1. The music in the car
During the honeymoon period of your relationship, both of you got equal play with the iPod cord. Then you realized you were dating a ‘skipper’ who switches songs 30 seconds in, a musical ADD that just won’t quit and makes you want to put duct tape over the stereo dials. After a while, the battle of who gets to the chord first becomes so real that you have to download podcasts or turn on the radio just to have something ‘neutral.’
2. The sides of the bed/ultimate sleeping position
We should all really dedicate an entire date in the initial stages of casual dating to cuddling. You think you love someone, and then you find out that they take the entire blanket and smother you with their bicep as you sleep. What do you do with two big spoons? “Okay, yeah that’s good. I’ll take that pillow. No, okay just don’t— NO YOU’RE BREATHING ON MY NECK! Are you sleeping? Babe?”
3. The “I gave it to you to borrow, not to keep”
You’re so sweet on each other that you’re all up in each other’s clothes and personal space, breathing in one another’s musk, rocking hair ties, boxers, flannels, the whole mixed-gender wardrobe bliss. Until one day when he asks for his flannel…um, that is a staple in my wardrobe now? You gave it to me!
4. The ‘Kanye West’ argument
I call this the ‘Kanye West’ argument because my ex and I literally broke up over an argument sparked by my support of Yeezy as a human being. Yup. Everyone has a band, show, person, whatever, that they know is kind of insufferable and lacks a defense for a lot of its awfulness, but you fight for them anyway. We couldn’t hack it, but healthy couples can argue over their particular excessive allegiances to things/people without breaking their own bond with each other.
5. The bad backseat boyfriend/girlfriend
“Can you take over the GPS?”
“Let me know when to turn”
*20 minutes pass*
“I think we missed the turn?”
“YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF THE NAVIGATION”
6. The “but I’m so comfortable!”
Many a screaming match are born out of being so cozy in your blanket while your significant other uses the bathroom that, upon seeing them amble over on their return trip, you demand that they get you the remote, or the bag of chips, or some thing that you need so badly to survive but cannot be bothered to get up for because you. Are. So. COMFORTABLE.
7. The cuddle/tickle fight gone wrong
It all starts with a playful touch. It ends in a kind of crying-laughing torture that can only be stopped with verbal death threats.
8. The “you always…”
When trying to make a point, we often turn to generalizations when we lack the foundation our argument needs in order to hold up in relationship court. “You always do ______” is the hilariously desperate last-ditch effort that ends in us laughing at ourselves for how wrong we knew we were.
9. The thermostat cold war
You get cold in the middle of the night and turn the air off. They wake up sweating and blast it. They leave for work. You put the heat on to compensate. They come home, livid that it is June and the heat is on. They open all the windows. You buy a space heater. The world explodes.
10. The great Netflix debate
“Do you want to watch Game of Thrones?”
“No, I want to watch Hitch-“
“Okay, what about House of Cards?”
“I kind of wanted to watch Hit-“
“We could always do Mad Men.”
“I WANT TO WATCH HITCH.”
11. The infinite struggle of the human condition: deciding where to get food
I could write 1,000 words on this, but I guess I will just leave this here, because sometimes the Internet is *100.*