5 Tips On How To Have The Best Sex Of Your Life


Change of Scenery

Sure, sex in your bed is comfortable, cozy, private, and you can cuddle after, but you’ve probably had sex in your room 100 times (or if you’re me, twice). Boring. It’s simply not as fun after a while because nothing changes and it becomes so routine. Do it outside or somewhere you might get caught. Risk is a huge natural turn on. Try making love mid-boat chase, or in the mall food court. You’ll be clawing at each other like never before. Try not to get caught though. It’s awkward.

Make it Romantic

Sexy lingerie and candles. Lots of candles. As far as I’m convinced, you can never have to many. Literally thousands of candles. Cover every flat surface if you can. Candles are hot, and I’m not just talking about the literal physical heat they give off. Those things set quite the majestic mood. To touch on the literal, physical heat, though, that will only want to make you two (or three, or four, etc.) want to tear your clothes right off. Also, make sure they’re scented, cause it’s going to get sweaty up in thur. I recommend Febreeze’s “Thai Dragon Fruit”.


You probably don’t need any lubrication to get the dick in, but oiling up your bodies and getting drenched definitely makes it more fun. And hot. And sexy. Go to the kitchen and grab that extra virgin olive oil (irony) and dump it all over you and your partner like a basket of McDonald’s fries. Sex is guaranteed to be more exciting when you’re a human Slip ‘n Slide. (Slip ‘n Slides are recommended for ages 5–12. In this case, it should definitely be different).

Role Play

If you’re having boring, routine sex, literally just throw on a batman costume. It’s so easy and it’s fucking awesome. Who wouldn’t want to have sex while pretending to be Bruce Wayne? Not to mention your lover could pretend to be some insane villain for you to “battle” or your favorite cereal box mascot, such as Cap’n Crunch. Plus, role play allows you to talk dirty, which you may not have the confidence to do under normal circumstances, or even better, use certain catch phrases. Pretending to be the Terminator? Say “Cum with me if you want to live” in a robotic, Austrian accent when you’re about to finish.

Do It With a Human

Couches, pastries, vegetables and man-made orgasm machines are nice and all, but nothing is better than the flesh of a fellow homosapien. Being naked and feeling vulnerable in front of another person is stimulating enough all on it’s own, but just wait til your sex parts touch. Sparks will fly. Plus, spreading peanut butter on your genitals so your dog will do the job is not only illegal, but super weird as well. Real weird. TC Mark

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