Chrissy Stockton

The deep, forgiving cushion of your favorite armchair as you sink in to change the world via the Macbook warming your lap. The inviting “like” button on status updates from area non-profits.

When I was 14 I took the garbage out after dark.. it was 7:30pm.. I had literally just checked the clock before I went outside and when I got back inside it was 10pm. I lost 2.5 hours without noticing it and have no idea what happened.

“Anything that looked like/was the same size and shape of a penis, I tried it out in my vagina.”

“He sits up, looks over her shoulder, and sees what she’s doing, still in her sleep: loading his revolver.”

“I was called a slut for being a woman out at night.”

“The recycle bins at Seaworld also just get emptied into the dumpster. They are just there to make the visitors feel better.”

“How old do you have to be until you grow your condom?”

I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career advancement despite remedial language skills inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring a book.