Dear God — I’m Coming Back To You

I want to stop declaring that I am lost, that I don’t know what to do or where to go. I want to stop saying that I have no time, or that I have time but I want space. I want to stop thinking that I can do things on my own. That I can survive without you. That I can breathe on my own.

I want to stop whatever the hell I am doing with my life and start doing it Your way.

I want to wake up and grab my Bible before I even grab my phone. I want to rise in the morning and be excited to hear Your word instead of hearing the world. I want to have a meaningful conversation with You first thing in the morning rather chat my colleague or my boss. I want to tell You how much You mean to me and how much I love You before I close my eyes to sleep rather send someone a cheesy text message.

I want to praise You and mean it. I want to worship You and be true in it. I want to say words that bring glory to You and actually mean it. I want to sing songs and deliver the lyrics genuinely. I want to raise my hand for You and know that it is for You, that You are the only thing I am thinking about, the only thing I am fixating on.

I want to say, “God, You are my everything.” and realize that I am hollow and deserted, that I am undoubtedly nothing without you. I want to utter prayers and be certain that they are profoundly from my soul, not empty words, nor empty promises.

I want to please You, and not the world. I want to do things for Your glory and not mine. I want my life to be a book of blessing, a prism that will radiate Your light.

I want to turn down the world and turn up Your word. I want to stop listening to what it wants me to be and start listening to what You want me to be.

I want to quit dwelling in my past, in my sins, in the things I regret doing, in the things that wrecked me. I want to forget all of those and remember Your goodness, Your glory and Your mercies which are new every morning.

I want to free myself and be lost in YOU. I want to be on fire for you. I want to be as excited about You like how I’m excited about the holidays and even more. I want to be as passionate about loving You like how I am passionate about writing and even more. God, I want to say ‘I love you’ and know deep down that I do, that I ultimately adore you.

I want to love You more than I love myself, or the people around me, or the world for that matter. I want to put You first, before my issues, before my personal desires. I want to build my life around You, and not around my career or my love life.

I want to aim for things that will make You proud of me. I want to pursue people that will draw me closer to You. I want to chase things that will honor You.

I want to come back, God.

To You, the only Man who ever loved and loves me relentlessly. To You, who forever claims me as His very own daughter. To You, who treats me as His precious possession. To You, who, despite how far I ran, would always wait for that sweet moment I come back. To You, who, when the storms and the seas are raging, will always be there holding me still.

God, I just want to be back. For the longest time I know I’m there; praying, reading Your word, attending church but am I really there? Am I really present? Am I really listening? Maybe. Maybe not. The thing is, I just want to be present and be definite that I am. I want to be in Your presence. I want to be in Your love. I want to be in Your arms. I want to be revived. I want to be new, away from who I was yesterday.

God, I just want to be back.

Dian Tinio is the author of Catastrophes, available here.