This is a real explanation of why girls who grew up in rich families are usually better-looking than girls who didn’t.
1. Extra Money = Extra Shopping
And I’m not talking once-a-year, “new school clothes” shit. I’m talking hardcore, Pretty Woman, bags-on-bags shopping (no plastic ones, either—all nice paper with rope handle things). It is especially convenient when an RG has a mom with a rich husband, no job, and time to spare. These ladies always have the latest fashion trends from stores whose names most of us can’t even pronounce.
Knowledge is power, and in this case, knowledge of beauty tricks is like presidential power. Before she could drive, Kylie Jenner’s face was fully contoured, highlighted, and some-other-makeup-technique-I-don’t-know-about’ed on a daily basis. When I was her age, I rubbed my finger in some lipgloss shaped like a cupcake, smothered it around my mouth, and called it a day.
3. Extra Money = Chemicals
No, not for science experiments. For hair, skin, nails, and teeth. RGs can afford to get their hair done, nails done, everything did (thanks, Drake). While the rest of us fight outgrowth, big pores, overgrown cuticles, and stained enamel, RGs enjoy their spa days complete with color-enhancing dyes, anti-aging facials, French manicures, and whitening trays. (I probably wouldn’t have bags under my eyes, either, if I could afford to waste a full day lying around with fruit on my face.)
4. Even More Extra Money = Keeping Up with the Khemicals
Just like the Kardashians, RGs can afford to get their shit touched up the second it starts to go bad. I pay $130 to get some blonde highlights about twice a year. It lasts about one month and I spend the other 10 months looking like ratchet Barbie; but that’s not a problem for RGs. They have their next appointment booked before they finish the one they’re in. Same thing with their manis and pedis. (FYI, I’m typing this with four nails worth of month-old shellac that I’m hoping turns into colored tips soon.).
5. Good Job = Lots o’ PTO
PAID TIME OFF—the Holy Grail of vacationing. Not only are vacations expensive (which isn’t even a problem for our RGs), these families are still getting paid! So they can take at least one vacation a year—one that will likely involve white sand beaches and string bikinis. Talk about motivation to look good!
6. Vacation = Sun
And sun = tan. One of the main ingredients to being a hot-ass is that glowing bronze skin. RGs have a full week’s advantage on all of us normal people of lying in the sun. And it’s not just any sun; it’s like that tropical, turn-your-skin-to-gold sun. ON TOP OF THAT, these vacays usually take place during the colder months when we’ve all faded into transparent ghosts. (Talk about kicking us when we’re down.)
7. Last but not least, Lucky Number 7…the FIT BOD.
Someone could have the whole package, but if their body looks like they’ve had too many packages (of chips, donuts, etc.), they won’t gain hot-bitch status. RGs usually don’t have this problem (unless they were cursed with shitty genes…in that case, my heart goes out to you RG. It’s probably really hard to be around your hot-bitch RG friends all the time, especially on your vacays to Cabo. #BikiniBod #Not). Now, the reason RGs can stay so fit is that they can afford all that healthy shit and participate in all the top sports. I, for one, couldn’t join traveling soccer because it was too expensive, but that’s where all the real exercise was. These ladies can afford to be in dancing, soccer, gymnastics, etc., giving them asses that defy gravity. And you bet your saggy ass they aren’t stopping for a burger off the dollar menu after that big win. It’ll be sushi for the whole fam! So while I was stuck with genetically engineered cow meat and a side of deep-fried carbs, they are slowly working their way through lean proteins and veggies.
So there you have it, ladies. Don’t feel bad if you aren’t as hot as an RG! Think of this as motivation to kick ass and get paper. And to all my RGs, be proud of your hot-bitch status; your dad works really hard for it. (Kidding!) But seriously, we aren’t mad at you; we’re jealous, and you inspire us to try harder and be better. Without you, we’d be walking around pale, chubby, and completely aloof. And to my hot bitches who have gained this status and don’t have money, I hail you.