happened…I couldn’t stay home alone for literally years, and slept with earplugs in for months. It was terrible for everyone.
26. Alone With Two Burglars
When I was 17, my parents left me at home for a weekend (as they had done many times before). I was in the house by myself and was in bed about to fall asleep. As I was drifting off, I heard what I thought were footsteps upstairs ( my bedroom was downstairs), I passed it off as ‘house noise’ and thought nothing of it. Almost immediately after the noise, I heard it again, but this time I heard my mothers chest of drawers opening and closing and more footsteps. I got out of bed and nearly shit myself from terror. I left my bedroom, crept up the hallway – looking up the internal staircase at the time – then moved into the study next to my bedroom.
I call 000 (emergency line in Australia) and completely freaking out, yet whispering ‘There is someone in my house, they are upstairs COME NOW’ and gave them my address. I thought about what I could do now?, so I thought about making myself sound male (I’m female), big, angry and violent. So I moved to the door of the study and slammed it with everything I had. The footsteps took off to the back door upstairs, and I felt better that he had left the house. However he didn’t leave the house. I went back into my bedroom and looked out of my window to see 2 fucking faces looking back at me from the back stairs. They had obviously made the choice to run for it and away they went. It was about 3 minutes before I saw flashing lights of the police. 2 cars and with dogs – MY HEROS!!!! the dogs followed the scent of the fuckers who broke into the house and caught them. The police were amazing. I can’t speak highly enough of how wonderful the police were on that shitty night.
27. Back From A Night Of Drinking
When I was in secondary school, I came home from a night out drinking and while downing pints of water at the kitchen sink a man walked into the kitchen with a gearbag of stuff. The only thing close to me was the knife block, so I grabbed one and ran him out of the house. He got away in the end and good thing too as when I looked down, I realised I had grabbed the knife sharpener…
28. “Can I Help You?”
I use to live near the ghetto in Oceanside, CA, anyone whose been there knows why its so bad. I was real young and I was at home with my mother and older sister. It was late at night and we had all the lights off so it looked like nobody was home – we were all sitting on the couch though in the living room finishing a movie before bed. We hear the door shaking but none of us had moved or even bothered to look mainly because we had an extremely crappy door that shook every time there was a bit of wind. Finally the door swings open and theres this guy in a ski mask. He crouches and starts to crawl behind our couch. He didn’t notice me, my mom or sister sitting on the couch. We’re all just looking at him (I think I was too young back then to even know what was going on). My mom finally flicks on the lamp, looks at him and goes “um…can I help you?!?”. I think I heard him shit himself before he sprinted back out the door.
29. Mom Gets The Upper Hand
When my mom was a teenager two guys broke into our house. She was a total bad ass about it.
Coming home late from a party my mom unlocks the front door and see’s the lights on in the far hallway. Remember that she had not left those lights on when she left, and that her parents were out to dinner that night she freaked out. Before approaching the hallway my mom proceeds to then grab a giant knife from the kitchen and pursue her investigation.
These two morons didn’t even notice my mom at first, watching them look for jewelry and crap. Finally when one looks up, he jumps and shouts “WHAT THE FUCK.” His friend then reacts shouting back and then looking at my mom in a panic. Without fault my mom tells them, “Get on the couch.” The looks on their faces must have been priceless, but apparently they sprinted to the couch when she asked if she stuttered. They then waited nicely on the couch for the police to show up and arrest them.