Chrissy Stockton

4. You go through a #dark mental space

Your ex is absolutely not an actual crazy person, and if she is, you should probably think of a kinder way to say it.

You could work your entire life to be happy and you will still never attain the level of unadulterated bliss a dog feels when you merely walk in the door.

The absence of BYOB on your event invitation is the chicest status symbol of our time.

Unless you are a sex worker and they have paid you, this is not your job.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. -Hillary Clinton

Say what you are saying as simply as possible. Your goal isn’t to show the other person how smart you are, it’s to convince the other person to see things your way.

Close your eyes and imagine the most delicious food you can think of. Fry it and put it on a stick and you can buy it at the state fair.

The gang was not interested in robbing Jessica Simpson because her purses weren’t real leather.

Even if things are as bad as they could possible be, and as meaningless, then matters of truth are themselves indifferent; we may as well please our sensibilities and, with as much spirit as we can muster, go out with a buck and a wing.

The quota of timed jumping in the air photos for the entire world has been met now. Thank you for your cooperation.

If your life wasn’t hard enough already, keep in mind that you could have a rare disorder that makes you reek of nasty fish odor!