1. Everyone jumping in the air
This photo looked really cool the first time I saw it. Wow, your friends have some sweet joie de vivre! But every subsequent picture looks worse and worse. Why are you jumping? Why does one person not have a leg anymore? Why did your photographer not photoshop that tree back together when he inevitably gave up on making the timed shot work and c/p-ed you guys all together? We are all done with taking this photo now, okay? The quota of timed jumping in the air photos for the entire world has been met now. Thank you for your cooperation.
2. Chalkboard messages
“I do.” “Me too.” Do what? Barf? That makes three of us. In all seriousness these shots are distracting because I can’t help but worry about your future marriage. Why are you sending messages to the camera? Look at each other! Talk to each other!
3. Kissing while your wedding party stares creepily around you, out of focus
No matter how close your bridal party is, no one, literally no one, wants to stand around and watch their friends make out. Let’s stop pretending this is a thing that happens.
4. Kitschy Props
The couple smiles happily inside a big gold frame they’re holding up, or laughing as they put prop moustaches on each other. We get it, you have a sense of humor. But these photos are kind of like the kid in class who always makes you laugh. We know you’re doing it to deflect from your inner pain, bro. Just be you.
5. Indie cred establishing shots
Oh, you have your names on a marquee because you got married in a theatre instead of a church? Congrats! You’ve successfully shown the world how interesting you are as a couple. Mission accomplished.
6. Farm gear
Does it seem like the most natural thing in the world to dress your friends up in formal wear and then ask them to climb onto a tractor or dance in front of a barn? It’s great that you want to infuse some character into your wedding pics, but if you didn’t grow up on a farm it’s not your character, it’s someone else’s.
7. Ball and chain imagery
This photo won’t be so funny when you get your divorce.